I Said It's Hot Outside, Let Me Go Swimming In Your Eyes.

Oh, hey there. So, yes, it has been a while since I've posted. And to the few, very few, loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for the hiatus. It was a lot longer than I had expected it to be. But, I'm back! Rejoice you may.

I figured I would come back when I had life figured out, or at least had the illusion of having life figured out. I don't. At all. I don't actually understand life at all. Not even a little bit. I thought I was onto something for a bit there, but still nothing. This post is going to be a little all over the place because that's where my mind is at the moment. It's okay if you get lost part way through. I'll probably get lost writing it.

I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is about my life that is keeping me from feeling completely at peace with it. The more I think about it, I realize it can be boiled down to a few things.

The first one, my self-esteem issues. They have got to improve. I have someone in my life right now who has helped a lot with it. Unfortunately, it's called self-esteem for a reason. It's the way I view myself, and that can't be changed entirely through other people's opinions. Fortunately, the few physical things I want to change about myself are fairly simple to change. The extra weight around the midsection, the chipped front tooth, those sort of small physical changes that I obsess over constantly. It's the non-physical aspects of myself that are going to be harder to change. Actually, I don't really want to change them. Maybe that's the first step at bettering my own self image. I don't want to change who I am on the inside. Yes, I'm loud. Borderline obnoxious, really. But, I like that. I can hang out with any group of guys and fit right in. Maybe not so much with their girlfriends,  or any girls for that matter, but I don't really like most gals anyway. I'm a total man's girl. I love sexist jokes, I think that women as a whole are crazy people, and I have been known to totally abide by the Bro Code as opposed to the...well, whatever the equivalent is for girls. I have helped many a guy friends sleep with many a women without the intention to ever call them again. I'm okay with that.

The second thing, personal relationships. I'm finally in a healthy romantic relationship with someone who wants to be with me, and not with my vagina. Meaning, our relationship is not of a sexual nature. At first I thought, "What the hell am I doing? I love sex. I can't be with someone who doesn't want to have sex." Then, I realized, I don't love sex as much as I love the thought of someone wanting me so much, in such a carnal way, that they resort to some animalistic form of communicating said wanting. But, this one can want me in that way and communicate it without pulling his genitals out. It's pretty fantastic. Plus, he kind of ... gets me. It's kind of awesome. Unfortunately, romantic isn't the only kind of relationship one has in their lives. And I seem to be failing in most of the other senses of relationships. For example, friendships. I have one really close friend, Sam. Literally the best friend I've ever had and ever will have. He has no idea what he means to me. He probably actually never will considering the fact that our friendship isn't exactly the kind where you express who much you care about the other one with phrases of sentiment. You do it through constant ribbing. Duh. We've known each other for close to 8 years. 9 years? I don't know. It's been a while. He knows every humiliating story there is to know about me, every stupid quirk that not even some family members know about, every ridiculous pet peeve and annoyance I have, and most importantly, he may be the only one who can tell when I'm upset and to what degree I'm upset at all times. I wish I had more friends like him but so far, everyone seems to disappoint in that respect. I thought I was getting really close to a girl. ((take a moment to gasp in astonishment)) Yes, a girl. I thought we were going to be really good friends. We had known each other as little tykes, meaning fifth grade, and had endured the awesome humiliation of being D.A.R.E cheerleaders together. I thought we were a lot alike. We're both loud, obnoxious, bitchy chicks who can get down with the guys. Not in the dirty way. Well, I guess that too. I don't know, never seen the girl in action. Okay, this is getting a bit weird....anyway! I thought we had a good thing going. But, then I met my boyfriend and she started dating hers seriously, and that was that. She's bailed on plans to hang out, I've bailed on plans to hang out. It seems we don't really have time for each other. Which definitely sucks. But, on the bright side, I have been hanging out with a couple new people and may have formed a few friendships. Mostly through this guy, Blayze. His girlfriend is one of my favorite people ever. He's pretty cool too. Just in case he reads this. =]
I thought I had met a few awesome people through the boyfriend. Until I realized, I can't get close to his friends. I mean, his best friend is freaking awesome. The exact kind of guy I would normally befriend. But, I can't risk the awkward break up moments. You know, you date someone, get to know his friends, become friends with them, then you and boyfriend break up. Sure, the friends you stayed close with through the relationship will pretend for a while to try to remain friends with you. But, you both know that it can't continue. It's just....awkward.
Then of course there are the family relationships. My dad and I are still weirdly estranged. He lives right in the next room, and yet we can't even hold conversations. I go days without even seeing him sometimes. Maybe him living in the same place as me is the problem. Maybe I just can't live with him. I don't know. He annoys me sometimes. And most of the time, I can't even figure out why. The worst part is that now I can't watch a show or a movie with a character whose dad dies, or hear a song about a father/daughter relationship without bursting into tears. For example, I recently caught up on all past seasons of How I Met Your Mother and in one of the episodes (spoiler alert) Marshall's dad dies. And he's thinking about the last words his father ever said to him. And I cried the entire episode. I kept thinking what if I never seen my dad again? What if this happened to me? I have really got to fix things with him...
My mom stayed with us for the weekend and it was surprisingly not terrible. For the people reading this who actually know me, you know that my mom and I haven't always been on the best of terms, that's putting it lightly. We couldn't be in the same room for a while because I blamed her for my entire fucked up childhood. I genuinely did not like her. Of course, I loved her. I mean, the woman pushed me out of her ... lady bits. But, I couldn't believe that any woman who loved her child would put them through what she put me through. How could she ruin me? How could she hurt me so bad if she loved me so much? Then I realized, we always hurt the ones we love the most. We don't even mean to. She was 20 when she had me. 20 years old. She was a year younger than me now when he had a baby. I can't imagine my life with a baby now, and I've come a long way in just this past year. Last year, I would have been the worst mother of all time. I'm surprised she did as well as she did with a baby at 20, and another baby at 22 who was in and out of the hospital all the time. Looking back on my childhood, yeah, my mom screwed up quite a few times. But, so did my dad. And I freaking adore my father. Why did I give up on my mother-daughter relationship? I needed her in high school. I needed her when she left me. I needed her when my boyfriend broke up with me for no reason, or when one of my boyfriends cheated on me, or when one of the other ones cheated on me. I needed my mom when I found out I may never have a child. I may never have the joy of raising kids the way my mom did. And she was always so happy to be there for me. I don't know why I gave her such a hard time...I'm just glad she's still there to fix things.

