Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I can't believe it's been an entire year since I last said that. I have a few thoughts in my heads this year.

 This exact time last year I was sitting in my now husband's family's living room, reigning in the New Year with my best friend. At that time I had no idea that I would end up marrying that best friend and spending the rest of my life with him. Tonight, I'm sitting in our own living room watching the ball drop on our own tv, with our pets.

  This past year I gave up some friendships and kept other friends really close. Some of them might have been mistakes. Maybe I shouldn't have given up on some friends, and maybe others I shouldn't have continued to associate with. But, you live and learn. Maybe one day those friends I shouldn't have given up on will come back into my life and we'll try again. Maybe not. Either way, I know what I'm looking for in my life now.

 This next year I hope to reach out to people who I might have been too proud to reach out to this past year. Get reacquainted with friends I never should have given up in the first place. I hope to judge people a little less and learn to be more appreciative of the things I have. I know this all sounds really cliche but last year I made these resolutions, and I stuck to them. Of course I have the same resolutions as probably everyone in the world; I want to lose weight, and be prettier/healthier this year. But, in reality I don't care about those things as much as I care about working on communicating with my husband, being a better friend to the people who deserve it, and just being happy. I feel like in 2012 I learned to judge people less and get to know people more, and I tried to look at the bright side of everything. The latter was a little difficult for me and I plan on working on that a little more. I just want to be happy and make my husband happy this year.

Again, happy New Year to everyone out there in Cyberland. <3
Jenny

Your heaven's trying everything to break me down.

It has been 5 months since I last did an entry in this blog.
Let's start this out with some simple information.
I moved from the east coast to the mid-west. I am married now. To a wonderful man. I'm making new friends, blahblahblah.

The real reason I write in this blog is to remind myself that I have places to vent. That it's okay that I feel sad right now because I'll get through it. And today is no different. The fact is, there isn't anyone that reads this, but I can't figure out where else to write this crap. So here we go.

You know how people say, "Bleh, I hate myself." And what a lot of them really mean is that they don't like a certain aspect of themselves? It's gotten to be a phrase so often said that no one actually listens when someone says it anymore. They listen a little bit, long enough for it to be polite for them tell you about their problems. But, they don't care. The fact is, when I say I hate myself, I mean it. I loathe every aspect of myself. I seem to push people away somehow. People who I thought were friends of mine, who I thought would be there for me, who I thought wanted me around. I start noticing that they don't. They talk to me less and less until they can just disappear out of my life and they think, "Who cares? It's just one person, she's got tons more friends." The thing, I don't. And every single person who has decided last minute to just disappear...it affects me. Deeply, it does.
Fuck this, I'm tired of being all mature and whatever about it...
I fucking hate myself. I look at every fucking thing about myself and I think, "Why the fuck do I exist?" What do I do for the world around me? What the fuck do I contribute to anyone I know? I'm worthless. I'm useless. And I'm just fucking tired of being that. And yeah I know there are people that might say, "just change." Do you think that if it was that fucking easy I wouldn't have done it by now? Jesus fucking christ. I'm so fucking tired of crying to myself about who I am, and who I'm not. I'm tired of smiling and pretending that I'm fucking okay. People around me, they tell me their problems and I hear them. I just listen. When was the last time one of you decided to ask me if I was okay? Huh? Exactly. You just talk. You don't fucking listen. It doesn't matter what I do, I just don't like me...

I'm thankful for this blog. It's a great way to channel everything I'm feeling and thinking in a way that's completely pure and honest. I don't have to worry about who decides to read this, because this is me. If you can't handle me, don't try.
This week has been...hard. It's been one of those weeks that makes me look at myself and my life and wonder, what the fuck am I doing? I never know what to do or say because I feel like I'm fucking up at every turn. I feel like no matter how I decide to go about a situation, it's wrong in your eyes. I just wanted an hour to relax, take a shower, not worry about talking on the phone or texting. Just one hour to be alone. Completely alone. Believe it or not, I like that sometimes. But, I can't say that to you. Because then it's me not wanting you or wanting to talk to you. If I were to say to you, "I just don't want to talk right now." We'd have a discussion about why, and if you did something wrong, how what I said made you feel. I get lost in all of that. It's as if you forget that I'm here too. That maybe the way I feel might matter. I know what you say to me, and how you don't want to lose me, and I know that you might even mean it. Sometimes, I just think that you don't want to lose me because you don't want to be alone again. That you don't want another relationship to fail. I don't think it's because of me, or who I am. I don't think you would miss me. I think you'd miss having someone to talk to when you're bored, and someone to think about, and someone to miss. Just someone. Not me. I don't know how strong I am anymore...
See, I'm a people person. I talk to everyone. No matter their gender. When I talk to people, meet new people, girls or guys, I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I should be able to tell you all about it without hearing an attitude because you're too insecure to realize that I don't want every guy I talk to. That maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit lonely and meeting new people makes me feel that a little less. For example, my newly good friend, you're so worried about what him and I are doing all the time to think clearly. You constantly tell me that you have a "weird feeling" about him. Even though, he's done NOTHING but be respectful of you and I.
I just .. I needed somewhere to say this, to get it off of my chest. Because if I were to have this conversation with the person I wanted to have it with, it would turn into a lot of questions, I would get flustered, and I wouldn't be able to say it all. I'm sure there's more I want to say, I just can't think anymore today.
Thanks for being here when I need someone to talk to. You mean the world to me, and I love you dearly.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

