June 20, 2011.

Holy shit. So, the weekend starts off with some doucher telling me he wants a massage then not being home for his appointment. At this point I'm almost on E in my car and was depending on the money from said massage to get gas to go to school that night. But, of course....
Then, Jon picks me up, and guess who gets the worst migraine of her natural born life? This girl.
Go home, wake up Friday morning, go to a job interview. In which they tell me that I'm a great candidate for the job, that they're going to push my application through but at the very end of the interview tell me that the position is for nights and weekends....-_-
Right on my application it said that I was not available nights because of school. Why would they even interview me?! Whatever. Friday night, I go to Jon's.
Saturday morning. Wake up, play some board games, hang out with Jon, go to his cousin's graduation party, go home, do nothing all night. Fight with and almost lost Jon. Made up. =]
Today! My favorite day of the weekend. Wake up at Jon's with Laceybug. (my dog.) <3 Whom we picked up last night because I missed her. Get dressed and all that mess, go to Jon's grandparent's house for a little fathers day celebration. Went out to eat with my dad  and brother. =] Then, we went swimming with Jon and his friends.
This brings us to the epitome of my evening. Finding out that one of my BEST friends is now dating someone. Who happens to be my cousin. The one who has hated me since forever ago. Not only that but he's so delusional that he thinks that she's going to be totally okay with our friendship. I mean, hello! we almost dated! There were feelings involved. And there's already a long history of distrust between me and my cousin. My cousin and I. Whatever. Me and my best friend were supposed to do a hilarious video together for his YouTube channel. However, that will no longer be happening because even though MY significant other finds it totally non-threatening, his will not. Simply put, I think I just lost another great friend. =/

But, at least I still have you. I love you for sticking through it all with me. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

April 6, 2011.

I'm pretty sure this thing will say its only the 5th, but as of 13 minutes ago, thats not true. Still struggling with the fact that I can't be everything everyone wants. Tonight, driving home, I got into a big fight with someone really important to me and lost them forever. I just want to jump off of a building right now. I am really hoping that this writing thing helps me get over it. Maybe find some sort of closure through the words on my screen? I'm starting to think it may be too late for me. It may be too late for me to move on through this depression. Maybe Ive been dwelling in this state of self-loathing for so long that I'm stuck there. Sometimes you use someone as a crutch. An emotional crutch .You lean on them, and you depend on them to help you get to the next point in your life. Sometimes without that crutch you can't heal properly. Sometimes you just use them out of fear of facing the real world without them. I cant pretend I dont care when I'm forgotten, when I'm cast aside like a leper, when I realize that I'm nothing special to anyone. I could jump off of a bridge and at the end of the day the only people who would remember me a week from now are my family, and maybe the people at school. And I only say them because my name would stay on the attendance roster for the next couple weeks. I keep searching for something to live for. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be different. That when I wake up I wont hate myself. Maybe I should see a shrink. Get some drugs. Something. I can't take this constant emptiness. Maybe one day I'll be able to write this blog about how happy I am. Don't hold your breath though, guys.
I have a question for you. Have you ever cried so hard that you forget how to breathe, that you cant feel anything anymore except the warmth of the tears, that you think the emptiness will go away but it just gets bigger because the tears were the only thing filling it? If you have then you might understand where I am. I don't expect sympathy anymore. To feel sympathetic for someone you have to care about them and their situation. I have stopped deluding myself into believing that people care about me. Another day, another casualty of life, another obituary to print, another sad young girl who gives up. Just another one of the bunch.
I dont know what else to say tonight. Sorry for the depressing tone. And once again, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3