Well, now that you have all been privy to the extremely private thoughts inside this awesome brain of mine. Of course there are some things I cant share with certain readers that I would love to get off my chest. But, I  know I have people in my life I can always vent to.

I love you so much. I missed you more than you'll ever know. Thank you so much for being part of my life.

Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

Firefly, could you shine your light?

I've been realizing lately that everyone has a different meaning for the same words.

For example, the word "inappropriate." Most people's minds go to dirty, raunchy, sexual things. My mind however goes to the actual meaning of the word. Not proper or suitable. This of course could mean that someone made a sexual comment to someone else and that it was completely ... you guessed it, inappropriate. Or it could mean thinking about someone constantly, in a non-sexual way, and saying something completely off the wall like, "Seeing you makes me stop breathing for a second." Not sexual at all. However, if the conversation is not at all about emotions, or if the person doesn't feel at all the same way about you, this sentence is far more inappropriate than saying something of the physical manner.

Another word, "hopeless." Most people see this as a negative adjective towards people. Somehow being hopeless became this terrible thing to everyone. I don't mind being hopeless. It's just who I am now. After being hurt over and over and over again, and after realizing that no matter how much someone stabs me in the heart, no matter how many times I feel like I'm drowning in tears or pain, I know that I will always believe in soul mates. I'll always believe in happily ever after. I will continue to cry at romantic movies, and at the thought of never meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. I will always believe in love. 
I know that's seen as hopeless, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather be hopeless and put myself out there, even if I do get hurt ten million times, because I know that the day I do meet him, all of the pain will have been more than worth it. I have no doubts in that. I'll dream about that guy all the way up until the day I meet him. I vow to never forget to stop and think about what my life with him will be like, even though I know that when it actually happens it will be better than anything I could have ever imagined. Ever.

One more. The word, "weird." I am very...very weird. I always thought that was a good thing. I'm unique, you won't meet someone else like me. I have just always considered myself fun, quirky, kind of funny in that "I don't really get it but her laugh is hilarious." sort of way, a lot nerdy, and a little emotional. But most of all, I was different. I had no problem in going up to a random person and talking their ear off about my life, their life, Star Wars, love, what's wrong with the world, politics, their shirt, my shirt, their shoes, my pants, my dog, music, why I love to color, anything really. Then, one day someone broke me. People started making me think that there was something wrong with me. That being so sociable was ... well, weird. They gave that word such a bad connotation that I didn't want to be that anymore. I put myself in a miserable friendship for so long because she was "normal." She was accepted by the general public as a good person. She was quiet, she was rude, she was judgmental, I hated being around her, but I stayed friends with her because it was the "normal" thing to do. She kept me as normal as possible. I hated being that normal. I hated being that run of the mill girl who complained about things that made no sense to complain about. I hated caring about what I was wearing because someone else might not like it. I hated the way she looked at people, the way I was expected to look at people who weren't "skinny enough" or "pretty enough." Yeah, like you're a real prize, kid. I want to be the person who didn't care again.

All in all, I'm a goofy, nerdy, crazy, emotional, fun, quirky, unique, hopeless, inappropriate, weird, amazing, hopeful, loving, caring, funny, great person who is an amazing kisser, a great lover, and kick-ass at Star Wars trivia, and happens to fall apart a lot. I cry for no reason, I laugh for no reason, I talk to people because they look interesting, I am obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, I love penguins, I am an obsessive texter, I check Facebook like it's a religion, I hate Marilyn Monroe, I get way too excited about little things, I exaggerate my like/dislike of things to get a point across, I pick fights with a significant other because I like the passion and fire behind arguing, I'm a complete mess. And, I guess I'm looking for someone who can handle that.

Did you ever see a robin weep when leaves begin to die? It means he's lost the will to live.

This is sort of hard for me to write especially after the last blog. In which I insisted that I couldn't be broken. I lied. I am broken. I guess the truth is, I can't be repaired. I thought that the way I am...I thought I was okay. I'm not. I'm just delirious and delusional. I force myself to think things are okay and that I'm fine. I even pretend that I'm better than fine. I say things like, "you'll never break me." What I really mean is "You can't break me anymore than I already am." I'm irreparable.
This hurts to write because I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm still lost and I still have no idea what I want. I know I'm still young and that I have plenty of time to figure it out, but I feel incredibly lost. Maybe it's time for a change. I keep telling myself that I want to escape to Ireland someday, when I have the money. I make excuses constantly about why I haven't changed my life to be the way I want it to be. I am starting to realize the reason I haven't done anything is fear. I'm terrified that I'm stuck this way forever, so why bother? Or maybe I'm afraid to change. I know myself now. I know when a "mood" is coming. I can feel when my emotions are getting out of whack and I'm getting good at hiding them. A new me means new emotions, new moods, new everything. Maybe I'm afraid to be someone new, or maybe I'm afraid I'll actually find myself. I really don't know, I just know that I'm afraid.
I really needed to write this to let everyone know that I'm going to sort of disappear for a while. I'm going to work, reflect, save money, etc. And then I'm escaping. I'm going to miss you very much. If you read this blog and I don't know you, thank you so much for letting me be apart of your life for so long. And I promise to return, so stay subscribed.
If you're reading this, and I do know you. I'm sorry you didn't know the real me. And I'm going to miss you so much. I can guarantee that. You should have my number if you really need to contact me.

Whether I know you or not, I love you. And I always will.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together..

