Firefly, could you shine your light?

I've been realizing lately that everyone has a different meaning for the same words.

For example, the word "inappropriate." Most people's minds go to dirty, raunchy, sexual things. My mind however goes to the actual meaning of the word. Not proper or suitable. This of course could mean that someone made a sexual comment to someone else and that it was completely ... you guessed it, inappropriate. Or it could mean thinking about someone constantly, in a non-sexual way, and saying something completely off the wall like, "Seeing you makes me stop breathing for a second." Not sexual at all. However, if the conversation is not at all about emotions, or if the person doesn't feel at all the same way about you, this sentence is far more inappropriate than saying something of the physical manner.

Another word, "hopeless." Most people see this as a negative adjective towards people. Somehow being hopeless became this terrible thing to everyone. I don't mind being hopeless. It's just who I am now. After being hurt over and over and over again, and after realizing that no matter how much someone stabs me in the heart, no matter how many times I feel like I'm drowning in tears or pain, I know that I will always believe in soul mates. I'll always believe in happily ever after. I will continue to cry at romantic movies, and at the thought of never meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. I will always believe in love. 
I know that's seen as hopeless, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather be hopeless and put myself out there, even if I do get hurt ten million times, because I know that the day I do meet him, all of the pain will have been more than worth it. I have no doubts in that. I'll dream about that guy all the way up until the day I meet him. I vow to never forget to stop and think about what my life with him will be like, even though I know that when it actually happens it will be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Ever.

One more. The word, "weird." I am very...very weird. I always thought that was a good thing. I'm unique, you won't meet someone else like me. I have just always considered myself fun, quirky, kind of funny in that "I don't really get it but her laugh is hilarious." sort of way, a lot nerdy, and a little emotional. But most of all, I was different. I had no problem in going up to a random person and talking their ear off about my life, their life, Star Wars, love, what's wrong with the world, politics, their shirt, my shirt, their shoes, my pants, my dog, music, why I love to color, anything really. Then, one day someone broke me. People started making me think that there was something wrong with me. That being so sociable was ... well, weird. They gave that word such a bad connotation that I didn't want to be that anymore. I put myself in a miserable friendship for so long because she was "normal." She was accepted by the general public as a good person. She was quiet, she was rude, she was judgmental, I hated being around her, but I stayed friends with her because it was the "normal" thing to do. She kept me as normal as possible. I hated being that normal. I hated being that run of the mill girl who complained about things that made no sense to complain about. I hated caring about what I was wearing because someone else might not like it. I hated the way she looked at people, the way I was expected to look at people who weren't "skinny enough" or "pretty enough." Yeah, like you're a real prize, kid. I want to be the person who didn't care again.

All in all, I'm a goofy, nerdy, crazy, emotional, fun, quirky, unique, hopeless, inappropriate, weird, amazing, hopeful, loving, caring, funny, great person who is an amazing kisser, a great lover, and kick-ass at Star Wars trivia, and happens to fall apart a lot. I cry for no reason, I laugh for no reason, I talk to people because they look interesting, I am obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, I love penguins, I am an obsessive texter, I check Facebook like it's a religion, I hate Marilyn Monroe, I get way too excited about little things, I exaggerate my like/dislike of things to get a point across, I pick fights with a significant other because I like the passion and fire behind arguing, I'm a complete mess. And, I guess I'm looking for someone who can handle that.

Did you ever see a robin weep when leaves begin to die? It means he's lost the will to live.

