June 13, 2011.

It's been a couple days since I've written, and I apologize for that. I was not home all weekend, went out with Jonathan. :)
It was a great weekend. Went out for dinner, sat around watched tv with him, woke up next to him, went to the Italian Festival. Good times.
Then, I did something dumb and watched this stupid ass show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." One of the girls on there was told that she had ovarian cysts and wouldn't be able to conceive. Ever. But, then of course, she did. It just had me thinking. That infection that I went through, the near death experience, I was told that I would probably never have children. That sucked to hear. Especially when I think back to when I actually was pregnant and lost it. It's like a kick to the stomach every time. And to re-think about it...it kills me. I let it kind of fester inside of me most of the day, not wanting it to ruin anyone else's mood. But then, I couldn't hold it back anymore. When Jon took me home, I just let it out. I cried and cried and told him that if he didn't want to be with me anymore that I totally understood. Because, I mean, that's what guys are looking for...the woman to settle down with and have their kids. And here I am, probably unable to do that for him. He just held me and told me that nothing was going to make him think twice about me and that we would get over it.
Now, I actually have to get over it. Unfortunately, even at 20 years old, I know that I want kids someday. How does someone who has always wanted to be a mom cope with being told that that might never happen. And that its nothing she can fix. Sure, there are surrogates, there's adoption...but, its not the same. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby. I want to hold it after so many hours of labor. I want to be a mom. I don't want to have to explain to my son/daughter one day that they aren't ACTUALLY mine. That some other woman carried them for 9 months. I would never want my child to have to go through that.
I wrote this tonight because its something thats been eating away at me for a couple of hours now. I can't seem to shake it tonight...
That's all for tonight. I love you and I want to thank you for being there for me when I really need someone. Just knowing that maybe one person might be reading this, it helps. Truly. So, again, I love you. And I'll be writing again soon.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 10, 2011.

Hey everyone! Today has been quite interesting. Let's start it out with me going to bed at 3:30 in the morning. Then being awakened at 9 a.m. because my dog decided that was the optimal time to urinate. Walked my dog, but of course my brother made it nearly impossible to fall back asleep with the TV being on at full blast and him using his ringtone player as his own personal stereo. Meaning, he was playing all of his ring tones on a loop, like a CD. It was a drag. However, getting up early helped me to get the ball rolling on a couple things that needed to get done today. Then, I did some stuff around the house, cleaning, that sort of boring thing.
Finally, school time. Went to school, learned some stuff, got to tell off a fellow student, fun times.
I got to see Jonathan tonight! Even though it was only for like forty five minutes, I was just happy to see him. We got to have a really long talk about his ex and the stupid drama going on and we finally compromised and we're better than ever.
When I finally got home, I made amends with a long-time ... enemy? See, he wasn't an enemy, just someone that I really didn't get along with for a lot of different reasons. Mostly because of the circumstances of our meeting. I got to put all that in the past and move forward with a clean slate. It feels really good to just let go of all that hate and negativity and to replace it with a positive light. =]
On another note, my dog is a genius. She's learned how to unplug my fan because she doesn't like the noise it makes. I thought maybe it was an accident or something but, no. I just watched her pull the plug out of the wall with her paw and mouth. It was insane.
That's all for tonight guys. =]
Always remember that I love and cherish you with all my heart. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn.

June 8, 2011.

Sort of a sporadic blog, this is. Sorry about the latest long hiatus from writing. Some things you might want to know. I was in a relationship for a bit there, with a fellow named Oliver. I thought he was hot. Other than he was completely dull. He had no life, no ambitions, hated everything and everyone, treated me like crap because it made him feel better. And worst of all, admitted to wanting a brainless, gullible, naive girl with the lowest of self-esteems who fawned over his every move no matter how much of a dick he was to her. Sadly, I can't honestly tell you that I left him after he admitted that. I laughed a bit and said, "and yet you're dating me." However, on a high note, the relationship was terminated. Of course now he's telling people that I'm crazy and fat. But, hey. Whatever help you sleep at night, Oliver. =]
After we broke up, I started getting really down on myself. You know the whole, "am I good enough?" "who could love me?" type deals. And I decided to check up on a dating website that I had made months prior. Crazy enough, after a week or so of checking messages, talking to a couple of people, I met this guy. His name is Jonathan. We went out on a spur of the moment "date" to Wal*Mart. Then to McDonalds for a frozen strawberry lemonade. At midnight, by the way. We talked for hours, fell asleep, and when I woke up...there he was. We started hanging out more and then, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
This man is gorgeous. He's got these great blue eyes that show his every emotion. He has a great body. He's funny, and charming. He treats me like a freaking goddess. His sole purpose is to make me happy. That's all this boy does. He's 24, works at a bank, graduated with a 2 year degree in some sort of computer studies, and he plans on going back to get his 4 year degree. He has everything. He's perfect.
I'm in love. For real this time.
He lifts me up whenever I feel like I'm plummeting.
I'm just ... very happy.
I'm still in school for Massage Therapy. Which I love. I'm starting a work-out regimen to get myself to where I want to be. I have a life now! I mean, just this past weekend I went out to dinner, saw a movie, went to a metal concert, and went to the mall. And this weekend I might be going to Six Flags! Which would be awesome. I sincerely just love my life. And I'm very excited to be able to share this with you guys. =]
And of course, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3

April 10, 2011

I'm tired of people telling me what to think, how to think it, when to think it. It's irritating. Well, guess what? All of the people who wanted me to believe I wasn't good enough, you're going to have a hard time saving face when all of you are watching me climb to the top. Kiss it hard fuckheads.