I think the message I would tell people if I could, the one thing that I could just broadcast is this...you can't break me.
I know people have tried in the past, and yeah, I've gotten pretty bent, but I'm still in one piece. Never will anyone ever get the best of me. You might think you can, you might think that you'll be the one to break me in half, and you might wish you were that person, but you're not. Okay? Get over it.
You can say whatever you want about me, to me or behind my back, and I will still just brush it off and get over it. I'll move on.
There's something I guess I should share with you guys. The way I grew up wasn't exactly pleasant. I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. Between parents that fought constantly over nothing, a dad who was a junkie, a mom who couldn't care if you lived or died because she was too busy babying your little brother, and financial issues, it was hard to be a happy kid. A typical day in high school for me would be something like this:
Wake up, usually a little late.
Take a quick shower, get dressed and ready for school. Which usually consisted of a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. Maybe a hoodie if it was cold.
Running out the front door, where the one good thing about my day stood. His name is Sam. He has been my best friend for years.
Walking to school.
Getting to school, going about my day as if I was fine.
Walking home with Sam.
Going inside and being greeted to an attitude from my mom.
Fighting with my mom, hiding out in my room until my dad got home.
Hearing my dad come home and going to go downstairs but then hearing my parents start arguing. So instead I would flip on the music, turn it up way too loud to drown it out.
Going downstairs for dinner, staying silent the entire time I ate.
Fighting with my parents over ... anything, really.
Going back upstairs, screaming my music at the top of my lungs, going to bed.
Repeat.
Either that or I would run to Sam's house. All day.
That was every day. My parents would just fight and fight and fight. Then, my brother and I started arguing. We would get into fist fights. Full-fledged fist fights. My dad would go get his fix, my mom would sit there and watch as my brother kicked the shit out of me. Then, yell at me, "Jenny, shut up, it didn't hurt that bad. You can breathe, you'll be fine." Can you imagine having to brush off the insults from your own parents? Having two parents who couldn't care less if you didn't come home for days? Having a house that was more like a war zone? Seriously, your house is supposed to be your sanctuary, you should be able to go home and feel safe. I didn't. I felt safer out running around with friends or just being outside. I hated going home.

Christ, when I was like 4, I got kidnapped. I went outside and this woman just snatched me up and kept me in a bedroom for a few hours before my mom actually came looking for me.

But, going through all of that, hearing your mom tell you that you're the reason her and your father fight, hearing your dad tell your mom that she's good for nothing, hearing your entire family jump down your throat for just being yourself...it made me stronger. It got me to this point in my life. I can now look at someone who doubts me, who looks down on me, or just doesn't like me for who I am, and tell them...you will never break me.
You will never be the reason I cry, you will never be the reason I give up on myself, and you sure as hell won't be the reason I leave this earth.

So, to the couple of people out there who think that by saying things like, "you mean nothing to me." "you're not good enough." "you're too (enter any adjective here.)" that you can bring me down...think again.
I promise to rise up above all of your petty shit and all the fucking crap you want to throw at me. I swear to you, one day you will be fucking crawling on your hands and god damn knees, begging and pleading, for forgiveness. You will come to me the same way you always have and look up at me and you will see who I am. Don't you motherfuckers know? I'm Jenny-motherfucking-Lynn. I'm the Death Star. I will ruin your fucking life without even fucking trying. Just remember that shit next time you think about me, just remember that every time you talk about me, that's just one more person who knows about me. You're just getting me one step closer to being a house-hold name. So, please, keep trying to bring me down. It makes me laugh, and they always say laughter is the best medicine.

Jenny-Lynn aka "Death Star".

My head told my let heart, let love grow. My heart told my head, this time no. This time no.

Hey all!
I know it's been way too long and I am sorrryyy.
I guess I should start off with the basics. School is ... not so good. Not that I don't love it or anything like that, but my I am having some difficulties with the school that I have to sort out. Pretty much, my attendance fell below the allowed percentage by 8 percentage points and now I have to appeal to get back into the program. So, there is that.
Work is great. I love my job and the people I work with. Everything is so relaxed and everyone is so chill. It's definitely a different pace than I'm used to.
The kitten is getting way too big and the dog is turning a year old in about 4 days.

So now for the good stuff!

Friendships: I'm starting to really realize who I want to keep in my life and who I wouldn't mind letting go. I have always had a grasp on that sort of thing, but I sort of lost it for a little while. And lately I've gained it back a lot. I'm really happy with the people in my life now. =]

Romance: I am so happy to be where I am in my life in the romantic sense. I know who I am, where I want to go with my life, and who I want that special guy to be. I also am pretty sure I have actually talked to this man multiple times. I thought it might have been this guy that I've known forever. I thought, yeah, this has to be right. That's the old story. Best friends become lovers become soul mates. However, when I told this person how I felt about them, after years of them chasing me by the way, they sort of ... stopped talking to me. Not altogether, don't get me wrong. Just enough for me to get the hint. It was the chase. And I'm okay with that now. I wasn't so much then, but I realized something, I would rather get the hint now and move on and still love him then to keep pressing and make a big deal out of it and lose someone way too important to me.
On a positive note, there is someone. Once again, I won't mention any names because I have found that opening my mouth ...err..fingers? .. whatever, and blogging about the guy I'm talking to seems to blow up in my face. However, I will tell you this. He's a teacher. He's 26. He's really cute. He's funny. He's excitable like me! I have a school girl crush on him. He says he has a crush on me as well. He's incredibly fun to be around. And I haven't stopped thinking about him since we met. =] He made a huge impact on me and I'm not exactly sure why or what specific detail sparked it, but I like it.

Family: I've been a lot closer to my family since that last entry. My mom saw it, and she cried. Then she showed pretty much everyone mentioned in it. Unfortunately, I forgot one. It was my grandparents. My Mommom and Poppi. I don't have the relationship with them that I would like, and it's mostly because I don't have a car to get over there whenever I want to. But, it's also because, I feel like I disappoint them. I feel like a total failure in comparison to my cousins and my aunt and my uncle...I feel like I'm the fuck up kid. I'm the one who didn't go to college and get a real job. I work and live pay check to pay check. I'm not exactly the prettiest girl in the world and I know they wanted me to be gorgeous like I was as a kid. I'm not the skinniest of girls either. I have tattoos and used to have piercings. I wanted to tell them that I wish they could accept me for who I am. The tattooed massage therapist who is okay with herself and her looks and who isn't financially stable...I miss them a lot. =/

I guess that's really all I have to say today.

