Firefly, could you shine your light?

I've been realizing lately that everyone has a different meaning for the same words.

For example, the word "inappropriate." Most people's minds go to dirty, raunchy, sexual things. My mind however goes to the actual meaning of the word. Not proper or suitable. This of course could mean that someone made a sexual comment to someone else and that it was completely ... you guessed it, inappropriate. Or it could mean thinking about someone constantly, in a non-sexual way, and saying something completely off the wall like, "Seeing you makes me stop breathing for a second." Not sexual at all. However, if the conversation is not at all about emotions, or if the person doesn't feel at all the same way about you, this sentence is far more inappropriate than saying something of the physical manner.

Another word, "hopeless." Most people see this as a negative adjective towards people. Somehow being hopeless became this terrible thing to everyone. I don't mind being hopeless. It's just who I am now. After being hurt over and over and over again, and after realizing that no matter how much someone stabs me in the heart, no matter how many times I feel like I'm drowning in tears or pain, I know that I will always believe in soul mates. I'll always believe in happily ever after. I will continue to cry at romantic movies, and at the thought of never meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. I will always believe in love. 
I know that's seen as hopeless, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather be hopeless and put myself out there, even if I do get hurt ten million times, because I know that the day I do meet him, all of the pain will have been more than worth it. I have no doubts in that. I'll dream about that guy all the way up until the day I meet him. I vow to never forget to stop and think about what my life with him will be like, even though I know that when it actually happens it will be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Ever.

One more. The word, "weird." I am very...very weird. I always thought that was a good thing. I'm unique, you won't meet someone else like me. I have just always considered myself fun, quirky, kind of funny in that "I don't really get it but her laugh is hilarious." sort of way, a lot nerdy, and a little emotional. But most of all, I was different. I had no problem in going up to a random person and talking their ear off about my life, their life, Star Wars, love, what's wrong with the world, politics, their shirt, my shirt, their shoes, my pants, my dog, music, why I love to color, anything really. Then, one day someone broke me. People started making me think that there was something wrong with me. That being so sociable was ... well, weird. They gave that word such a bad connotation that I didn't want to be that anymore. I put myself in a miserable friendship for so long because she was "normal." She was accepted by the general public as a good person. She was quiet, she was rude, she was judgmental, I hated being around her, but I stayed friends with her because it was the "normal" thing to do. She kept me as normal as possible. I hated being that normal. I hated being that run of the mill girl who complained about things that made no sense to complain about. I hated caring about what I was wearing because someone else might not like it. I hated the way she looked at people, the way I was expected to look at people who weren't "skinny enough" or "pretty enough." Yeah, like you're a real prize, kid. I want to be the person who didn't care again.

All in all, I'm a goofy, nerdy, crazy, emotional, fun, quirky, unique, hopeless, inappropriate, weird, amazing, hopeful, loving, caring, funny, great person who is an amazing kisser, a great lover, and kick-ass at Star Wars trivia, and happens to fall apart a lot. I cry for no reason, I laugh for no reason, I talk to people because they look interesting, I am obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, I love penguins, I am an obsessive texter, I check Facebook like it's a religion, I hate Marilyn Monroe, I get way too excited about little things, I exaggerate my like/dislike of things to get a point across, I pick fights with a significant other because I like the passion and fire behind arguing, I'm a complete mess. And, I guess I'm looking for someone who can handle that.

Did you ever see a robin weep when leaves begin to die? It means he's lost the will to live.

This is sort of hard for me to write especially after the last blog. In which I insisted that I couldn't be broken. I lied. I am broken. I guess the truth is, I can't be repaired. I thought that the way I am...I thought I was okay. I'm not. I'm just delirious and delusional. I force myself to think things are okay and that I'm fine. I even pretend that I'm better than fine. I say things like, "you'll never break me." What I really mean is "You can't break me anymore than I already am." I'm irreparable.
This hurts to write because I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm still lost and I still have no idea what I want. I know I'm still young and that I have plenty of time to figure it out, but I feel incredibly lost. Maybe it's time for a change. I keep telling myself that I want to escape to Ireland someday, when I have the money. I make excuses constantly about why I haven't changed my life to be the way I want it to be. I am starting to realize the reason I haven't done anything is fear. I'm terrified that I'm stuck this way forever, so why bother? Or maybe I'm afraid to change. I know myself now. I know when a "mood" is coming. I can feel when my emotions are getting out of whack and I'm getting good at hiding them. A new me means new emotions, new moods, new everything. Maybe I'm afraid to be someone new, or maybe I'm afraid I'll actually find myself. I really don't know, I just know that I'm afraid.
I really needed to write this to let everyone know that I'm going to sort of disappear for a while. I'm going to work, reflect, save money, etc. And then I'm escaping. I'm going to miss you very much. If you read this blog and I don't know you, thank you so much for letting me be apart of your life for so long. And I promise to return, so stay subscribed.
If you're reading this, and I do know you. I'm sorry you didn't know the real me. And I'm going to miss you so much. I can guarantee that. You should have my number if you really need to contact me.