This is sort of hard for me to write especially after the last blog. In which I insisted that I couldn't be broken. I lied. I am broken. I guess the truth is, I can't be repaired. I thought that the way I am...I thought I was okay. I'm not. I'm just delirious and delusional. I force myself to think things are okay and that I'm fine. I even pretend that I'm better than fine. I say things like, "you'll never break me." What I really mean is "You can't break me anymore than I already am." I'm irreparable.
This hurts to write because I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm still lost and I still have no idea what I want. I know I'm still young and that I have plenty of time to figure it out, but I feel incredibly lost. Maybe it's time for a change. I keep telling myself that I want to escape to Ireland someday, when I have the money. I make excuses constantly about why I haven't changed my life to be the way I want it to be. I am starting to realize the reason I haven't done anything is fear. I'm terrified that I'm stuck this way forever, so why bother? Or maybe I'm afraid to change. I know myself now. I know when a "mood" is coming. I can feel when my emotions are getting out of whack and I'm getting good at hiding them. A new me means new emotions, new moods, new everything. Maybe I'm afraid to be someone new, or maybe I'm afraid I'll actually find myself. I really don't know, I just know that I'm afraid.
I really needed to write this to let everyone know that I'm going to sort of disappear for a while. I'm going to work, reflect, save money, etc. And then I'm escaping. I'm going to miss you very much. If you read this blog and I don't know you, thank you so much for letting me be apart of your life for so long. And I promise to return, so stay subscribed.
If you're reading this, and I do know you. I'm sorry you didn't know the real me. And I'm going to miss you so much. I can guarantee that. You should have my number if you really need to contact me.

Whether I know you or not, I love you. And I always will.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together..

I think the message I would tell people if I could, the one thing that I could just broadcast is this...you can't break me.
I know people have tried in the past, and yeah, I've gotten pretty bent, but I'm still in one piece. Never will anyone ever get the best of me. You might think you can, you might think that you'll be the one to break me in half, and you might wish you were that person, but you're not. Okay? Get over it.
You can say whatever you want about me, to me or behind my back, and I will still just brush it off and get over it. I'll move on.
There's something I guess I should share with you guys. The way I grew up wasn't exactly pleasant. I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. Between parents that fought constantly over nothing, a dad who was a junkie, a mom who couldn't care if you lived or died because she was too busy babying your little brother, and financial issues, it was hard to be a happy kid. A typical day in high school for me would be something like this:
Wake up, usually a little late.
Take a quick shower, get dressed and ready for school. Which usually consisted of a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. Maybe a hoodie if it was cold.
Running out the front door, where the one good thing about my day stood. His name is Sam. He has been my best friend for years.
Walking to school.
Getting to school, going about my day as if I was fine.
Walking home with Sam.
Going inside and being greeted to an attitude from my mom.
Fighting with my mom, hiding out in my room until my dad got home.
Hearing my dad come home and going to go downstairs but then hearing my parents start arguing. So instead I would flip on the music, turn it up way too loud to drown it out.
Going downstairs for dinner, staying silent the entire time I ate.
Fighting with my parents over ... anything, really.
Going back upstairs, screaming my music at the top of my lungs, going to bed.
Repeat.
Either that or I would run to Sam's house. All day.
That was every day. My parents would just fight and fight and fight. Then, my brother and I started arguing. We would get into fist fights. Full-fledged fist fights. My dad would go get his fix, my mom would sit there and watch as my brother kicked the shit out of me. Then, yell at me, "Jenny, shut up, it didn't hurt that bad. You can breathe, you'll be fine." Can you imagine having to brush off the insults from your own parents? Having two parents who couldn't care less if you didn't come home for days? Having a house that was more like a war zone? Seriously, your house is supposed to be your sanctuary, you should be able to go home and feel safe. I didn't. I felt safer out running around with friends or just being outside. I hated going home.

Christ, when I was like 4, I got kidnapped. I went outside and this woman just snatched me up and kept me in a bedroom for a few hours before my mom actually came looking for me.

But, going through all of that, hearing your mom tell you that you're the reason her and your father fight, hearing your dad tell your mom that she's good for nothing, hearing your entire family jump down your throat for just being yourself...it made me stronger. It got me to this point in my life. I can now look at someone who doubts me, who looks down on me, or just doesn't like me for who I am, and tell them...you will never break me.
You will never be the reason I cry, you will never be the reason I give up on myself, and you sure as hell won't be the reason I leave this earth.