Here's a quote I really like..
"I can sum up all I have learned about life in three words: It goes on." -Robert Frost. 


I just want to be there, when we're caught in the rain. I just want to see you laugh, not cry. I just want to feel you when the night puts on its cloak. A loss for words, don't tell me. Cuz all I can say, I love you till the end. 




I can't escape, I love you till the end.


Jenny-Lynn. <3

Just in case you were wondering...

I know, I didn't use the date as the title. I figured I would stop doing that. Why do you need to see the date twice up there?
What does this title mean? It means different things for different people out there.
To the guy who broke my heart and watched me cry and beg for you back...just in case you were wondering, I'm okay. I cried for a while over you and I think that's why I'm okay now. I can see you and not yearn for you because I know what you're capable of. And quite frankly, it disgusts me a little.

To the "friend" I had to cut out of my life...just in case you were wondering, your words don't hurt me. I feel relieved to have cut you out of my life. Your drama WAS too much to handle. You were ridiculous about everything and just too much for me. I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if you do trash me in your blog constantly. I hope you find an inner peace and realize what you have to offer the world. I hope that one day you look at your arm and say, "I don't need to do this anymore." I hope that you find a true love so pure, you can't believe you ever thought you loved anyone else in this world or any other. I hope that one day when you're sitting there, thinking bad about me, you realize that I will have nothing but nice things to say about you. And lastly, I hope that you get over your vices and become the man I know you are inside.

To the people who look at me and feel sorry for me or feel the need to make fun of me because you think that "nerd" is a disease....just in case you were wondering, I don't care what you think. My nerdiness is my own and I love it. I wouldn't change that for anyone or anything in this world. Guess what? My true friends love me for my nerdisms. If you think my nerdisms are too intense for you, don't talk to me. Or just leave those things out of the conversation. I get it, I'm not your type or the type of person who you would want to be friends with. You don't understand my references. That's fine. Just leave me alone then.

To my brother...just in case you were wondering, I wish we were closer. I wish we could hang out and do stuff together. We went through so much together and yet we can barely be in the same room without one of us getting agitated at some point. I don't get it.

To my friends who stick with me through everything...just in case you were wondering, I love you so much for that. I know who you are when you text me to make plans and don't seem annoyed by me the entire time we're together. I couldn't have made it through a lot of the things I've been going through lately if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to give me a hug, or just a good tough love talk (Eric), you are so awesome. I wish I could have a million more friends like you.

To my best friend Sam...just in case you were wondering......I am so happy you're back in my life. I like the new you. A lot.


To my mom...just in case you were wondering, I'm okay with you getting married. I think that it's great you want to settle down with him. I just don't get it. Also, I love you. I know we don't always get along and I know that we sometimes (read: always) fight. I know that I can't have a conversation with you sometimes. But, I also know that I would die for you. I would kill for you. You're my mom. I just wish you could see me as the little girl who adored you before all the crap you and dad put Nick and I through. I wish you could understand how I felt inside when we fight and when you tell me that you don't need me in your life. I wish you could feel the anguish I feel when I see people in my life getting matching tattoos with their moms, or going to see a movie with them, or just hanging out with them. You could never know how much you hurt me sometimes. But, you could also never know how much I love you for being my mother and for giving me life. For giving me my little brother. For being the one I cried to about relationships that failed.

To my dad...just in case you were wondering, I miss you. I know you're literally in the next room, but you're not the same anymore. I want my best friend back. I know we say it all the time, "Oh, she's my daughter but she's my best friend." "He's my dad, but seriously, we act more like brother and sister." But, I feel like we're just saying it to keep it alive lately. You never talk to me anymore, you're always watching tv, or you're just busy. Even when we hang out, I feel like you're so disinterested in what I have to say. I talk and talk and talk, and I get no response from you. Then when you talk, it's not even about what we're talking about. You just start a new conversation. I feel like I don't even have to be there. I don't know what happened. I can feel that I'm not your little girl anymore, and it hurts. More than you'll ever know. I just want my dad back.


That's it for today guys. Mainly because I can't do this without crying. Oh, one more.

To the person reading this...just in case you were wondering, I love you. More than you could ever imagine. More than I should care about people I've never met, actually, people who I have no idea if they actually exist. I love you for being there when I needed you most. These past 5 months have only been possible because of you.

Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

September 8, 2011. Part 2.

Hello all! I am sitting in school right now. Just took my palpation exam! Good news! 100%! Yeah boyyyy.That's how I roll. Hahaha.
I'm a little disappointed thought because I had plans with someone tonight and I'm pretty sure he's bailing out on me. Which sucks. Hard. But, that's alright. I'll get over it.
There are three rooms where I go to school. Well, in the upstairs area. The one I'm sitting in is the student lounge. It has 3 really crappy computers, a couple of tables with chairs, a microwave, some plastic ware, etc. The other rooms are the lecture room. Just a classroom, really. And the practical room. Which is where we practice on massage on our fellow classmates.
So I am in the student lounge just counting down the minutes, nay the seconds, until we break for lunch. I am freaking starving. I brought one of those tv dinner things tonight. Chicken Fingers. Mmmm. <3

I'm trying to figure out how the heck I'm going to do everything I have to do in my life. I have to graduate in a month, take the National Exams, and start a career. I'm 21! This is ridiculous...I'm really scared. Terrified actually.

