June 13, 2011.

It's been a couple days since I've written, and I apologize for that. I was not home all weekend, went out with Jonathan. :)
It was a great weekend. Went out for dinner, sat around watched tv with him, woke up next to him, went to the Italian Festival. Good times.
Then, I did something dumb and watched this stupid ass show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." One of the girls on there was told that she had ovarian cysts and wouldn't be able to conceive. Ever. But, then of course, she did. It just had me thinking. That infection that I went through, the near death experience, I was told that I would probably never have children. That sucked to hear. Especially when I think back to when I actually was pregnant and lost it. It's like a kick to the stomach every time. And to re-think about it...it kills me. I let it kind of fester inside of me most of the day, not wanting it to ruin anyone else's mood. But then, I couldn't hold it back anymore. When Jon took me home, I just let it out. I cried and cried and told him that if he didn't want to be with me anymore that I totally understood. Because, I mean, that's what guys are looking for...the woman to settle down with and have their kids. And here I am, probably unable to do that for him. He just held me and told me that nothing was going to make him think twice about me and that we would get over it.
Now, I actually have to get over it. Unfortunately, even at 20 years old, I know that I want kids someday. How does someone who has always wanted to be a mom cope with being told that that might never happen. And that its nothing she can fix. Sure, there are surrogates, there's adoption...but, its not the same. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby. I want to hold it after so many hours of labor. I want to be a mom. I don't want to have to explain to my son/daughter one day that they aren't ACTUALLY mine. That some other woman carried them for 9 months. I would never want my child to have to go through that.
I wrote this tonight because its something thats been eating away at me for a couple of hours now. I can't seem to shake it tonight...
That's all for tonight. I love you and I want to thank you for being there for me when I really need someone. Just knowing that maybe one person might be reading this, it helps. Truly. So, again, I love you. And I'll be writing again soon.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3