April 3rd, 2011.

So I'm on a quest. One to add some sort of value to this thing I'm calling life. My life to be more specific. I've tried volunteering, I've tried just living in the moment, I can't seem to find something that will actually make people remember me when I'm gone. I've had one person tell me to "look to the Lord." Apparently, this Lord fella will help me be remembered. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get in contact with him to set up a meeting. Maybe he'll get back to me soon. Another individual advised just doing things that I find fun. Well, the things I find fun aren't always free and money is something I have none of. I'm living in an apartment with my dad and brother and I still can't afford to live. Recently losing my job proved at first to be troubling. Then it was a relief. Finally I wasn't working somewhere that made me miserable. I wasn't coming home everyday wishing I hadn't waken up that morning. I could focus on school. That feeling didn't last long. I have no money, I'm depressed because I see people in my life having a great time and I can't afford to go out with them. I'm fighting with people I don't want to fight with, and every night I go to bed hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. I hope that if for some cruel reason the Universe decides that I should live another day, that just maybe it might mean something to someone. So far, no luck. I've lived every day this past week wishing I could just do one thing right. Just once I could make a difference in someone's life. If I could just reach out to one person, one individual, I would be completely content with my life. I haven't. And I probably won't. I have had people tell me that I have made a difference in their life, people have said "you make me laugh", "you always put a smile on my face", "you're so fun!" But, its not something no one else could have done for them. Plus, aren't those phrases just cop-outs for when you want the person to shut up about their problems? In my opinion, yes. You say them in hopes your pal will catch on and stop complaining. So I have. At least, to their faces. This is my way of complaining to a world that doesn't care. But ya know what? I don't care if they care anymore. Maybe thats one step toward recovery. Maybe its one step toward total insanity. Either way, I'll be happy. One way, I'll be genuinely happy, to the core, which would be nice. But, the other way I'll just be completely oblivious to the fact that I'm utterly miserable. That's fine with me too.
Back to the quest at hand. I vow that by the end of the month of April, I will have found something that adds some meaning to my life. Some sort of value. Something that if I was gone, people will remember me by. I might not write you every day anymore, but don't think I'm not thinking about you. I am. I will always be thinking about what I'm going to say to you next, what you think of me, and if you even exist. To the imaginary few who are reading this, know that even though I may never know who you are, see you, talk to you, even know you exist, I love you. And I will for a very long time.
Love
Jenny-Lynn <3