First off, this whole being obsessed with love thing. I really don't understand it. Trying to get me to talk about it or giving me advice, it won't work. I'm not normal. I don't know how else to say this. I have a fixation on falling in love and meeting the right guy. Trust me, I know it's a problem. But, it's not one that I'm really willing to solve. "Jenny, why are you crying over something you can't control?" "Jenny, he's not worth all this." I don't think that people understand why I cry when I dump someone/get dumped. It's not usually over that guy. It's usually because when I'm in a relationship, I throw everything I have into it. I put in 110% and I fall quickly. And I usually convince myself that this one could be happily ever after.
*This is the part where I tell you that most people tell me not to take every relationship so seriously, to just let them grow naturally and see where they go. But, that's not who I am. So...shut up.*
And when it's not happily ever after, I am devastated. I tell myself that I'm stupid for thinking that this guy could have been the one.
I had someone tell me that I should start making a list of what I want in my next relationship. Maybe look back to why the other ones failed and make a list of things that I want the next guy to have. Maybe qualities I want them to possess or things I want to be able to do with them. I might try that. But, that might not be something I show you guys.
The next thing on my mind is school. I have this huge paper due tomorrow and I had it almost finished and it got deleted from my computer. If you knew how pissed I was .... holy crap. I thought someone was going to die. Not that I was going to kill them just that you know, my fury would just kill someone out of it's own volition. So, now I have to redo the entire thing. Grr. And I have work tomorrow morning. Should be a good time.
I know there are people out there that care about me. And I know that there are people out there that only see the good in me and the awesome parts of me. But, these people are not the people who are going to fall in love with me, sweep me off my feet, and let me live happily ever after with them. And so far, the people who have fallen in love with me, aren't exactly the people that I have fallen in love with back. I don't know if it's because they fell in love with me or if it's because they're just not the guy for me. Maybe I'm being too picky. Which is actually quite new for me. Usually I just go with whatever guy is showing me attention at that point. This time I'm actually putting in time and work for each person to get to know them and figure out if we're compatible for a long term relationship. Hopefully this saves me from getting hurt later on.
Something I've realized about myself, I've always thought I was a kind of shallow person. I always thought that the guy I married was going to be this extremely hot guy. But, I'm starting to get so fed up with the pretty boy types. The guys with the muscles and the pretty faces. I just am not interested in them. They start talking to me and they have nothing to say. It's just so annoying. Lately, the guys I've been more attracted to are the smart/funny ones. Which makes me extremely happy, actually. It's weird, though. Celebrity crushes like Colin Egglesfield have just fallen away. He just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I want something real. Something deeper than that gorgeous face of his. Sure, he's good looking, but in reality he's probably kind of a douche who only dates super model chicks anyway. I want a nerd boyfriend. A real one. Not the ones who have become "cool." I hate those guys.
"Yeah bro, I got this totally awesome Super Mario Bros. t-shirt to show off how hip and nerdy I am. Look, non-prescription large rimmed glasses. I'm so cool."
No. A real nerd. One that can watch Red Vs. Blue with me. One that can watch Toy Story with me and point out the Star Wars references. One that can keep up in a Star Wars conversation. I want a real nerd.
Oh and by the way guys, there is nothing wrong with a girl being a nerd. There is nothing wrong with a girl rocking a Star Wars shirt instead of a sundress. There's nothing wrong with me being a little brash or abrasive. It just means we don't pretend to be perfect. We don't go get our nails done every week, or go shopping on the weekends, or doll ourselves up just to go get the mail. Yeah, I'm perfectly comfortable in my sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt, and yes, I will go out like this. There's nothing wrong with me being a little bit of a tomboy instead of your little miss priss girly girl fantasy. I have a brain and I can use it to not become what every other girl is. Yeah, I cuss like a sailor. Yeah, my favorite word would probably make you cringe. I'm not a Barbie. But, there is nothing wrong with me. I just take a little getting used to.
I love you guys so much for sticking with me through everything. I miss you already.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3
My hair's a wreck. Mascara runs. My feet get dirty and my skin burns in the sun. My lips, they bleed. But I still sing my songs. Takes me a minute to admit it when I'm wrong. Pretty is as pretty does but pretty's not my thing...
This is what you get. This is who I am. Take me now or leave me, anyway you can. Sometimes I trip and fall, but I know where I stand. And if you're thinking about changing my direction, don't mess with imperfection.
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