I'm thankful for this blog. It's a great way to channel everything I'm feeling and thinking in a way that's completely pure and honest. I don't have to worry about who decides to read this, because this is me. If you can't handle me, don't try.
This week has been...hard. It's been one of those weeks that makes me look at myself and my life and wonder, what the fuck am I doing? I never know what to do or say because I feel like I'm fucking up at every turn. I feel like no matter how I decide to go about a situation, it's wrong in your eyes. I just wanted an hour to relax, take a shower, not worry about talking on the phone or texting. Just one hour to be alone. Completely alone. Believe it or not, I like that sometimes. But, I can't say that to you. Because then it's me not wanting you or wanting to talk to you. If I were to say to you, "I just don't want to talk right now." We'd have a discussion about why, and if you did something wrong, how what I said made you feel. I get lost in all of that. It's as if you forget that I'm here too. That maybe the way I feel might matter. I know what you say to me, and how you don't want to lose me, and I know that you might even mean it. Sometimes, I just think that you don't want to lose me because you don't want to be alone again. That you don't want another relationship to fail. I don't think it's because of me, or who I am. I don't think you would miss me. I think you'd miss having someone to talk to when you're bored, and someone to think about, and someone to miss. Just someone. Not me. I don't know how strong I am anymore...
See, I'm a people person. I talk to everyone. No matter their gender. When I talk to people, meet new people, girls or guys, I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I should be able to tell you all about it without hearing an attitude because you're too insecure to realize that I don't want every guy I talk to. That maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit lonely and meeting new people makes me feel that a little less. For example, my newly good friend, you're so worried about what him and I are doing all the time to think clearly. You constantly tell me that you have a "weird feeling" about him. Even though, he's done NOTHING but be respectful of you and I.
I just .. I needed somewhere to say this, to get it off of my chest. Because if I were to have this conversation with the person I wanted to have it with, it would turn into a lot of questions, I would get flustered, and I wouldn't be able to say it all. I'm sure there's more I want to say, I just can't think anymore today.
Thanks for being here when I need someone to talk to. You mean the world to me, and I love you dearly.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

My heart will go on and on.

I've always been so obsessed with the idea of falling in love. With meeting my one and only and marrying them and staying with them until the day I die. I've made dozens and dozens of lists of traits and qualities that this man would have. He would be sexy, and he would be strong enough for the both of us. He would hold me when I cried, and he would love my laugh. He would tell me how my eyes made him melt and that when I looked at him, he could only see me, with him, forever. That he belonged to me and I to him. He would never doubt my love for him because our love would be the strongest thing either of us had ever felt. His eyes would be smoldering when he gazed at me, his copenhagen smile would knock me off my feet every time, and we would make Hollywood directors jealous with our story. He would sing to me, songs that would make me cry, he would hold me when I was cold, we would watch Star Wars together and he would understand that my obsession, as weird as it may be, makes me who I am today. He wouldn't want to change anything about me. I made these lists and after re-reading them all I realized...my dream guy is too good for me. I mean, what do I have to offer? What about me would make someone else's list? Would this guy I've been dreaming about even look twice at me if he walked past me right now? Probably not. So what would I do about that? I mean, I couldn't very well go through life knowing that the man I wanted to marry someday, whoever he was, wouldn't even give me a second glance. Lately, I've been working on myself for multiple reasons. And the more I did that, the more these lists just sort of seemed silly. I started to realize that the perfect guy wasn't going to morph from words on a page into a real being in front of me. But, I also realized, I didn't need him to. Don't get me wrong, I'm still obsessed with the idea of forever love. I always will be. I hope I never lose that. But, now I'm strong enough to live and be who I am, with or without that love. <3
I have you though, that's all that matters. I know it's been so long since we've had one of these talks, but I think about you every day. I miss you when you're not around, and I wish that just once I could hear your voice. I love you so much. I hope you know that.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3