April 15, 2011.

Hey! I am so sorry its been so long that I've written you guys! I still love you! I just hadn't had a lot to talk about lately. Let's see, I left the dude who was making me feel like I was less than amazing. Because, guess what? I'm back, bitches. I'm having the time of my freaking life right now. I'm not quite over the depression, I still have gnawing thoughts in the back of my mind like, "You're still not good enough." "You gave up the one man who will ever love you." But honestly, he didnt love me. If he loved me he would have done everything and anything to make me realize that. Oh man, I dont know what else to say. I'm on my way out to  a friends party. I guess I'll talk to you guys later. =]

I love you!
Jenny-Lynn <3

April 10, 2011

I'm tired of people telling me what to think, how to think it, when to think it. It's irritating. Well, guess what? All of the people who wanted me to believe I wasn't good enough, you're going to have a hard time saving face when all of you are watching me climb to the top. Kiss it hard fuckheads.


I love you guys!
Jenny-Lynn


(Sorry it was short, not much to talk about, thought I'd get this off my chest.)

April 7, 2011.

So I've decided that today is going to be happy. Well, I have decided that I will listen to a special someone and make one that isn't so depressing and "makes me want to kill myself." I have accepted that my emotions have taken over my life. That I no longer control them, they have started to control me and that my life has become unmanageable because of them. I feel like I've made a step towards bettering myself and my life.
Let's talk about today and a little about last night. I'm only going to talk a bit about last night. Those of you who read the post last night know that I was in a ... not so fantastic place. But when am I ever, right?On a serious note though, last night was really bad. I lost someone really important to me and I thought I would never see them again and that I had ruined everything with them because of my depression. They told me that I needed to get my self and my life together before they would even speak to me again. He was right though. I do need to get myself and my life together. And he had every right to walk away from me. He never should have had to deal with the emotional stress that came along with my problems. Now, on to the happiness!
Last night, I was really low and when he realized how low he decided that it was more important to help me than to worry about how he was being affected. That made me realize that maybe people actually do care about me and maybe I'm not so terrible of a person. So he came and picked me up. We went to Wal*Mart, sat in the parking lot, had a really great talk, went to Wawa, got some food, went back to my place, he spent the night (literally nothing happened, we just slept), spent all day together, then I went to school. I learned a whole bunch of new massage techniques, and got to work on a new body. It was amazing. Today has been a fantastic day. And I've decided to help myself  and to stop waiting for someone or something to come along and give me validation. I know a lot people out there reading this, if there are even a lot of people reading this, are thinking "so in about a week this girl has overcome a serious case of depression? bullshit." I'm nowhere near overcoming this. I am just helping myself to get over it. I'm taking the first step out of this. The first step out of twelve actually.
Step #1. Admit that one is powerless over his/her emotions - that their life has become unmanageable.
Done. Check. Fin. Only 11 more to go.
I wish I knew who you were. Maybe leave me some comments or something?
As always,
I love you.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

April 6, 2011.

I'm pretty sure this thing will say its only the 5th, but as of 13 minutes ago, thats not true. Still struggling with the fact that I can't be everything everyone wants. Tonight, driving home, I got into a big fight with someone really important to me and lost them forever. I just want to jump off of a building right now. I am really hoping that this writing thing helps me get over it. Maybe find some sort of closure through the words on my screen? I'm starting to think it may be too late for me. It may be too late for me to move on through this depression. Maybe Ive been dwelling in this state of self-loathing for so long that I'm stuck there. Sometimes you use someone as a crutch. An emotional crutch .You lean on them, and you depend on them to help you get to the next point in your life. Sometimes without that crutch you can't heal properly. Sometimes you just use them out of fear of facing the real world without them. I cant pretend I dont care when I'm forgotten, when I'm cast aside like a leper, when I realize that I'm nothing special to anyone. I could jump off of a bridge and at the end of the day the only people who would remember me a week from now are my family, and maybe the people at school. And I only say them because my name would stay on the attendance roster for the next couple weeks. I keep searching for something to live for. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be different. That when I wake up I wont hate myself. Maybe I should see a shrink. Get some drugs. Something. I can't take this constant emptiness. Maybe one day I'll be able to write this blog about how happy I am. Don't hold your breath though, guys.
I have a question for you. Have you ever cried so hard that you forget how to breathe, that you cant feel anything anymore except the warmth of the tears, that you think the emptiness will go away but it just gets bigger because the tears were the only thing filling it? If you have then you might understand where I am. I don't expect sympathy anymore. To feel sympathetic for someone you have to care about them and their situation. I have stopped deluding myself into believing that people care about me. Another day, another casualty of life, another obituary to print, another sad young girl who gives up. Just another one of the bunch.
I dont know what else to say tonight. Sorry for the depressing tone. And once again, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3

