June 23, 2011.

Hey all. I guess let's start with an apology. I know I keep waiting forever to write to you guys and lately when I have written it was just, blah. I haven't been opening up to you guys as much as I would like to. So, here we go.
The past couple days have been harder for me than they should have been. I hate that this is having to be written but, if I want to be honest with myself, it does. Jon left me.
The one guy that has made me so happy and showed me what it felt like to be 100% at the top of my world. And, he's gone. No one did anything wrong. No cheating, no lying, no screaming fights. He just didn't want this anymore. At least not for now. My friends are trying to be helpful but of course, they're not. They're saying things like:
"No offense, but I think he left you for another girl. This is just too weird."
"Oh well, he's a douchebag."
"You were only dating like, a month. Let it go."
To combat these remarks, I'd like to say this. First off, he didn't leave me for another girl. He left me because he doesn't know what he wants. He can't figure out if this awesome thing that was happening between us is as awesome as he'd like it to be. And if he was leaving me for another girl, hearing you say it doesn't help me. Believe it or not, it hits a spot way down deep that just makes it all worse. Second, he is not a douchebag. He is the sweetest, most caring, most amazing, funniest, greatest guy. He deserves to be happy more than anyone I have ever known. And if I'm not what or who is doing that for him, then I want him to go find who or what will. And lastly, to quote one of my newest friends, the heart can't tell how long it's been. It just knows what it feels and how strongly it feels it. When I met Jon, alarms went off, the light bulb came on, and I realized that is what I had been missing out on with all the other losers and low-lifes and cheaters and liars. I had been missing the person that makes me want to wake up in the morning and just be a better person. He is the one I want to lay down next to at night and wake up next to the next morning. He keeps me going through out the day. Even the bad days. He's the reason I just shrug off the little annoyances and just focus on the good in life. The reason I am saying "is" instead of "was" is simply because he still is that person. If there was one thing I could say to him right now it would be this...
Jon, you are an amazing man. You have a great sense of humor, you're sweet, you're honest, and have an overall kick ass personality. Not to mention, look at you. You're hot. And with all that being said, I hope you find what it is that is going to make you happy. I hope you can fill that emptiness inside of you and reignite the passion for life. I wish I could have been the one to do that for you, and maybe one day I will be. I'm glad to say I know you and I always will be. I miss you so much and I am constantly hoping that whatever you're doing, wherever you're doing it, and whomever you're doing it with, that you're happy. And I hope that you think about me and the brief yet amazing time we spent together. I love you just as much now, if not more, than I did when I first met you.

And for the rest of you out there in the blog world, I love you too. You're always there for me when I need you and you never nag at me to do more for you.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3

June 13, 2011.

It's been a couple days since I've written, and I apologize for that. I was not home all weekend, went out with Jonathan. :)
It was a great weekend. Went out for dinner, sat around watched tv with him, woke up next to him, went to the Italian Festival. Good times.
Then, I did something dumb and watched this stupid ass show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." One of the girls on there was told that she had ovarian cysts and wouldn't be able to conceive. Ever. But, then of course, she did. It just had me thinking. That infection that I went through, the near death experience, I was told that I would probably never have children. That sucked to hear. Especially when I think back to when I actually was pregnant and lost it. It's like a kick to the stomach every time. And to re-think about it...it kills me. I let it kind of fester inside of me most of the day, not wanting it to ruin anyone else's mood. But then, I couldn't hold it back anymore. When Jon took me home, I just let it out. I cried and cried and told him that if he didn't want to be with me anymore that I totally understood. Because, I mean, that's what guys are looking for...the woman to settle down with and have their kids. And here I am, probably unable to do that for him. He just held me and told me that nothing was going to make him think twice about me and that we would get over it.
Now, I actually have to get over it. Unfortunately, even at 20 years old, I know that I want kids someday. How does someone who has always wanted to be a mom cope with being told that that might never happen. And that its nothing she can fix. Sure, there are surrogates, there's adoption...but, its not the same. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby. I want to hold it after so many hours of labor. I want to be a mom. I don't want to have to explain to my son/daughter one day that they aren't ACTUALLY mine. That some other woman carried them for 9 months. I would never want my child to have to go through that.
I wrote this tonight because its something thats been eating away at me for a couple of hours now. I can't seem to shake it tonight...
That's all for tonight. I love you and I want to thank you for being there for me when I really need someone. Just knowing that maybe one person might be reading this, it helps. Truly. So, again, I love you. And I'll be writing again soon.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 9, 2011.

Hey everyone! Tonight is a very frustrating night. Let's start out with this. I waited almost an hour for my ride home from school tonight. By myself by the way, because no one in my class has the courtesy to sit there for a bit and wait with me. I'm sorry. Two people asked me if I wanted them to sit with me while I waited. Two people. Out of about 15. That's kind of ridiculous. But, whatever. It just shows that some people are genuinely good people and others aren't. And it shows which is which.
Then, I get home and my brother is taken to the Emergency Room because he was coughing so much he literally couldn't take a breath without coughing up a lung. So, that's happening.
Then, I look on Facebook and see that Jon has posted a couple things. And that his ex has commented on or liked literally EVERYTHING he has posted. It's just very ... annoying.
My self-esteem isn't quite up to par tonight. I dont know why. Nothing in particular happening. Just hating everything I see again. I really hope this doesn't last too long. I hate these phases. One day, I look in the mirror and go "Wow, I look cute." Get all happy, all that stuff. And the next day, I look in the mirror and want to punch it. Tonight is the latter of the two.
I just wish I could hold Jon tonight. Have him tell me that everything is okay and that I'm gorgeous. All of the wonderful things he says to me on a regular basis.
Well, that's all there is to it tonight. Sorry for the short, not-so-happy blog guys. Remember that I love you and that I'm so glad you're in my life.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3