So, to the couple of people out there who think that by saying things like, "you mean nothing to me." "you're not good enough." "you're too (enter any adjective here.)" that you can bring me down...think again.
I promise to rise up above all of your petty shit and all the fucking crap you want to throw at me. I swear to you, one day you will be fucking crawling on your hands and god damn knees, begging and pleading, for forgiveness. You will come to me the same way you always have and look up at me and you will see who I am. Don't you motherfuckers know? I'm Jenny-motherfucking-Lynn. I'm the Death Star. I will ruin your fucking life without even fucking trying. Just remember that shit next time you think about me, just remember that every time you talk about me, that's just one more person who knows about me. You're just getting me one step closer to being a house-hold name. So, please, keep trying to bring me down. It makes me laugh, and they always say laughter is the best medicine.

Jenny-Lynn aka "Death Star".

My head told my let heart, let love grow. My heart told my head, this time no. This time no.

Hey all!
I know it's been way too long and I am sorrryyy.
I guess I should start off with the basics. School is ... not so good. Not that I don't love it or anything like that, but my I am having some difficulties with the school that I have to sort out. Pretty much, my attendance fell below the allowed percentage by 8 percentage points and now I have to appeal to get back into the program. So, there is that.
Work is great. I love my job and the people I work with. Everything is so relaxed and everyone is so chill. It's definitely a different pace than I'm used to.
The kitten is getting way too big and the dog is turning a year old in about 4 days.

So now for the good stuff!

Friendships: I'm starting to really realize who I want to keep in my life and who I wouldn't mind letting go. I have always had a grasp on that sort of thing, but I sort of lost it for a little while. And lately I've gained it back a lot. I'm really happy with the people in my life now. =]

Romance: I am so happy to be where I am in my life in the romantic sense. I know who I am, where I want to go with my life, and who I want that special guy to be. I also am pretty sure I have actually talked to this man multiple times. I thought it might have been this guy that I've known forever. I thought, yeah, this has to be right. That's the old story. Best friends become lovers become soul mates. However, when I told this person how I felt about them, after years of them chasing me by the way, they sort of ... stopped talking to me. Not altogether, don't get me wrong. Just enough for me to get the hint. It was the chase. And I'm okay with that now. I wasn't so much then, but I realized something, I would rather get the hint now and move on and still love him then to keep pressing and make a big deal out of it and lose someone way too important to me.
On a positive note, there is someone. Once again, I won't mention any names because I have found that opening my mouth ...err..fingers? .. whatever, and blogging about the guy I'm talking to seems to blow up in my face. However, I will tell you this. He's a teacher. He's 26. He's really cute. He's funny. He's excitable like me! I have a school girl crush on him. He says he has a crush on me as well. He's incredibly fun to be around. And I haven't stopped thinking about him since we met. =] He made a huge impact on me and I'm not exactly sure why or what specific detail sparked it, but I like it.

Family: I've been a lot closer to my family since that last entry. My mom saw it, and she cried. Then she showed pretty much everyone mentioned in it. Unfortunately, I forgot one. It was my grandparents. My Mommom and Poppi. I don't have the relationship with them that I would like, and it's mostly because I don't have a car to get over there whenever I want to. But, it's also because, I feel like I disappoint them. I feel like a total failure in comparison to my cousins and my aunt and my uncle...I feel like I'm the fuck up kid. I'm the one who didn't go to college and get a real job. I work and live pay check to pay check. I'm not exactly the prettiest girl in the world and I know they wanted me to be gorgeous like I was as a kid. I'm not the skinniest of girls either. I have tattoos and used to have piercings. I wanted to tell them that I wish they could accept me for who I am. The tattooed massage therapist who is okay with herself and her looks and who isn't financially stable...I miss them a lot. =/

I guess that's really all I have to say today.

Here's a quote I really like..
"I can sum up all I have learned about life in three words: It goes on." -Robert Frost. 


I just want to be there, when we're caught in the rain. I just want to see you laugh, not cry. I just want to feel you when the night puts on its cloak. A loss for words, don't tell me. Cuz all I can say, I love you till the end. 




I can't escape, I love you till the end.


Jenny-Lynn. <3

Just in case you were wondering...

I know, I didn't use the date as the title. I figured I would stop doing that. Why do you need to see the date twice up there?
What does this title mean? It means different things for different people out there.
To the guy who broke my heart and watched me cry and beg for you back...just in case you were wondering, I'm okay. I cried for a while over you and I think that's why I'm okay now. I can see you and not yearn for you because I know what you're capable of. And quite frankly, it disgusts me a little.