On a separate note, a good one, when I did my palpation exam my teacher said "Darth Azwol, the Sith Lady." And that made me quite happy. So now I'm not just Death Star. I'm also Darth Azwol the Sith Lady. Haha.
My phone went off in class today and my ringtone is the Imperial March complete with Darth Vader in the background saying, "The Dark Side of the Force is calling you." It's pretty epic. But, of course, I'm already teased about my Star Wars obsession in school as it is...so they had fun with that one.
"Hmmm, wonder whose phone that could have been.." As they all just stared at me. Haha
Yeah, well, that's pretty much just how I do things.

I had a conversation at work today that I never thought I would have with the people I work with. I was asked by the one girl that works there, where the craziest place I had ever ... gotten busy ... was. She told me hers was in a model home that she was looking at with her husband. Which I thought was hilarious. And awesome. By the way, mine was at the zoo. It was pretty awesome. And hot. The other girl at work though said she had never done anything crazy like that before. Ever. We both just stood there staring at her like, what? And it's not like she's a virgin or anything, she just never did anything crazy. It was just an odd situation to be in.

Have you ever wanted something so much that you're willing to do some not so smart things to get it? Yeah, that's where I am right now. I don't know how to explain it anymore. I don't know how to tell people what it is I want more than I already have. I don't just want someone next to me. I don't just want a cute face. I really don't just want a good lay. I want something real. And I thought I had found it a couple of times and it wasn't. I hope maybe I find it soon. =/

Anyway, I'm going to get back to class and do actual school things.

I love you guys so muchhhh. You have absolutely no idea how much I think about you.

Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

September 8, 2011.

Before you read this, you should be prepared for senseless rambling. Something like a stream of consciousness.

Hey guys! I have about an hour before I have to leave for school so I decided to talk to you guys for a bit. So how are you? Yeah, same.... What have you been up to?    Really?! That's awesome. Me? Oh, you know, just the same old same old. Can't complain, you know. Oh I can complain? Then here we go.
Today is my palpation exam. And instead of spending my entire day studying which was the initial plan, I ended up having to clean my entire apartment. Why? Because my father decided to leave my dog out of her crate alone and Lacey destroyed everything. Everything. She literally just messed everything up. I had to clean my entire apartment from top to bottom.
I live with my dad and my brother. My brother's bed is as old as sin and it hurts his back. So he sleeps in the living room. Which is fine. Except that he uses the living room as if it's a bedroom. He throws his clothes everything. He leaves his trash laying around. It's disgusting. And then I get stuck cleaning it because I hate living like that. So now my entire apartment is sparkling clean. But, I still have my palpation exam tonight.
Which I am totally not prepared for. Unless I get the Deltoids. Then, I'm set.
I am so tired.
Bah, I'm rambling. I'm literally just writing whatever comes to my mind right now.

Oh! So, apparently I'm sad now? I don't get it. I mean, I kind of do. My status on Facebook yesterday was, "Putting on makeup to go to school so I don't look as bad as I feel. Here we go..." and it was misconstrued to think that I was sad. But, I was just sick. I didn't feel good and I looked like crap to go with it until I made myself up.
I really like Volbeat. It's a band. If you don't listen to them, you should look them up. I love the guys voice. His name is Michael Poulsen.  =]

"I've been down but I'm back in the magic zone." - Volbeat.

Bah. I just want to go to sleep. I cannot wait until tonight.

Well, I should probably get ready for school here soon. Okay. Love you guys.

I love you,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

September 7, 2011.

I have a lot of things on my mind today.

First off, this whole being obsessed with love thing. I really don't understand it. Trying to get me to talk about it or giving me advice, it won't work. I'm not normal. I don't know how else to say this. I have a fixation on falling in love and meeting the right guy. Trust me, I know it's a problem. But, it's not one that I'm really willing to solve. "Jenny, why are you crying over something you can't control?" "Jenny, he's not worth all this." I don't think that people understand why I cry when I dump someone/get dumped. It's not usually over that guy. It's usually because when I'm in a relationship, I throw everything I have into it. I put in 110% and I fall quickly. And I usually convince myself that this one could be happily ever after. 

*This is the part where I tell you that most people tell me not to take every relationship so seriously, to just let them grow naturally and see where they go. But, that's not who I am. So...shut up.*

And when it's not happily ever after, I am devastated. I tell myself that I'm stupid for thinking that this guy could have been the one. 

I had someone tell me that I should start making a list of what I want in my next relationship. Maybe look back to why the other ones failed and make a list of things that I want the next guy to have. Maybe qualities I want them to possess or things I want to be able to do with them. I might try that. But, that might not be something I show you guys.

The next thing on my mind is school. I have this huge paper due tomorrow and I had it almost finished and it got deleted from my computer. If you knew how pissed I was .... holy crap. I thought someone was going to die. Not that I was going to kill them just that you know, my fury would just kill someone out of it's own volition. So, now I have to redo the entire thing. Grr. And I have work tomorrow morning. Should be a good time.

I know there are people out there that care about me. And I know that there are people out there that only see the good in me and the awesome parts of me. But, these people are not the people who are going to fall in love with me, sweep me off my feet, and let me live happily ever after with them. And so far, the people who have fallen in love with me, aren't exactly the people that I have fallen in love with back. I don't know if it's because they fell in love with me or if it's because they're just not the guy for me. Maybe I'm being too picky. Which is actually quite new for me. Usually I just go with whatever guy is showing me attention at that point. This time I'm actually putting in time and work for each person to get to know them and figure out if we're compatible for a long term relationship. Hopefully this saves me from getting hurt later on. 

Something I've realized about myself, I've always thought I was a kind of shallow person. I always thought that the guy I married was going to be this extremely hot guy. But, I'm starting to get so fed up with the pretty boy types. The guys with the muscles and the pretty faces. I just am not interested in them. They start talking to me and they have nothing to say. It's just so annoying. Lately, the guys I've been more attracted to are the smart/funny ones. Which makes me extremely happy, actually. It's weird, though. Celebrity crushes like Colin Egglesfield have just fallen away. He just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I want something real. Something deeper than that gorgeous face of his. Sure, he's good looking, but in reality he's probably kind of a douche who only dates super model chicks anyway. I want a nerd boyfriend. A real one. Not the ones who have become "cool." I hate those guys. 