April 3rd, 2011.

So I'm on a quest. One to add some sort of value to this thing I'm calling life. My life to be more specific. I've tried volunteering, I've tried just living in the moment, I can't seem to find something that will actually make people remember me when I'm gone. I've had one person tell me to "look to the Lord." Apparently, this Lord fella will help me be remembered. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get in contact with him to set up a meeting. Maybe he'll get back to me soon. Another individual advised just doing things that I find fun. Well, the things I find fun aren't always free and money is something I have none of. I'm living in an apartment with my dad and brother and I still can't afford to live. Recently losing my job proved at first to be troubling. Then it was a relief. Finally I wasn't working somewhere that made me miserable. I wasn't coming home everyday wishing I hadn't waken up that morning. I could focus on school. That feeling didn't last long. I have no money, I'm depressed because I see people in my life having a great time and I can't afford to go out with them. I'm fighting with people I don't want to fight with, and every night I go to bed hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. I hope that if for some cruel reason the Universe decides that I should live another day, that just maybe it might mean something to someone. So far, no luck. I've lived every day this past week wishing I could just do one thing right. Just once I could make a difference in someone's life. If I could just reach out to one person, one individual, I would be completely content with my life. I haven't. And I probably won't. I have had people tell me that I have made a difference in their life, people have said "you make me laugh", "you always put a smile on my face", "you're so fun!" But, its not something no one else could have done for them. Plus, aren't those phrases just cop-outs for when you want the person to shut up about their problems? In my opinion, yes. You say them in hopes your pal will catch on and stop complaining. So I have. At least, to their faces. This is my way of complaining to a world that doesn't care. But ya know what? I don't care if they care anymore. Maybe thats one step toward recovery. Maybe its one step toward total insanity. Either way, I'll be happy. One way, I'll be genuinely happy, to the core, which would be nice. But, the other way I'll just be completely oblivious to the fact that I'm utterly miserable. That's fine with me too.
Back to the quest at hand. I vow that by the end of the month of April, I will have found something that adds some meaning to my life. Some sort of value. Something that if I was gone, people will remember me by. I might not write you every day anymore, but don't think I'm not thinking about you. I am. I will always be thinking about what I'm going to say to you next, what you think of me, and if you even exist. To the imaginary few who are reading this, know that even though I may never know who you are, see you, talk to you, even know you exist, I love you. And I will for a very long time.
Love
Jenny-Lynn <3

April Fools Day

It is April Fool's Day today. One of my least favorite days of the year. I am far too gullible and naive for the world to have a day when it is acceptable, no, encouraged for people to "pull one over on me." I've been tricked so many times over the years, I refuse to recant all or any of them. I'm usually a good sport about these things but in the end, it annoys me. Not that they are pulling the pranks but that I am still too gullible to recognize when this is happening. I mean, come on! How many times does someone have to say "You dropped your pocket." before I realize that looking down is a dumb idea. I say all of this to assure you that what I say next is in no way a prank or joke. I have decided after just 3 days of writing this blog that I can't do it. Not every day at least. Not that it matters,  no one reads this thing anyway. But I have decided to go ahead and put it in writing that I will only be writing every other day. Or if I have something pressing on my mind that I cant stop thinking about, consuming my thoughts, eating away at my soul. Ya know, that sort of thing.
Change has been officially announced and I shall see you all on Sunday or Monday.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3