Whether I know you or not, I love you. And I always will.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together..

I think the message I would tell people if I could, the one thing that I could just broadcast is this...you can't break me.
I know people have tried in the past, and yeah, I've gotten pretty bent, but I'm still in one piece. Never will anyone ever get the best of me. You might think you can, you might think that you'll be the one to break me in half, and you might wish you were that person, but you're not. Okay? Get over it.
You can say whatever you want about me, to me or behind my back, and I will still just brush it off and get over it. I'll move on.
There's something I guess I should share with you guys. The way I grew up wasn't exactly pleasant. I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. Between parents that fought constantly over nothing, a dad who was a junkie, a mom who couldn't care if you lived or died because she was too busy babying your little brother, and financial issues, it was hard to be a happy kid. A typical day in high school for me would be something like this:
Wake up, usually a little late.
Take a quick shower, get dressed and ready for school. Which usually consisted of a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. Maybe a hoodie if it was cold.
Running out the front door, where the one good thing about my day stood. His name is Sam. He has been my best friend for years.
Walking to school.
Getting to school, going about my day as if I was fine.
Walking home with Sam.
Going inside and being greeted to an attitude from my mom.
Fighting with my mom, hiding out in my room until my dad got home.
Hearing my dad come home and going to go downstairs but then hearing my parents start arguing. So instead I would flip on the music, turn it up way too loud to drown it out.
Going downstairs for dinner, staying silent the entire time I ate.
Fighting with my parents over ... anything, really.
Going back upstairs, screaming my music at the top of my lungs, going to bed.
Repeat.
Either that or I would run to Sam's house. All day.
That was every day. My parents would just fight and fight and fight. Then, my brother and I started arguing. We would get into fist fights. Full-fledged fist fights. My dad would go get his fix, my mom would sit there and watch as my brother kicked the shit out of me. Then, yell at me, "Jenny, shut up, it didn't hurt that bad. You can breathe, you'll be fine." Can you imagine having to brush off the insults from your own parents? Having two parents who couldn't care less if you didn't come home for days? Having a house that was more like a war zone? Seriously, your house is supposed to be your sanctuary, you should be able to go home and feel safe. I didn't. I felt safer out running around with friends or just being outside. I hated going home.

Christ, when I was like 4, I got kidnapped. I went outside and this woman just snatched me up and kept me in a bedroom for a few hours before my mom actually came looking for me.

But, going through all of that, hearing your mom tell you that you're the reason her and your father fight, hearing your dad tell your mom that she's good for nothing, hearing your entire family jump down your throat for just being yourself...it made me stronger. It got me to this point in my life. I can now look at someone who doubts me, who looks down on me, or just doesn't like me for who I am, and tell them...you will never break me.
You will never be the reason I cry, you will never be the reason I give up on myself, and you sure as hell won't be the reason I leave this earth.

So, to the couple of people out there who think that by saying things like, "you mean nothing to me." "you're not good enough." "you're too (enter any adjective here.)" that you can bring me down...think again.
I promise to rise up above all of your petty shit and all the fucking crap you want to throw at me. I swear to you, one day you will be fucking crawling on your hands and god damn knees, begging and pleading, for forgiveness. You will come to me the same way you always have and look up at me and you will see who I am. Don't you motherfuckers know? I'm Jenny-motherfucking-Lynn. I'm the Death Star. I will ruin your fucking life without even fucking trying. Just remember that shit next time you think about me, just remember that every time you talk about me, that's just one more person who knows about me. You're just getting me one step closer to being a house-hold name. So, please, keep trying to bring me down. It makes me laugh, and they always say laughter is the best medicine.

Jenny-Lynn aka "Death Star".