"Yeah bro, I got this totally awesome Super Mario Bros. t-shirt to show off how hip and nerdy I am. Look, non-prescription large rimmed glasses. I'm so cool."

No. A real nerd. One that can watch Red Vs. Blue with me. One that can watch Toy Story with me and point out the Star Wars references. One that can keep up in a Star Wars conversation. I want a real nerd. 

Oh and by the way guys, there is nothing wrong with a girl being a nerd. There is nothing wrong with a girl rocking a Star Wars shirt instead of a sundress. There's nothing wrong with me being a little brash or abrasive. It just means we don't pretend to be perfect. We don't go get our nails done every week, or go shopping on the weekends, or doll ourselves up just to go get the mail. Yeah, I'm perfectly comfortable in my sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt, and yes, I will go out like this. There's nothing wrong with me being a little bit of a tomboy instead of your little miss priss girly girl fantasy. I have a brain and I can use it to not become what every other girl is. Yeah, I cuss like a sailor. Yeah, my favorite word would probably make you cringe. I'm not a Barbie. But, there is nothing wrong with me. I just take a little getting used to. 

I love you guys so much for sticking with me through everything. I miss you already.

Love,

Jenny-Lynn. <3

My hair's a wreck. Mascara runs. My feet get dirty and my skin burns in the sun. My lips, they bleed. But I still sing my songs. Takes me a minute to admit it when I'm wrong. Pretty is as pretty does but pretty's not my thing...

This is what you get. This is who I am. Take me now or leave me, anyway you can. Sometimes I trip and fall, but I know where I stand. And if you're thinking about changing my direction, don't mess with imperfection. 

September 5, 2011.

Hey all.
So this may not come as a shock to you all, but I'm back in the bad place I started this blog at.
I'm starting to see all of my flaws again. I realize that no guy could ever fall in love with me because I can't even love myself right now.
I'm realizing that it shouldn't matter if a guy is falling in love with me. It should only matter if I like myself and how I feel about me. I shouldn't be so obsessed with a guy falling head over heels with me. Who cares if a guy never looks at me from across a room and smiles just because I'm smiling? I mean, who really needs a guy to look at you when you wake up and tell you that you're beautiful? I know that. But, I can't help it.
You know, I love romantic comedy movies. Even though I cry at them every time. And I have people tell me "I hate romantic comedies, they're not real. That's not real life." Why isn't it? Why can't that be real life? Why is that people say that? Maybe it's not real life because people don't want it to be. Maybe, just maybe, when you meet the right person, that's what real life becomes.
I hate this person that I'm becoming. Why am I so obsessed with falling in love? And if you're reading this, and you think that it would be a smart idea to tell me that I don't need a guy to make me happy or to just let it happen naturally and stop thinking about it so much, I would suggest not doing that. Seriously. I'm sick of people telling me that...

Anyway. That's all I have to talk about today.
I love you.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

September 2, 2011.

Today was a tiring one. I woke early per usual, went to work, and then had to run a bunch of errands before coming home. I feel like so much has happened this week and so much is happening to me all the time.
The last time I wrote, I told you I got a new job. I love it there. Everyone is so relaxed and fun.
Today, I worked from 8 a.m. until about 2 p.m. I was so happy to be there, though. When my dad came and picked me up from work, we went to Denny's for lunch. It was so good. I got a phone call from Justin who told me that I was right about this girl. Again. I swear sometimes people come to me for advice and then when I give it they act like the advice was stupid or wrong. But in the end I'm right about things. I have a serious knack for pinning people and I know people pretty well. Sometimes without even meeting the person. I just don't understand why you would come to someone for advice and then throw the advice away like it doesn't make any sense or something. You obviously thought that I was tuned in enough to advise you on the situation, why is it that when you don't like the advice given you act like I'm the one who doesn't know what I'm talking about? Oh well. Once again I was proven right and once again I was told, "I should've listened to you."

Then I went with my dad and my brother to get some things for the house, pay some bills, that sort of thing. When we came home, we watched a movie, and I got on the computer. I really need to take a nap. But, I want to go out tonight! Gr.

Anyway, everything else is pretty much the same. Still single, still in school, still just trying to live my life for me.

Let's see, I'm friends with Oliver. I can't remember if I told you that already or not. I like where our friendship is.

To the guy who told me to let love happen organically: I know. Trust me, I know. I have been letting it happen organically. Or at least, I've been just sitting back and hoping it happens organically. I'm sure it will and when it does it's going to hit me like a ton of fireworks right in the core of my soul. I know that when it happens, I'm going to feel it like one hundred thousand balloons all filling up in my heart at once. And I'll marry that guy. Remember, when I get married, I want to be very married.
I just need to find the guy that wants that too. And not just any guy. I have to want him back, obviously.

Anyway, that's really all that's been happening with me.
Oh right. And I have Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 stuck in my head. =]

I love you guys so so so so so much. I wish I could tell you just how much. I wish I could see your face and tell you that you mean the world to me and that without you, I don't know how I could have gotten to where I am today. =]
Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 29, 2011

Hey all!
Started my job today! It was amazing!!! I work at Edible Arrangements now. And its so fun. The people I work with are pretty awesome, thus far. The fruit is delicious. If you have never gotten one of their arrangements, I highly recommend it. Let's do a play by play shall we? Okay, 8 o'clock, I show up. The boss is late. So I waited around outside with a girl I work with, we shall call her E. E was waiting outside munching on some Chick-Fil-A. We got to talking about the job. Then the boss showed up. His name, for our purposes, will be D. D unlocked the door, we went in, he showed me how to clock in and all that jazz.
Then I started learning the fun part. The actual bouquets! I got to make a bunch of them and they are so fun! The chocolate dipped strawberries are .. SO GOOD!
I learned pretty quickly and D thinks I'll fit in really well. =]

In other news, I feel quite .. confused today. I feel like I don't know what to do next. Or where to go next. Especially in the love life. I don't feel like getting into details right now, but I promise you'll all get details soon enough.