I love you guys!
Jenny-Lynn


(Sorry it was short, not much to talk about, thought I'd get this off my chest.)

April 3rd, 2011.

So I'm on a quest. One to add some sort of value to this thing I'm calling life. My life to be more specific. I've tried volunteering, I've tried just living in the moment, I can't seem to find something that will actually make people remember me when I'm gone. I've had one person tell me to "look to the Lord." Apparently, this Lord fella will help me be remembered. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get in contact with him to set up a meeting. Maybe he'll get back to me soon. Another individual advised just doing things that I find fun. Well, the things I find fun aren't always free and money is something I have none of. I'm living in an apartment with my dad and brother and I still can't afford to live. Recently losing my job proved at first to be troubling. Then it was a relief. Finally I wasn't working somewhere that made me miserable. I wasn't coming home everyday wishing I hadn't waken up that morning. I could focus on school. That feeling didn't last long. I have no money, I'm depressed because I see people in my life having a great time and I can't afford to go out with them. I'm fighting with people I don't want to fight with, and every night I go to bed hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. I hope that if for some cruel reason the Universe decides that I should live another day, that just maybe it might mean something to someone. So far, no luck. I've lived every day this past week wishing I could just do one thing right. Just once I could make a difference in someone's life. If I could just reach out to one person, one individual, I would be completely content with my life. I haven't. And I probably won't. I have had people tell me that I have made a difference in their life, people have said "you make me laugh", "you always put a smile on my face", "you're so fun!" But, its not something no one else could have done for them. Plus, aren't those phrases just cop-outs for when you want the person to shut up about their problems? In my opinion, yes. You say them in hopes your pal will catch on and stop complaining. So I have. At least, to their faces. This is my way of complaining to a world that doesn't care. But ya know what? I don't care if they care anymore. Maybe thats one step toward recovery. Maybe its one step toward total insanity. Either way, I'll be happy. One way, I'll be genuinely happy, to the core, which would be nice. But, the other way I'll just be completely oblivious to the fact that I'm utterly miserable. That's fine with me too.
Back to the quest at hand. I vow that by the end of the month of April, I will have found something that adds some meaning to my life. Some sort of value. Something that if I was gone, people will remember me by. I might not write you every day anymore, but don't think I'm not thinking about you. I am. I will always be thinking about what I'm going to say to you next, what you think of me, and if you even exist. To the imaginary few who are reading this, know that even though I may never know who you are, see you, talk to you, even know you exist, I love you. And I will for a very long time.
Love
Jenny-Lynn <3

March 31, 2011.

So yesterday's blog was a little difficult for me to write. I'm not used to sharing personal information with people I know, let alone the internet abyss where I have no idea who is reading this. I guess let's start today with where I am mentally. I wore a bunch of makeup and I felt pretty good about myself for a while. But, of course, because of who I am and where I am emotionally, the fun never lasts.

Somehow, I always find a way to make myself miserable. I hate it. For instance, today I tried to go out with Josh* and when I found out the one place I wanted to go didn't accept credit cards (Josh's only means of currency at this point) I got genuinely upset. It wasn't his fault but I got really upset. I was able to calm myself down and apologize but it still put a huge damper on the day. 

Last night, at school, I was listening to the lecture portion of the class, and the teacher doing it said something that I never realized would have annoyed me. She said, "Don't be a statistic..." and then went on with what her point. Unfortunately, that phrase irritated me more than anything else she said. And she said some pretty ridiculous things. For example, "Have you ever been to Greece? It's warmer than Europe." Excuse me, ma'am, Greece is part of Europe. Anyway, what annoyed me about her telling the class not to be a statistic was no matter what you do, you will always be a statistic. If you become a teen mom, you are a statistic, if not, you're still a statistic. You're just the other side of the statistic. If 2 in 4 teens become parents, and you don't, you're just part of the 1/2 of the population that doesn't. I don't know why that frustrated me so much, but it did. 

Ok, on to the next topic. I heard a quote last night that I really like, as opposed to having it annoy the crap out of me. "Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its pupils." According to the person I heard it from it was an anonymous quote, but thanks to Google, I have discovered a man named Hector Berlioz is accredited with this quote. 

