June 8, 2011.

Sort of a sporadic blog, this is. Sorry about the latest long hiatus from writing. Some things you might want to know. I was in a relationship for a bit there, with a fellow named Oliver. I thought he was hot. Other than he was completely dull. He had no life, no ambitions, hated everything and everyone, treated me like crap because it made him feel better. And worst of all, admitted to wanting a brainless, gullible, naive girl with the lowest of self-esteems who fawned over his every move no matter how much of a dick he was to her. Sadly, I can't honestly tell you that I left him after he admitted that. I laughed a bit and said, "and yet you're dating me." However, on a high note, the relationship was terminated. Of course now he's telling people that I'm crazy and fat. But, hey. Whatever help you sleep at night, Oliver. =]
After we broke up, I started getting really down on myself. You know the whole, "am I good enough?" "who could love me?" type deals. And I decided to check up on a dating website that I had made months prior. Crazy enough, after a week or so of checking messages, talking to a couple of people, I met this guy. His name is Jonathan. We went out on a spur of the moment "date" to Wal*Mart. Then to McDonalds for a frozen strawberry lemonade. At midnight, by the way. We talked for hours, fell asleep, and when I woke up...there he was. We started hanging out more and then, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
This man is gorgeous. He's got these great blue eyes that show his every emotion. He has a great body. He's funny, and charming. He treats me like a freaking goddess. His sole purpose is to make me happy. That's all this boy does. He's 24, works at a bank, graduated with a 2 year degree in some sort of computer studies, and he plans on going back to get his 4 year degree. He has everything. He's perfect.
I'm in love. For real this time.
He lifts me up whenever I feel like I'm plummeting.
I'm just ... very happy.
I'm still in school for Massage Therapy. Which I love. I'm starting a work-out regimen to get myself to where I want to be. I have a life now! I mean, just this past weekend I went out to dinner, saw a movie, went to a metal concert, and went to the mall. And this weekend I might be going to Six Flags! Which would be awesome. I sincerely just love my life. And I'm very excited to be able to share this with you guys. =]
And of course, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3

April 3rd, 2011.

So I'm on a quest. One to add some sort of value to this thing I'm calling life. My life to be more specific. I've tried volunteering, I've tried just living in the moment, I can't seem to find something that will actually make people remember me when I'm gone. I've had one person tell me to "look to the Lord." Apparently, this Lord fella will help me be remembered. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get in contact with him to set up a meeting. Maybe he'll get back to me soon. Another individual advised just doing things that I find fun. Well, the things I find fun aren't always free and money is something I have none of. I'm living in an apartment with my dad and brother and I still can't afford to live. Recently losing my job proved at first to be troubling. Then it was a relief. Finally I wasn't working somewhere that made me miserable. I wasn't coming home everyday wishing I hadn't waken up that morning. I could focus on school. That feeling didn't last long. I have no money, I'm depressed because I see people in my life having a great time and I can't afford to go out with them. I'm fighting with people I don't want to fight with, and every night I go to bed hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. I hope that if for some cruel reason the Universe decides that I should live another day, that just maybe it might mean something to someone. So far, no luck. I've lived every day this past week wishing I could just do one thing right. Just once I could make a difference in someone's life. If I could just reach out to one person, one individual, I would be completely content with my life. I haven't. And I probably won't. I have had people tell me that I have made a difference in their life, people have said "you make me laugh", "you always put a smile on my face", "you're so fun!" But, its not something no one else could have done for them. Plus, aren't those phrases just cop-outs for when you want the person to shut up about their problems? In my opinion, yes. You say them in hopes your pal will catch on and stop complaining. So I have. At least, to their faces. This is my way of complaining to a world that doesn't care. But ya know what? I don't care if they care anymore. Maybe thats one step toward recovery. Maybe its one step toward total insanity. Either way, I'll be happy. One way, I'll be genuinely happy, to the core, which would be nice. But, the other way I'll just be completely oblivious to the fact that I'm utterly miserable. That's fine with me too.
Back to the quest at hand. I vow that by the end of the month of April, I will have found something that adds some meaning to my life. Some sort of value. Something that if I was gone, people will remember me by. I might not write you every day anymore, but don't think I'm not thinking about you. I am. I will always be thinking about what I'm going to say to you next, what you think of me, and if you even exist. To the imaginary few who are reading this, know that even though I may never know who you are, see you, talk to you, even know you exist, I love you. And I will for a very long time.
Love
Jenny-Lynn <3

March 31, 2011.

So yesterday's blog was a little difficult for me to write. I'm not used to sharing personal information with people I know, let alone the internet abyss where I have no idea who is reading this. I guess let's start today with where I am mentally. I wore a bunch of makeup and I felt pretty good about myself for a while. But, of course, because of who I am and where I am emotionally, the fun never lasts.

Somehow, I always find a way to make myself miserable. I hate it. For instance, today I tried to go out with Josh* and when I found out the one place I wanted to go didn't accept credit cards (Josh's only means of currency at this point) I got genuinely upset. It wasn't his fault but I got really upset. I was able to calm myself down and apologize but it still put a huge damper on the day. 

Last night, at school, I was listening to the lecture portion of the class, and the teacher doing it said something that I never realized would have annoyed me. She said, "Don't be a statistic..." and then went on with what her point. Unfortunately, that phrase irritated me more than anything else she said. And she said some pretty ridiculous things. For example, "Have you ever been to Greece? It's warmer than Europe." Excuse me, ma'am, Greece is part of Europe. Anyway, what annoyed me about her telling the class not to be a statistic was no matter what you do, you will always be a statistic. If you become a teen mom, you are a statistic, if not, you're still a statistic. You're just the other side of the statistic. If 2 in 4 teens become parents, and you don't, you're just part of the 1/2 of the population that doesn't. I don't know why that frustrated me so much, but it did. 

Ok, on to the next topic. I heard a quote last night that I really like, as opposed to having it annoy the crap out of me. "Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its pupils." According to the person I heard it from it was an anonymous quote, but thanks to Google, I have discovered a man named Hector Berlioz is accredited with this quote. 

I got to hang out with a great friend of mine last night as well. One of our stops was to the McDonald's drive-thru where we were greeted with, and I quote, "You wanna try a muthafuckin chocolate shake?" Followed immediately, IMMEDIATELY, by "You gonna order?" My friend and I sat there, shocked, for a couple of seconds. Laughing a little, my friend continued to ask the woman, "Do you guys have a late night menu or is the entire menu available?" It just stayed silent. "Ok, can I get a number 8 with extra pickles?" .....silence....I don't think either of us have ever laughed that hard. We agreed that the appropriate response was probably anger but we couldn't stop laughing long enough to try it. 

Let's get to the personal section. Today's self-esteem levels are a little higher than yesterday, which scares me. That usually means, in my world, that it will get higher and higher until it just crashes into a million different shards of self-pity. I guess there's really not that much to write about today, so I'm going to go ahead and sign off. 

Love, 

Jenny-Lynn. <3