To the "friend" I had to cut out of my life...just in case you were wondering, your words don't hurt me. I feel relieved to have cut you out of my life. Your drama WAS too much to handle. You were ridiculous about everything and just too much for me. I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if you do trash me in your blog constantly. I hope you find an inner peace and realize what you have to offer the world. I hope that one day you look at your arm and say, "I don't need to do this anymore." I hope that you find a true love so pure, you can't believe you ever thought you loved anyone else in this world or any other. I hope that one day when you're sitting there, thinking bad about me, you realize that I will have nothing but nice things to say about you. And lastly, I hope that you get over your vices and become the man I know you are inside.

To the people who look at me and feel sorry for me or feel the need to make fun of me because you think that "nerd" is a disease....just in case you were wondering, I don't care what you think. My nerdiness is my own and I love it. I wouldn't change that for anyone or anything in this world. Guess what? My true friends love me for my nerdisms. If you think my nerdisms are too intense for you, don't talk to me. Or just leave those things out of the conversation. I get it, I'm not your type or the type of person who you would want to be friends with. You don't understand my references. That's fine. Just leave me alone then.

To my brother...just in case you were wondering, I wish we were closer. I wish we could hang out and do stuff together. We went through so much together and yet we can barely be in the same room without one of us getting agitated at some point. I don't get it.

To my friends who stick with me through everything...just in case you were wondering, I love you so much for that. I know who you are when you text me to make plans and don't seem annoyed by me the entire time we're together. I couldn't have made it through a lot of the things I've been going through lately if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to give me a hug, or just a good tough love talk (Eric), you are so awesome. I wish I could have a million more friends like you.

To my best friend Sam...just in case you were wondering......I am so happy you're back in my life. I like the new you. A lot.


To my mom...just in case you were wondering, I'm okay with you getting married. I think that it's great you want to settle down with him. I just don't get it. Also, I love you. I know we don't always get along and I know that we sometimes (read: always) fight. I know that I can't have a conversation with you sometimes. But, I also know that I would die for you. I would kill for you. You're my mom. I just wish you could see me as the little girl who adored you before all the crap you and dad put Nick and I through. I wish you could understand how I felt inside when we fight and when you tell me that you don't need me in your life. I wish you could feel the anguish I feel when I see people in my life getting matching tattoos with their moms, or going to see a movie with them, or just hanging out with them. You could never know how much you hurt me sometimes. But, you could also never know how much I love you for being my mother and for giving me life. For giving me my little brother. For being the one I cried to about relationships that failed.

To my dad...just in case you were wondering, I miss you. I know you're literally in the next room, but you're not the same anymore. I want my best friend back. I know we say it all the time, "Oh, she's my daughter but she's my best friend." "He's my dad, but seriously, we act more like brother and sister." But, I feel like we're just saying it to keep it alive lately. You never talk to me anymore, you're always watching tv, or you're just busy. Even when we hang out, I feel like you're so disinterested in what I have to say. I talk and talk and talk, and I get no response from you. Then when you talk, it's not even about what we're talking about. You just start a new conversation. I feel like I don't even have to be there. I don't know what happened. I can feel that I'm not your little girl anymore, and it hurts. More than you'll ever know. I just want my dad back.


That's it for today guys. Mainly because I can't do this without crying. Oh, one more.

To the person reading this...just in case you were wondering, I love you. More than you could ever imagine. More than I should care about people I've never met, actually, people who I have no idea if they actually exist. I love you for being there when I needed you most. These past 5 months have only been possible because of you.

Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

September 8, 2011. Part 2.

