April 6, 2011.

I'm pretty sure this thing will say its only the 5th, but as of 13 minutes ago, thats not true. Still struggling with the fact that I can't be everything everyone wants. Tonight, driving home, I got into a big fight with someone really important to me and lost them forever. I just want to jump off of a building right now. I am really hoping that this writing thing helps me get over it. Maybe find some sort of closure through the words on my screen? I'm starting to think it may be too late for me. It may be too late for me to move on through this depression. Maybe Ive been dwelling in this state of self-loathing for so long that I'm stuck there. Sometimes you use someone as a crutch. An emotional crutch .You lean on them, and you depend on them to help you get to the next point in your life. Sometimes without that crutch you can't heal properly. Sometimes you just use them out of fear of facing the real world without them. I cant pretend I dont care when I'm forgotten, when I'm cast aside like a leper, when I realize that I'm nothing special to anyone. I could jump off of a bridge and at the end of the day the only people who would remember me a week from now are my family, and maybe the people at school. And I only say them because my name would stay on the attendance roster for the next couple weeks. I keep searching for something to live for. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be different. That when I wake up I wont hate myself. Maybe I should see a shrink. Get some drugs. Something. I can't take this constant emptiness. Maybe one day I'll be able to write this blog about how happy I am. Don't hold your breath though, guys.
I have a question for you. Have you ever cried so hard that you forget how to breathe, that you cant feel anything anymore except the warmth of the tears, that you think the emptiness will go away but it just gets bigger because the tears were the only thing filling it? If you have then you might understand where I am. I don't expect sympathy anymore. To feel sympathetic for someone you have to care about them and their situation. I have stopped deluding myself into believing that people care about me. Another day, another casualty of life, another obituary to print, another sad young girl who gives up. Just another one of the bunch.
I dont know what else to say tonight. Sorry for the depressing tone. And once again, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3