Your heaven's trying everything to break me down.

It has been 5 months since I last did an entry in this blog.
Let's start this out with some simple information.
I moved from the east coast to the mid-west. I am married now. To a wonderful man. I'm making new friends, blahblahblah.

The real reason I write in this blog is to remind myself that I have places to vent. That it's okay that I feel sad right now because I'll get through it. And today is no different. The fact is, there isn't anyone that reads this, but I can't figure out where else to write this crap. So here we go.

You know how people say, "Bleh, I hate myself." And what a lot of them really mean is that they don't like a certain aspect of themselves? It's gotten to be a phrase so often said that no one actually listens when someone says it anymore. They listen a little bit, long enough for it to be polite for them tell you about their problems. But, they don't care. The fact is, when I say I hate myself, I mean it. I loathe every aspect of myself. I seem to push people away somehow. People who I thought were friends of mine, who I thought would be there for me, who I thought wanted me around. I start noticing that they don't. They talk to me less and less until they can just disappear out of my life and they think, "Who cares? It's just one person, she's got tons more friends." The thing, I don't. And every single person who has decided last minute to just disappear...it affects me. Deeply, it does.
Fuck this, I'm tired of being all mature and whatever about it...
I fucking hate myself. I look at every fucking thing about myself and I think, "Why the fuck do I exist?" What do I do for the world around me? What the fuck do I contribute to anyone I know? I'm worthless. I'm useless. And I'm just fucking tired of being that. And yeah I know there are people that might say, "just change." Do you think that if it was that fucking easy I wouldn't have done it by now? Jesus fucking christ. I'm so fucking tired of crying to myself about who I am, and who I'm not. I'm tired of smiling and pretending that I'm fucking okay. People around me, they tell me their problems and I hear them. I just listen. When was the last time one of you decided to ask me if I was okay? Huh? Exactly. You just talk. You don't fucking listen. It doesn't matter what I do, I just don't like me...