Your heaven's trying everything to break me down.

It has been 5 months since I last did an entry in this blog.
Let's start this out with some simple information.
I moved from the east coast to the mid-west. I am married now. To a wonderful man. I'm making new friends, blahblahblah.

The real reason I write in this blog is to remind myself that I have places to vent. That it's okay that I feel sad right now because I'll get through it. And today is no different. The fact is, there isn't anyone that reads this, but I can't figure out where else to write this crap. So here we go.

You know how people say, "Bleh, I hate myself." And what a lot of them really mean is that they don't like a certain aspect of themselves? It's gotten to be a phrase so often said that no one actually listens when someone says it anymore. They listen a little bit, long enough for it to be polite for them tell you about their problems. But, they don't care. The fact is, when I say I hate myself, I mean it. I loathe every aspect of myself. I seem to push people away somehow. People who I thought were friends of mine, who I thought would be there for me, who I thought wanted me around. I start noticing that they don't. They talk to me less and less until they can just disappear out of my life and they think, "Who cares? It's just one person, she's got tons more friends." The thing, I don't. And every single person who has decided last minute to just disappear...it affects me. Deeply, it does.
Fuck this, I'm tired of being all mature and whatever about it...
I fucking hate myself. I look at every fucking thing about myself and I think, "Why the fuck do I exist?" What do I do for the world around me? What the fuck do I contribute to anyone I know? I'm worthless. I'm useless. And I'm just fucking tired of being that. And yeah I know there are people that might say, "just change." Do you think that if it was that fucking easy I wouldn't have done it by now? Jesus fucking christ. I'm so fucking tired of crying to myself about who I am, and who I'm not. I'm tired of smiling and pretending that I'm fucking okay. People around me, they tell me their problems and I hear them. I just listen. When was the last time one of you decided to ask me if I was okay? Huh? Exactly. You just talk. You don't fucking listen. It doesn't matter what I do, I just don't like me...

I'm thankful for this blog. It's a great way to channel everything I'm feeling and thinking in a way that's completely pure and honest. I don't have to worry about who decides to read this, because this is me. If you can't handle me, don't try.
This week has been...hard. It's been one of those weeks that makes me look at myself and my life and wonder, what the fuck am I doing? I never know what to do or say because I feel like I'm fucking up at every turn. I feel like no matter how I decide to go about a situation, it's wrong in your eyes. I just wanted an hour to relax, take a shower, not worry about talking on the phone or texting. Just one hour to be alone. Completely alone. Believe it or not, I like that sometimes. But, I can't say that to you. Because then it's me not wanting you or wanting to talk to you. If I were to say to you, "I just don't want to talk right now." We'd have a discussion about why, and if you did something wrong, how what I said made you feel. I get lost in all of that. It's as if you forget that I'm here too. That maybe the way I feel might matter. I know what you say to me, and how you don't want to lose me, and I know that you might even mean it. Sometimes, I just think that you don't want to lose me because you don't want to be alone again. That you don't want another relationship to fail. I don't think it's because of me, or who I am. I don't think you would miss me. I think you'd miss having someone to talk to when you're bored, and someone to think about, and someone to miss. Just someone. Not me. I don't know how strong I am anymore...
See, I'm a people person. I talk to everyone. No matter their gender. When I talk to people, meet new people, girls or guys, I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I should be able to tell you all about it without hearing an attitude because you're too insecure to realize that I don't want every guy I talk to. That maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit lonely and meeting new people makes me feel that a little less. For example, my newly good friend, you're so worried about what him and I are doing all the time to think clearly. You constantly tell me that you have a "weird feeling" about him. Even though, he's done NOTHING but be respectful of you and I.
I just .. I needed somewhere to say this, to get it off of my chest. Because if I were to have this conversation with the person I wanted to have it with, it would turn into a lot of questions, I would get flustered, and I wouldn't be able to say it all. I'm sure there's more I want to say, I just can't think anymore today.
Thanks for being here when I need someone to talk to. You mean the world to me, and I love you dearly.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

My heart will go on and on.

I've always been so obsessed with the idea of falling in love. With meeting my one and only and marrying them and staying with them until the day I die. I've made dozens and dozens of lists of traits and qualities that this man would have. He would be sexy, and he would be strong enough for the both of us. He would hold me when I cried, and he would love my laugh. He would tell me how my eyes made him melt and that when I looked at him, he could only see me, with him, forever. That he belonged to me and I to him. He would never doubt my love for him because our love would be the strongest thing either of us had ever felt. His eyes would be smoldering when he gazed at me, his copenhagen smile would knock me off my feet every time, and we would make Hollywood directors jealous with our story. He would sing to me, songs that would make me cry, he would hold me when I was cold, we would watch Star Wars together and he would understand that my obsession, as weird as it may be, makes me who I am today. He wouldn't want to change anything about me. I made these lists and after re-reading them all I realized...my dream guy is too good for me. I mean, what do I have to offer? What about me would make someone else's list? Would this guy I've been dreaming about even look twice at me if he walked past me right now? Probably not. So what would I do about that? I mean, I couldn't very well go through life knowing that the man I wanted to marry someday, whoever he was, wouldn't even give me a second glance. Lately, I've been working on myself for multiple reasons. And the more I did that, the more these lists just sort of seemed silly. I started to realize that the perfect guy wasn't going to morph from words on a page into a real being in front of me. But, I also realized, I didn't need him to. Don't get me wrong, I'm still obsessed with the idea of forever love. I always will be. I hope I never lose that. But, now I'm strong enough to live and be who I am, with or without that love. <3
I have you though, that's all that matters. I know it's been so long since we've had one of these talks, but I think about you every day. I miss you when you're not around, and I wish that just once I could hear your voice. I love you so much. I hope you know that.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

365 days, an eternity.

Looking back at a year ago today, I am stunned to see how far I've come. A year ago today, I was a whiny, annoying, kind of obsessive 20 year old. I was so obsessed with finding "The One" I couldn't even lead a normal life. I remember crying a lot over things that didn't matter. I remember wondering when things would change, while I continued to do the same thing over and over and over again, every day. I remember waking up, going to a job that I hated, coming home, sitting around being bored and ridiculously sad for no reason, and then going to bed. I was in a horrible relationship for no reason other than my self-esteem was too low to think I could get out of it. I had approximately 0 friends. I was petty and I was a terrible person to be around. I felt like I was going nowhere in life.
But, now...holy crap. I mean, I wake up in the morning, go to my job that I freaking love. I'm management now. I love the people I work with. I go home, sit around for maybe an hour to relax, go to the gym, and I have friends that I adore. I go to shows for an awesome band whom I'm friends with, The Last Valorians (check them out....shameless plug). I go to karaoke with my boyfriend, whom I also adore. I just .. I am in a really good place and I thought it was necessary to share with the general public. Anyway, there will be a more extensive post shortly. I just really wanted to get this out there.

I love you guys so much, it's ridiculous. I know it's crazy, but I feel like without you guys, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am.
Jenny-Lynn. <3