March 31, 2011.

So yesterday's blog was a little difficult for me to write. I'm not used to sharing personal information with people I know, let alone the internet abyss where I have no idea who is reading this. I guess let's start today with where I am mentally. I wore a bunch of makeup and I felt pretty good about myself for a while. But, of course, because of who I am and where I am emotionally, the fun never lasts.

Somehow, I always find a way to make myself miserable. I hate it. For instance, today I tried to go out with Josh* and when I found out the one place I wanted to go didn't accept credit cards (Josh's only means of currency at this point) I got genuinely upset. It wasn't his fault but I got really upset. I was able to calm myself down and apologize but it still put a huge damper on the day. 

Last night, at school, I was listening to the lecture portion of the class, and the teacher doing it said something that I never realized would have annoyed me. She said, "Don't be a statistic..." and then went on with what her point. Unfortunately, that phrase irritated me more than anything else she said. And she said some pretty ridiculous things. For example, "Have you ever been to Greece? It's warmer than Europe." Excuse me, ma'am, Greece is part of Europe. Anyway, what annoyed me about her telling the class not to be a statistic was no matter what you do, you will always be a statistic. If you become a teen mom, you are a statistic, if not, you're still a statistic. You're just the other side of the statistic. If 2 in 4 teens become parents, and you don't, you're just part of the 1/2 of the population that doesn't. I don't know why that frustrated me so much, but it did. 

Ok, on to the next topic. I heard a quote last night that I really like, as opposed to having it annoy the crap out of me. "Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its pupils." According to the person I heard it from it was an anonymous quote, but thanks to Google, I have discovered a man named Hector Berlioz is accredited with this quote. 

I got to hang out with a great friend of mine last night as well. One of our stops was to the McDonald's drive-thru where we were greeted with, and I quote, "You wanna try a muthafuckin chocolate shake?" Followed immediately, IMMEDIATELY, by "You gonna order?" My friend and I sat there, shocked, for a couple of seconds. Laughing a little, my friend continued to ask the woman, "Do you guys have a late night menu or is the entire menu available?" It just stayed silent. "Ok, can I get a number 8 with extra pickles?" .....silence....I don't think either of us have ever laughed that hard. We agreed that the appropriate response was probably anger but we couldn't stop laughing long enough to try it. 

Let's get to the personal section. Today's self-esteem levels are a little higher than yesterday, which scares me. That usually means, in my world, that it will get higher and higher until it just crashes into a million different shards of self-pity. I guess there's really not that much to write about today, so I'm going to go ahead and sign off. 

Love, 

Jenny-Lynn. <3

March 30, 2011.

It is officially the 30th of March, as of 2 and a half hours ago. I'm sitting awake, on my computer, trying to tell myself to sleep. To turn off the music, lay down and just relax. Somehow, I can't do it. I'm doing this whole blog thing in hopes that it will help me with my emotional and mental issues. I have plenty of those. So this is pretty much something that's for me. If you read this, and you enjoy it, then good. If not, thats ok too. This isnt for you.
Pretty much, my life is in shambles around me. Everything came crashing down around me not too long ago. My self-esteem took a plunge, everything was wrong. I watched silently as everyone around me messed with me in the worst ways. I cried every night to my dog and hoped that one day every Disney movie about talking dogs would come true. I hoped that All Dogs Go To Heaven would happen in my bedroom and my dog would just start talking and telling me how to get my life together. Of course, I didnt want her to die, but I wanted the benefits of the dog angel. It never happened. I had to pick myself up and try to reconcile my life. I made new friends, got rid of old...very old...friends. Old meaning, we had been friends for a long time, not a 90 year old that I just hung around with.
I'm 20 years old. Why am I letting my life get so bad so quickly? I started school. I am now proudly attending school to be a Licensed Massage Therapist. I left my job at a bakery and instantly my life was less stressful. The people you deal with on a daily basis when working in the food industry are ridiculous. The managers, the employees, the customers. Sometimes its hard to realize you're not actually as sane as you think. Think about it, you're sitting there complaining about everyone around you. What do you think they're saying about you when they go home?
I've been working quite a bit to better my life. The only problem is, I still hate everything about me. I look in the mirror and want to physically harm the innocent piece of reflective glass. Its only an inanimate object, but its showing me the one thing in this world I can't handle seeing, me. I see the spotty face, the chipped tooth, the pudge, the chest that isnt quite large enough, the cellulite on my thighs, the scars on my knees, my oversized feet. I've had many people tell me on a regular basis, "What are you talking about? You're so pretty. You have this endearing appearance. Its got charm." I dont want charm. I want to make people turn their heads. I want what people like Olivia Munn, Megan Fox, Audrey Hepburn (minus the being dead part), and Jennifer Aniston have. I want people to look at me and just .... just go "wow".
I'm a hopeless romantic. Is it hopeless or helpless? Whatever, I'm both. I want a guy to tell me that my eyes level him. I want someone to tell me that seeing me smile across the room stops his heart. I want to be swept off my feet, wooed, courted. I want someone who wants to put the time in. And by "time" I do not mean "penis". Let me just clear that up now. I know plenty of guys who say things for about a week to see how far they can get. When they dont get anywhere, they run with their ... errm...tail...between their legs.
As Audrey said, "There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain." I believe thats true. About most people. I love seeing people happy, in love. It shows me it can be done. People laugh at me because I want to marry someone but I dont believe in love at first sight. And I want to one day find someone who completes me, but I rarely let people get close enough to really know me. Thats just it, I want a guy to go past that and work to get past that barrier. To learn what I like, what I hate, how I like my eggs, how I like my coffee, my hot dog, my favorite colors for flowers, walls, crayons. I want them to find out that I hate pancakes and waffles and french toast and eggs, but I always want breakfast. I want them to know that as much as I hate orange juice, I have a constant urge to drink it when its a close vicinity to me. I do things that make no sense, I dance in super markets to the music they play. I sing all the time, even though I am terrible at singing.
I've given up a couple chances at the real thing. Lets call one of them Harvey. We were really close for a short period. I thought it was real but I chickened out and decided to run away. He might have been the only one who actually knew me pretty well. I was very real with him at all times, and he was the same with me. We had fun when we were together. A lot of fun.
Another we'll call Derek. Derek and I were engaged and together for 2 1/2 years. We were best friends for years before we dated. Then one day, in our shared apartment, we had a fight. A big one. And we ended it.
Yeah, thats me. Don't worry if you couldnt follow this. I dont think I could either. Its just my random thoughts on random things. Mainly I was just trying to vent about me a bit. I'll probably be doing this every day. Hopefully. Most of them will probably be pretty personal. So, you guys are going to get know me better than most people I've known for years. The few of you who actually care enough to read this, that is. =/
Signing over and out, Jenny-Lynn. <3