Okay then. I love you guys so much! I can't wait to tell you guys some more about my job and hopefully soon about a relationship... =/

Love
Jenny-Lynn. <3

P.S. HI JUAN!!

August 28, 2011.

You know what I love? I love my life right now. Ha! Seriously though, I have made amends with so many people that I thought were going to hate me forever. It's fantastic. Also, I'm meeting new people. People who have been invaluable to my learning and growing in life.

You know what I hate? I hate that I have had to cut some people out of my life due to the toxicity they brought with them. It's sad and I hate doing it, but I know it's better for me in the long run.

I just had a bit of a scare, I tried to log in to my blog and it kept telling me that there was no blog under that name. I almost cried. I would have lost everything. Turns out, I'm just an idiot who was putting in the wrong email address. Ha. yeah....Go me.
Let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see...Oh! Okay. So, I have a job now. I work at a place that makes these awesome fruit flower bouquets. I start Monday. Which I'm superrrr excited about! =D I needed a job very badly. Doing better in school, somewhat.
Relationship status = still single. But, I am loving where I am with myself. Seriously. It's a great time meeting a bunch of new people and being able to wonder who he's going to be and when he's going to come along. I thought I knew but ... maybe not.
The thing is, when I told this guy that he was what I wanted, I didn't quite get the desired response. Which is totally fine. But, it made me think. And maybe he is that guy, but maybe .. maybe he's not. I do adore him and I care about him so much. And I miss him so much. We'll see what happens.

Anyway all, I'm headed out for the evening. I will update you guys on my first day of work tomorrow! =]

I love you!!!
Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 20, 2011.

Hey guys! So. Today is already shaping up to be quite annoying. I got woken up way too early by my stupid freaking cat. Then, right as I'm falling back to sleep my dad decides he's going to start making as much noise as possible because he's awake. I'm so effing tired.
The past couple days have been somewhat ... interesting. Kinda hanging out with this new guy. We'll see how that goes.
Had a fight with Justin. Justin was supposed to be my best friend. But, he fell in love with me and when he realized that I wasn't going to have those same feelings for him, he got really upset. Understandably. However then he started taking it out on me. He just started being a jerk and saying really rude things to me. He was saying even ruder things behind my back though. I saw a blog he posted about me and I just snapped. What kind of best friend goes behind someone's back and trashes them on a blog? He started telling my brother that he felt like I had used him because he bought me a dress, some shoes, and "all my birthday drinks" and I hadn't talked to him since. Which, when he said this it had been about 24 hours since I last spoken to him and that was only because I was still too drunk to form a coherent thought. Also in his blog, and in our conversation, he started trashing this guy that I had been talking to. The one from the few previous blogs that I was really starting to like but he told me we weren't serious relationship material. He said that the guy was a douchebag for not wanting to be with me. I couldn't disagree more. This guy is actually quite nice and I still hang out with him. I wasn't in love with the guy, I just liked him. When he told me that I wasn't what he was looking for in a long term girlfriend, those feelings subsided. Now, him and I are just friends and I'm find with that. The crazy part though is that Justin didn't pay for all of my birthday drinks. He was going to, and he said he would multiple times. But, when the bill came, his card was declined. And guess who stepped in to pay for the rest of it? Yeah, that "doucher" guy he's been trashing.
I think that the biggest reason I can't deal with any of this though is that its a constant self-pity party with Justin. It's constantly "oh look at me, I'm sad" and "my life is terrible" and "no one will ever love me." Yes, I know, as a best friend, I am supposed to be there for him and listen to him and all that. And I don't mind talking someone I care about off a ledge every so often. But, come on. Every conversation? It's annoying. It doesn't even seem genuine. It just seems like he does a lot of it for the attention.
I know it seems like I'm being pretty hypocritical right now. Pretty much airing my grievances on a blog which is kind of what started the fight to begin with. But, I'm now. I've said all of this to his face and he knows exactly how I feel. I'm just tired of being pushed around because I'm too empathetic. I start feeling bad for people and understanding the feeling of not being good enough and I get taken advantage of. I sit there and talk to this guy about his problems every day and hear his talk about how low he is. Every day. For hours. I can't have a conversation with him about my life because if I say that my day was anything better than terrible, I get this whole "pity me" routine even harder. About how lucky I am to have a good day and he wishes he could. Come on man...I just .... I need some happier friends I guess.
I'm not cutting this guy out of my life completely, not yet anyway. I just need some space for now. Some time to not worry about his "issues" and crap.
No joke, just last night, he asks me about this new guy. After I told him what was going on, which is literally just us hanging out and enjoying our time together for now, I ended up having to get off the computer. But, instead of saying, "okay I'll talk to you later." He says, "Okay, I'll try to be here." I figured he just meant he would try to be around. So I said, "Okay, well, if not we'll just talk another time." At this point he tells me, "you're not understanding me, I'll try to be here." I mean, come on, seriously? Whatever, I'm done talking about it now.

On another note, my 21st birthday was awesome. I didn't really get a chance to tell you guys about it. I got all dressed up and went to Quizzo at Applebee's with about 10 friends. We all had a pretty good time. I got insanely hammered. The drinks of the night included: (in order)
#1 - A mudslide - I ordered this drink and the waiter asked, in front of my friends who are trying to get me wasted, "Would you like to make that a Mucho for a dollar more?" Unanimously, my friends say, "Yes! Mucho!" So, I had that.
#2 - A red-headed slut. - My friends told me I had to order a shot, this is the one that was chosen.
#3 - A pickleback. - If you're like and any of my friends, you have never heard of a pickleback. This is a shot of Jack Daniel's followed immediately by a shot of pickle juice. If you like pickles, it's not bad. Kind of dangerous because, you don't really taste the Jack at all after the pickle juice.
#4 - A mind eraser. - This one was suggested by an acquaintance at Quizzo and then consumed. Not a great drink but, it will do what it's advertised to do.
#5 - Tequila. - 5 shots of it to be exact.
**At this point, I was intoxicated. And then we all went to a different bar. A bar that is now called, "Mad Macs." It used to be known as Matilda's. So, I get there, tell the bartender it's my 21st birthday and the drinks started flowing. Again**
#6 - A blowjob shot. - Which again, I had never heard of. This is a shot glass of Baileys served inside of a martini glass. So, it's a martini glass with a smaller glass of Baileys inside of it. Then covered in whipped cream. The idea of the drink is to put your hands behind your back and try to grab the shot glass out of the whipped cream using only your mouth.