My heart will go on and on.

I've always been so obsessed with the idea of falling in love. With meeting my one and only and marrying them and staying with them until the day I die. I've made dozens and dozens of lists of traits and qualities that this man would have. He would be sexy, and he would be strong enough for the both of us. He would hold me when I cried, and he would love my laugh. He would tell me how my eyes made him melt and that when I looked at him, he could only see me, with him, forever. That he belonged to me and I to him. He would never doubt my love for him because our love would be the strongest thing either of us had ever felt. His eyes would be smoldering when he gazed at me, his copenhagen smile would knock me off my feet every time, and we would make Hollywood directors jealous with our story. He would sing to me, songs that would make me cry, he would hold me when I was cold, we would watch Star Wars together and he would understand that my obsession, as weird as it may be, makes me who I am today. He wouldn't want to change anything about me. I made these lists and after re-reading them all I realized...my dream guy is too good for me. I mean, what do I have to offer? What about me would make someone else's list? Would this guy I've been dreaming about even look twice at me if he walked past me right now? Probably not. So what would I do about that? I mean, I couldn't very well go through life knowing that the man I wanted to marry someday, whoever he was, wouldn't even give me a second glance. Lately, I've been working on myself for multiple reasons. And the more I did that, the more these lists just sort of seemed silly. I started to realize that the perfect guy wasn't going to morph from words on a page into a real being in front of me. But, I also realized, I didn't need him to. Don't get me wrong, I'm still obsessed with the idea of forever love. I always will be. I hope I never lose that. But, now I'm strong enough to live and be who I am, with or without that love. <3
I have you though, that's all that matters. I know it's been so long since we've had one of these talks, but I think about you every day. I miss you when you're not around, and I wish that just once I could hear your voice. I love you so much. I hope you know that.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

365 days, an eternity.

Looking back at a year ago today, I am stunned to see how far I've come. A year ago today, I was a whiny, annoying, kind of obsessive 20 year old. I was so obsessed with finding "The One" I couldn't even lead a normal life. I remember crying a lot over things that didn't matter. I remember wondering when things would change, while I continued to do the same thing over and over and over again, every day. I remember waking up, going to a job that I hated, coming home, sitting around being bored and ridiculously sad for no reason, and then going to bed. I was in a horrible relationship for no reason other than my self-esteem was too low to think I could get out of it. I had approximately 0 friends. I was petty and I was a terrible person to be around. I felt like I was going nowhere in life.
But, now...holy crap. I mean, I wake up in the morning, go to my job that I freaking love. I'm management now. I love the people I work with. I go home, sit around for maybe an hour to relax, go to the gym, and I have friends that I adore. I go to shows for an awesome band whom I'm friends with, The Last Valorians (check them out....shameless plug). I go to karaoke with my boyfriend, whom I also adore. I just .. I am in a really good place and I thought it was necessary to share with the general public. Anyway, there will be a more extensive post shortly. I just really wanted to get this out there.

I love you guys so much, it's ridiculous. I know it's crazy, but I feel like without you guys, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

I Said It's Hot Outside, Let Me Go Swimming In Your Eyes.

Oh, hey there. So, yes, it has been a while since I've posted. And to the few, very few, loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for the hiatus. It was a lot longer than I had expected it to be. But, I'm back! Rejoice you may.

I figured I would come back when I had life figured out, or at least had the illusion of having life figured out. I don't. At all. I don't actually understand life at all. Not even a little bit. I thought I was onto something for a bit there, but still nothing. This post is going to be a little all over the place because that's where my mind is at the moment. It's okay if you get lost part way through. I'll probably get lost writing it.

I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is about my life that is keeping me from feeling completely at peace with it. The more I think about it, I realize it can be boiled down to a few things.