I got to hang out with a great friend of mine last night as well. One of our stops was to the McDonald's drive-thru where we were greeted with, and I quote, "You wanna try a muthafuckin chocolate shake?" Followed immediately, IMMEDIATELY, by "You gonna order?" My friend and I sat there, shocked, for a couple of seconds. Laughing a little, my friend continued to ask the woman, "Do you guys have a late night menu or is the entire menu available?" It just stayed silent. "Ok, can I get a number 8 with extra pickles?" .....silence....I don't think either of us have ever laughed that hard. We agreed that the appropriate response was probably anger but we couldn't stop laughing long enough to try it. 

Let's get to the personal section. Today's self-esteem levels are a little higher than yesterday, which scares me. That usually means, in my world, that it will get higher and higher until it just crashes into a million different shards of self-pity. I guess there's really not that much to write about today, so I'm going to go ahead and sign off. 

Love, 

Jenny-Lynn. <3

March 30, 2011.

It is officially the 30th of March, as of 2 and a half hours ago. I'm sitting awake, on my computer, trying to tell myself to sleep. To turn off the music, lay down and just relax. Somehow, I can't do it. I'm doing this whole blog thing in hopes that it will help me with my emotional and mental issues. I have plenty of those. So this is pretty much something that's for me. If you read this, and you enjoy it, then good. If not, thats ok too. This isnt for you.
Pretty much, my life is in shambles around me. Everything came crashing down around me not too long ago. My self-esteem took a plunge, everything was wrong. I watched silently as everyone around me messed with me in the worst ways. I cried every night to my dog and hoped that one day every Disney movie about talking dogs would come true. I hoped that All Dogs Go To Heaven would happen in my bedroom and my dog would just start talking and telling me how to get my life together. Of course, I didnt want her to die, but I wanted the benefits of the dog angel. It never happened. I had to pick myself up and try to reconcile my life. I made new friends, got rid of old...very old...friends. Old meaning, we had been friends for a long time, not a 90 year old that I just hung around with.
I'm 20 years old. Why am I letting my life get so bad so quickly? I started school. I am now proudly attending school to be a Licensed Massage Therapist. I left my job at a bakery and instantly my life was less stressful. The people you deal with on a daily basis when working in the food industry are ridiculous. The managers, the employees, the customers. Sometimes its hard to realize you're not actually as sane as you think. Think about it, you're sitting there complaining about everyone around you. What do you think they're saying about you when they go home?
I've been working quite a bit to better my life. The only problem is, I still hate everything about me. I look in the mirror and want to physically harm the innocent piece of reflective glass. Its only an inanimate object, but its showing me the one thing in this world I can't handle seeing, me. I see the spotty face, the chipped tooth, the pudge, the chest that isnt quite large enough, the cellulite on my thighs, the scars on my knees, my oversized feet. I've had many people tell me on a regular basis, "What are you talking about? You're so pretty. You have this endearing appearance. Its got charm." I dont want charm. I want to make people turn their heads. I want what people like Olivia Munn, Megan Fox, Audrey Hepburn (minus the being dead part), and Jennifer Aniston have. I want people to look at me and just .... just go "wow".
I'm a hopeless romantic. Is it hopeless or helpless? Whatever, I'm both. I want a guy to tell me that my eyes level him. I want someone to tell me that seeing me smile across the room stops his heart. I want to be swept off my feet, wooed, courted. I want someone who wants to put the time in. And by "time" I do not mean "penis". Let me just clear that up now. I know plenty of guys who say things for about a week to see how far they can get. When they dont get anywhere, they run with their ... errm...tail...between their legs.
As Audrey said, "There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain." I believe thats true. About most people. I love seeing people happy, in love. It shows me it can be done. People laugh at me because I want to marry someone but I dont believe in love at first sight. And I want to one day find someone who completes me, but I rarely let people get close enough to really know me. Thats just it, I want a guy to go past that and work to get past that barrier. To learn what I like, what I hate, how I like my eggs, how I like my coffee, my hot dog, my favorite colors for flowers, walls, crayons. I want them to find out that I hate pancakes and waffles and french toast and eggs, but I always want breakfast. I want them to know that as much as I hate orange juice, I have a constant urge to drink it when its a close vicinity to me. I do things that make no sense, I dance in super markets to the music they play. I sing all the time, even though I am terrible at singing.
I've given up a couple chances at the real thing. Lets call one of them Harvey. We were really close for a short period. I thought it was real but I chickened out and decided to run away. He might have been the only one who actually knew me pretty well. I was very real with him at all times, and he was the same with me. We had fun when we were together. A lot of fun.
Another we'll call Derek. Derek and I were engaged and together for 2 1/2 years. We were best friends for years before we dated. Then one day, in our shared apartment, we had a fight. A big one. And we ended it.
Yeah, thats me. Don't worry if you couldnt follow this. I dont think I could either. Its just my random thoughts on random things. Mainly I was just trying to vent about me a bit. I'll probably be doing this every day. Hopefully. Most of them will probably be pretty personal. So, you guys are going to get know me better than most people I've known for years. The few of you who actually care enough to read this, that is. =/
Signing over and out, Jenny-Lynn. <3