I'm thankful for this blog. It's a great way to channel everything I'm feeling and thinking in a way that's completely pure and honest. I don't have to worry about who decides to read this, because this is me. If you can't handle me, don't try.
This week has been...hard. It's been one of those weeks that makes me look at myself and my life and wonder, what the fuck am I doing? I never know what to do or say because I feel like I'm fucking up at every turn. I feel like no matter how I decide to go about a situation, it's wrong in your eyes. I just wanted an hour to relax, take a shower, not worry about talking on the phone or texting. Just one hour to be alone. Completely alone. Believe it or not, I like that sometimes. But, I can't say that to you. Because then it's me not wanting you or wanting to talk to you. If I were to say to you, "I just don't want to talk right now." We'd have a discussion about why, and if you did something wrong, how what I said made you feel. I get lost in all of that. It's as if you forget that I'm here too. That maybe the way I feel might matter. I know what you say to me, and how you don't want to lose me, and I know that you might even mean it. Sometimes, I just think that you don't want to lose me because you don't want to be alone again. That you don't want another relationship to fail. I don't think it's because of me, or who I am. I don't think you would miss me. I think you'd miss having someone to talk to when you're bored, and someone to think about, and someone to miss. Just someone. Not me. I don't know how strong I am anymore...
See, I'm a people person. I talk to everyone. No matter their gender. When I talk to people, meet new people, girls or guys, I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I should be able to tell you all about it without hearing an attitude because you're too insecure to realize that I don't want every guy I talk to. That maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit lonely and meeting new people makes me feel that a little less. For example, my newly good friend, you're so worried about what him and I are doing all the time to think clearly. You constantly tell me that you have a "weird feeling" about him. Even though, he's done NOTHING but be respectful of you and I.
I just .. I needed somewhere to say this, to get it off of my chest. Because if I were to have this conversation with the person I wanted to have it with, it would turn into a lot of questions, I would get flustered, and I wouldn't be able to say it all. I'm sure there's more I want to say, I just can't think anymore today.
Thanks for being here when I need someone to talk to. You mean the world to me, and I love you dearly.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3