The first one, my self-esteem issues. They have got to improve. I have someone in my life right now who has helped a lot with it. Unfortunately, it's called self-esteem for a reason. It's the way I view myself, and that can't be changed entirely through other people's opinions. Fortunately, the few physical things I want to change about myself are fairly simple to change. The extra weight around the midsection, the chipped front tooth, those sort of small physical changes that I obsess over constantly. It's the non-physical aspects of myself that are going to be harder to change. Actually, I don't really want to change them. Maybe that's the first step at bettering my own self image. I don't want to change who I am on the inside. Yes, I'm loud. Borderline obnoxious, really. But, I like that. I can hang out with any group of guys and fit right in. Maybe not so much with their girlfriends,  or any girls for that matter, but I don't really like most gals anyway. I'm a total man's girl. I love sexist jokes, I think that women as a whole are crazy people, and I have been known to totally abide by the Bro Code as opposed to the...well, whatever the equivalent is for girls. I have helped many a guy friends sleep with many a women without the intention to ever call them again. I'm okay with that.

The second thing, personal relationships. I'm finally in a healthy romantic relationship with someone who wants to be with me, and not with my vagina. Meaning, our relationship is not of a sexual nature. At first I thought, "What the hell am I doing? I love sex. I can't be with someone who doesn't want to have sex." Then, I realized, I don't love sex as much as I love the thought of someone wanting me so much, in such a carnal way, that they resort to some animalistic form of communicating said wanting. But, this one can want me in that way and communicate it without pulling his genitals out. It's pretty fantastic. Plus, he kind of ... gets me. It's kind of awesome. Unfortunately, romantic isn't the only kind of relationship one has in their lives. And I seem to be failing in most of the other senses of relationships. For example, friendships. I have one really close friend, Sam. Literally the best friend I've ever had and ever will have. He has no idea what he means to me. He probably actually never will considering the fact that our friendship isn't exactly the kind where you express who much you care about the other one with phrases of sentiment. You do it through constant ribbing. Duh. We've known each other for close to 8 years. 9 years? I don't know. It's been a while. He knows every humiliating story there is to know about me, every stupid quirk that not even some family members know about, every ridiculous pet peeve and annoyance I have, and most importantly, he may be the only one who can tell when I'm upset and to what degree I'm upset at all times. I wish I had more friends like him but so far, everyone seems to disappoint in that respect. I thought I was getting really close to a girl. ((take a moment to gasp in astonishment)) Yes, a girl. I thought we were going to be really good friends. We had known each other as little tykes, meaning fifth grade, and had endured the awesome humiliation of being D.A.R.E cheerleaders together. I thought we were a lot alike. We're both loud, obnoxious, bitchy chicks who can get down with the guys. Not in the dirty way. Well, I guess that too. I don't know, never seen the girl in action. Okay, this is getting a bit weird....anyway! I thought we had a good thing going. But, then I met my boyfriend and she started dating hers seriously, and that was that. She's bailed on plans to hang out, I've bailed on plans to hang out. It seems we don't really have time for each other. Which definitely sucks. But, on the bright side, I have been hanging out with a couple new people and may have formed a few friendships. Mostly through this guy, Blayze. His girlfriend is one of my favorite people ever. He's pretty cool too. Just in case he reads this. =]
I thought I had met a few awesome people through the boyfriend. Until I realized, I can't get close to his friends. I mean, his best friend is freaking awesome. The exact kind of guy I would normally befriend. But, I can't risk the awkward break up moments. You know, you date someone, get to know his friends, become friends with them, then you and boyfriend break up. Sure, the friends you stayed close with through the relationship will pretend for a while to try to remain friends with you. But, you both know that it can't continue. It's just....awkward.
Then of course there are the family relationships. My dad and I are still weirdly estranged. He lives right in the next room, and yet we can't even hold conversations. I go days without even seeing him sometimes. Maybe him living in the same place as me is the problem. Maybe I just can't live with him. I don't know. He annoys me sometimes. And most of the time, I can't even figure out why. The worst part is that now I can't watch a show or a movie with a character whose dad dies, or hear a song about a father/daughter relationship without bursting into tears. For example, I recently caught up on all past seasons of How I Met Your Mother and in one of the episodes (spoiler alert) Marshall's dad dies. And he's thinking about the last words his father ever said to him. And I cried the entire episode. I kept thinking what if I never seen my dad again? What if this happened to me? I have really got to fix things with him...
My mom stayed with us for the weekend and it was surprisingly not terrible. For the people reading this who actually know me, you know that my mom and I haven't always been on the best of terms, that's putting it lightly. We couldn't be in the same room for a while because I blamed her for my entire fucked up childhood. I genuinely did not like her. Of course, I loved her. I mean, the woman pushed me out of her ... lady bits. But, I couldn't believe that any woman who loved her child would put them through what she put me through. How could she ruin me? How could she hurt me so bad if she loved me so much? Then I realized, we always hurt the ones we love the most. We don't even mean to. She was 20 when she had me. 20 years old. She was a year younger than me now when he had a baby. I can't imagine my life with a baby now, and I've come a long way in just this past year. Last year, I would have been the worst mother of all time. I'm surprised she did as well as she did with a baby at 20, and another baby at 22 who was in and out of the hospital all the time. Looking back on my childhood, yeah, my mom screwed up quite a few times. But, so did my dad. And I freaking adore my father. Why did I give up on my mother-daughter relationship? I needed her in high school. I needed her when she left me. I needed her when my boyfriend broke up with me for no reason, or when one of my boyfriends cheated on me, or when one of the other ones cheated on me. I needed my mom when I found out I may never have a child. I may never have the joy of raising kids the way my mom did. And she was always so happy to be there for me. I don't know why I gave her such a hard time...I'm just glad she's still there to fix things.

