Oh, hey there. So, yes, it has been a while since I've posted. And to the few, very few, loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for the hiatus. It was a lot longer than I had expected it to be. But, I'm back! Rejoice you may.
I figured I would come back when I had life figured out, or at least had the illusion of having life figured out. I don't. At all. I don't actually understand life at all. Not even a little bit. I thought I was onto something for a bit there, but still nothing. This post is going to be a little all over the place because that's where my mind is at the moment. It's okay if you get lost part way through. I'll probably get lost writing it.
I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is about my life that is keeping me from feeling completely at peace with it. The more I think about it, I realize it can be boiled down to a few things.
The first one, my self-esteem issues. They have got to improve. I have someone in my life right now who has helped a lot with it. Unfortunately, it's called self-esteem for a reason. It's the way I view myself, and that can't be changed entirely through other people's opinions. Fortunately, the few physical things I want to change about myself are fairly simple to change. The extra weight around the midsection, the chipped front tooth, those sort of small physical changes that I obsess over constantly. It's the non-physical aspects of myself that are going to be harder to change. Actually, I don't really want to change them. Maybe that's the first step at bettering my own self image. I don't want to change who I am on the inside. Yes, I'm loud. Borderline obnoxious, really. But, I like that. I can hang out with any group of guys and fit right in. Maybe not so much with their girlfriends, or any girls for that matter, but I don't really like most gals anyway. I'm a total man's girl. I love sexist jokes, I think that women as a whole are crazy people, and I have been known to totally abide by the Bro Code as opposed to the...well, whatever the equivalent is for girls. I have helped many a guy friends sleep with many a women without the intention to ever call them again. I'm okay with that.
The second thing, personal relationships. I'm finally in a healthy romantic relationship with someone who wants to be with me, and not with my vagina. Meaning, our relationship is not of a sexual nature. At first I thought, "What the hell am I doing? I love sex. I can't be with someone who doesn't want to have sex." Then, I realized, I don't love sex as much as I love the thought of someone wanting me so much, in such a carnal way, that they resort to some animalistic form of communicating said wanting. But, this one can want me in that way and communicate it without pulling his genitals out. It's pretty fantastic. Plus, he kind of ... gets me. It's kind of awesome. Unfortunately, romantic isn't the only kind of relationship one has in their lives. And I seem to be failing in most of the other senses of relationships. For example, friendships. I have one really close friend, Sam. Literally the best friend I've ever had and ever will have. He has no idea what he means to me. He probably actually never will considering the fact that our friendship isn't exactly the kind where you express who much you care about the other one with phrases of sentiment. You do it through constant ribbing. Duh. We've known each other for close to 8 years. 9 years? I don't know. It's been a while. He knows every humiliating story there is to know about me, every stupid quirk that not even some family members know about, every ridiculous pet peeve and annoyance I have, and most importantly, he may be the only one who can tell when I'm upset and to what degree I'm upset at all times. I wish I had more friends like him but so far, everyone seems to disappoint in that respect. I thought I was getting really close to a girl. ((take a moment to gasp in astonishment)) Yes, a girl. I thought we were going to be really good friends. We had known each other as little tykes, meaning fifth grade, and had endured the awesome humiliation of being D.A.R.E cheerleaders together. I thought we were a lot alike. We're both loud, obnoxious, bitchy chicks who can get down with the guys. Not in the dirty way. Well, I guess that too. I don't know, never seen the girl in action. Okay, this is getting a bit weird....anyway! I thought we had a good thing going. But, then I met my boyfriend and she started dating hers seriously, and that was that. She's bailed on plans to hang out, I've bailed on plans to hang out. It seems we don't really have time for each other. Which definitely sucks. But, on the bright side, I have been hanging out with a couple new people and may have formed a few friendships. Mostly through this guy, Blayze. His girlfriend is one of my favorite people ever. He's pretty cool too. Just in case he reads this. =]
I thought I had met a few awesome people through the boyfriend. Until I realized, I can't get close to his friends. I mean, his best friend is freaking awesome. The exact kind of guy I would normally befriend. But, I can't risk the awkward break up moments. You know, you date someone, get to know his friends, become friends with them, then you and boyfriend break up. Sure, the friends you stayed close with through the relationship will pretend for a while to try to remain friends with you. But, you both know that it can't continue. It's just....awkward.
Then of course there are the family relationships. My dad and I are still weirdly estranged. He lives right in the next room, and yet we can't even hold conversations. I go days without even seeing him sometimes. Maybe him living in the same place as me is the problem. Maybe I just can't live with him. I don't know. He annoys me sometimes. And most of the time, I can't even figure out why. The worst part is that now I can't watch a show or a movie with a character whose dad dies, or hear a song about a father/daughter relationship without bursting into tears. For example, I recently caught up on all past seasons of How I Met Your Mother and in one of the episodes (spoiler alert) Marshall's dad dies. And he's thinking about the last words his father ever said to him. And I cried the entire episode. I kept thinking what if I never seen my dad again? What if this happened to me? I have really got to fix things with him...
My mom stayed with us for the weekend and it was surprisingly not terrible. For the people reading this who actually know me, you know that my mom and I haven't always been on the best of terms, that's putting it lightly. We couldn't be in the same room for a while because I blamed her for my entire fucked up childhood. I genuinely did not like her. Of course, I loved her. I mean, the woman pushed me out of her ... lady bits. But, I couldn't believe that any woman who loved her child would put them through what she put me through. How could she ruin me? How could she hurt me so bad if she loved me so much? Then I realized, we always hurt the ones we love the most. We don't even mean to. She was 20 when she had me. 20 years old. She was a year younger than me now when he had a baby. I can't imagine my life with a baby now, and I've come a long way in just this past year. Last year, I would have been the worst mother of all time. I'm surprised she did as well as she did with a baby at 20, and another baby at 22 who was in and out of the hospital all the time. Looking back on my childhood, yeah, my mom screwed up quite a few times. But, so did my dad. And I freaking adore my father. Why did I give up on my mother-daughter relationship? I needed her in high school. I needed her when she left me. I needed her when my boyfriend broke up with me for no reason, or when one of my boyfriends cheated on me, or when one of the other ones cheated on me. I needed my mom when I found out I may never have a child. I may never have the joy of raising kids the way my mom did. And she was always so happy to be there for me. I don't know why I gave her such a hard time...I'm just glad she's still there to fix things.
Well, now that you have all been privy to the extremely private thoughts inside this awesome brain of mine. Of course there are some things I cant share with certain readers that I would love to get off my chest. But, I know I have people in my life I can always vent to.
I love you so much. I missed you more than you'll ever know. Thank you so much for being part of my life.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3