Hello all! I am sitting in school right now. Just took my palpation exam! Good news! 100%! Yeah boyyyy.That's how I roll. Hahaha.
I'm a little disappointed thought because I had plans with someone tonight and I'm pretty sure he's bailing out on me. Which sucks. Hard. But, that's alright. I'll get over it.
There are three rooms where I go to school. Well, in the upstairs area. The one I'm sitting in is the student lounge. It has 3 really crappy computers, a couple of tables with chairs, a microwave, some plastic ware, etc. The other rooms are the lecture room. Just a classroom, really. And the practical room. Which is where we practice on massage on our fellow classmates.
So I am in the student lounge just counting down the minutes, nay the seconds, until we break for lunch. I am freaking starving. I brought one of those tv dinner things tonight. Chicken Fingers. Mmmm. <3

I'm trying to figure out how the heck I'm going to do everything I have to do in my life. I have to graduate in a month, take the National Exams, and start a career. I'm 21! This is ridiculous...I'm really scared. Terrified actually.

On a separate note, a good one, when I did my palpation exam my teacher said "Darth Azwol, the Sith Lady." And that made me quite happy. So now I'm not just Death Star. I'm also Darth Azwol the Sith Lady. Haha.
My phone went off in class today and my ringtone is the Imperial March complete with Darth Vader in the background saying, "The Dark Side of the Force is calling you." It's pretty epic. But, of course, I'm already teased about my Star Wars obsession in school as it is...so they had fun with that one.
"Hmmm, wonder whose phone that could have been.." As they all just stared at me. Haha
Yeah, well, that's pretty much just how I do things.

I had a conversation at work today that I never thought I would have with the people I work with. I was asked by the one girl that works there, where the craziest place I had ever ... gotten busy ... was. She told me hers was in a model home that she was looking at with her husband. Which I thought was hilarious. And awesome. By the way, mine was at the zoo. It was pretty awesome. And hot. The other girl at work though said she had never done anything crazy like that before. Ever. We both just stood there staring at her like, what? And it's not like she's a virgin or anything, she just never did anything crazy. It was just an odd situation to be in.

Have you ever wanted something so much that you're willing to do some not so smart things to get it? Yeah, that's where I am right now. I don't know how to explain it anymore. I don't know how to tell people what it is I want more than I already have. I don't just want someone next to me. I don't just want a cute face. I really don't just want a good lay. I want something real. And I thought I had found it a couple of times and it wasn't. I hope maybe I find it soon. =/

Anyway, I'm going to get back to class and do actual school things.

I love you guys so muchhhh. You have absolutely no idea how much I think about you.

Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

September 8, 2011.

Before you read this, you should be prepared for senseless rambling. Something like a stream of consciousness.

Hey guys! I have about an hour before I have to leave for school so I decided to talk to you guys for a bit. So how are you? Yeah, same.... What have you been up to?    Really?! That's awesome. Me? Oh, you know, just the same old same old. Can't complain, you know. Oh I can complain? Then here we go.
Today is my palpation exam. And instead of spending my entire day studying which was the initial plan, I ended up having to clean my entire apartment. Why? Because my father decided to leave my dog out of her crate alone and Lacey destroyed everything. Everything. She literally just messed everything up. I had to clean my entire apartment from top to bottom.
I live with my dad and my brother. My brother's bed is as old as sin and it hurts his back. So he sleeps in the living room. Which is fine. Except that he uses the living room as if it's a bedroom. He throws his clothes everything. He leaves his trash laying around. It's disgusting. And then I get stuck cleaning it because I hate living like that. So now my entire apartment is sparkling clean. But, I still have my palpation exam tonight.
Which I am totally not prepared for. Unless I get the Deltoids. Then, I'm set.
I am so tired.
Bah, I'm rambling. I'm literally just writing whatever comes to my mind right now.

Oh! So, apparently I'm sad now? I don't get it. I mean, I kind of do. My status on Facebook yesterday was, "Putting on makeup to go to school so I don't look as bad as I feel. Here we go..." and it was misconstrued to think that I was sad. But, I was just sick. I didn't feel good and I looked like crap to go with it until I made myself up.
I really like Volbeat. It's a band. If you don't listen to them, you should look them up. I love the guys voice. His name is Michael Poulsen.  =]

"I've been down but I'm back in the magic zone." - Volbeat.

Bah. I just want to go to sleep. I cannot wait until tonight.

Well, I should probably get ready for school here soon. Okay. Love you guys.

I love you,
Jenny-Lynn. <3