Well, now that you have all been privy to the extremely private thoughts inside this awesome brain of mine. Of course there are some things I cant share with certain readers that I would love to get off my chest. But, I  know I have people in my life I can always vent to.

I love you so much. I missed you more than you'll ever know. Thank you so much for being part of my life.

Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

Firefly, could you shine your light?

I've been realizing lately that everyone has a different meaning for the same words.

For example, the word "inappropriate." Most people's minds go to dirty, raunchy, sexual things. My mind however goes to the actual meaning of the word. Not proper or suitable. This of course could mean that someone made a sexual comment to someone else and that it was completely ... you guessed it, inappropriate. Or it could mean thinking about someone constantly, in a non-sexual way, and saying something completely off the wall like, "Seeing you makes me stop breathing for a second." Not sexual at all. However, if the conversation is not at all about emotions, or if the person doesn't feel at all the same way about you, this sentence is far more inappropriate than saying something of the physical manner.

Another word, "hopeless." Most people see this as a negative adjective towards people. Somehow being hopeless became this terrible thing to everyone. I don't mind being hopeless. It's just who I am now. After being hurt over and over and over again, and after realizing that no matter how much someone stabs me in the heart, no matter how many times I feel like I'm drowning in tears or pain, I know that I will always believe in soul mates. I'll always believe in happily ever after. I will continue to cry at romantic movies, and at the thought of never meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. I will always believe in love. 
I know that's seen as hopeless, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather be hopeless and put myself out there, even if I do get hurt ten million times, because I know that the day I do meet him, all of the pain will have been more than worth it. I have no doubts in that. I'll dream about that guy all the way up until the day I meet him. I vow to never forget to stop and think about what my life with him will be like, even though I know that when it actually happens it will be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Ever.

One more. The word, "weird." I am very...very weird. I always thought that was a good thing. I'm unique, you won't meet someone else like me. I have just always considered myself fun, quirky, kind of funny in that "I don't really get it but her laugh is hilarious." sort of way, a lot nerdy, and a little emotional. But most of all, I was different. I had no problem in going up to a random person and talking their ear off about my life, their life, Star Wars, love, what's wrong with the world, politics, their shirt, my shirt, their shoes, my pants, my dog, music, why I love to color, anything really. Then, one day someone broke me. People started making me think that there was something wrong with me. That being so sociable was ... well, weird. They gave that word such a bad connotation that I didn't want to be that anymore. I put myself in a miserable friendship for so long because she was "normal." She was accepted by the general public as a good person. She was quiet, she was rude, she was judgmental, I hated being around her, but I stayed friends with her because it was the "normal" thing to do. She kept me as normal as possible. I hated being that normal. I hated being that run of the mill girl who complained about things that made no sense to complain about. I hated caring about what I was wearing because someone else might not like it. I hated the way she looked at people, the way I was expected to look at people who weren't "skinny enough" or "pretty enough." Yeah, like you're a real prize, kid. I want to be the person who didn't care again.

All in all, I'm a goofy, nerdy, crazy, emotional, fun, quirky, unique, hopeless, inappropriate, weird, amazing, hopeful, loving, caring, funny, great person who is an amazing kisser, a great lover, and kick-ass at Star Wars trivia, and happens to fall apart a lot. I cry for no reason, I laugh for no reason, I talk to people because they look interesting, I am obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, I love penguins, I am an obsessive texter, I check Facebook like it's a religion, I hate Marilyn Monroe, I get way too excited about little things, I exaggerate my like/dislike of things to get a point across, I pick fights with a significant other because I like the passion and fire behind arguing, I'm a complete mess. And, I guess I'm looking for someone who can handle that.