At about this time, I don't really remember much else. I remember one of the DJs, Xixa, buying me a shot but I can't remember what it was. I ended up losing my ID. First night out, already lost the ID. Haha.

So yeah, that's been my week. Pretty much. I've decided not to divulge too many details about this new guy until something becomes more concrete with him.

Okay, all. I love you guys to no imaginable extent. And I will try to talk to you guys more following this blog. No promises though.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 18, 2011.

Hey guys! So, today is going to be a bit of a different blog. Not so much a rundown of my life more than kind of a response to a blog someone did about me. So, here goes.

First off, I know you have feelings for me. I have told you multiple times that the way I love you is that best friend sort of way.

Second, I know you bought me this amazing dress for my birthday. And the shoes. What I did not know was that it was just to get in my pants. I thought that you were doing it because it was my birthday and that you wanted to. And you sat right across me from me all night. He sat at the end of the table. I kissed him, yes. And yes, me and him had our falling out but, he is far from a "doucher." The fact of the matter is, if I want a physical relationship with someone, you are not the person who gets to decide whether or not I'm allowed. You're supposed to be my best friend but you have a whole lot of things to say about me when I'm not around you...

Third, I know you stuck around and cleaned up after my drunken self. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. Again, what I didn't know was that it was all some sort of plan to get in my pants...I didn't know it was going to be thrown in my face just because you didn't get what you wanted out of the evening.

Fourth, who are you to tell me that you're the greatest guy in my life? Don't I get a say in this? You lie to me, a lot. You talk shit about me behind my back. You use when you promised me you would try to quit. And you wrote this entire blog about me while under the influence...the fact of the matter is, I've had the drama of addiction in my life for way too long and I refuse to allow myself to be pulled back into that world. I could not date you even if I did have feelings for you in that capacity, just because of your addictions. However, I don't choose who I fall for and who I don't. Unfortunately, you are not the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've had this conversation so many times...I thought we were finally past this. I guess we can't move past it. Maybe that's what you want. Maybe you keep throwing this in my face as a passive-aggressive way of getting rid of me. If so, it's working beautifully.

Lastly. Yes. You are the BEST FRIEND. That's what I thought we had talked about numerous times. You are my best friend. Or, I thought you were. But now I'm finding out that not only are you saying that I used you but now you're blaming me for how I feel about other people and not you. You're saying that I'm a bad person because I didn't fall in love with you the way you fell in love with me. By the way, which douchebag boyfriend humped my cousin? What the hell are you even talking about? Oh and guess what?! Those duties go with being a best friend, dude. You become the shoulder to cry on when I get hurt. That's what best friends are. I've been a shoulder for you about a million times. I don't mind it. Finding out now what you've been saying behind my back though....that may change things a bit. I think you should do some soul searching and some maturing before you talk to me again... =/

Okay guys. Thanks so much for putting up with this little response to a rant. Pretty much, it's all self-explanatory. This is just my way of reciprocating the same level of disrespect that this guy has shown me. I'm a grown person. You can come to me with any problems you have with me, to my face, and I'll respect you for it. Go behind my back to my brother, or to the internet, you can kiss that respect goodbye.

OH YEAH! And as for the guy who was staring at my ass....THAT'S WHY I PICKED THE DRESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! I wanted to look hot. I wanted guys (especially that one) to look at me and yearn for me. That was the fucking plan. Oh well, live and learn I guess.


Okay guys! I love you guys so much and I know that this one was a bit on the negative side, but I'll be back soon with some sort of positivity. =] Love you. <3
Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 14, 2011.

Hey all! So, it's August 14th! Which means it's my good friend Justin and my grandfather's birthday. =] It's also 2 days until I turn 21! <3 Woot!

So, that anonymous guy? Yeah, it didn't work out. Apparently I'm not the kind of girl he wants to settle down with. Which sucked to hear but at the same time, I'm glad he said it now rather than wait months down the road.

New topic, though! I hung out with my best friend, Justin today. Not the Justin whose birthday it is, another one. We had such a good time! I mean, seriously, it was awesome. We went to different stores looking for my birthday present (a new dress), and then ended up visiting his grandmother for a bit. We ate us some Waffle House, which was hilarious. And we got to just laugh a lot and have some good conversations. I love being his best friend and I love that he's mine. Because, honestly, he's the closest thing I have to a gay best friend. lol

Um, let's see, let's see, let's see. Oh! Me and Oliver are friends again. We talked about everything that happened and decided it was stupid to go on hating each other. So, we're attempting a friendship. We'll see how that goes.

Lets see....my dog and cat are still very cute. And they're still best friends which is awesome.
I graduate from school in about 2 months, which is insane.
I might have a job lined up when I graduate so that's good.
So, everything's going really good right now. =]
It's exciting. <3


The best part of my days are the ones where I get to talk to you guys though. I love you guys and I miss you when I'm not talking to you.  =]
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 8, 2011.

Hey all! I'm sure you will have noticed by now that the background to my blog has changed. It's no longer a depressing scene. =] It's because I am no longer writing depressed blogs. <3

The past 24 hours has been remarkable. It's all because of the boy from the previous two blogs. I'm not saying he is the sole epicenter of my happiness. There are a couple of things that are helping that along the way. The biggest one is just being in touch with myself. Just knowing who I am and knowing what I want out of life. 

But, I really do like him. And I'm pretty sure he likes me too. =]

On a side note, 8 more days!! <3

Okay, not too much happening today to talk about. I'm pretty tired and my dog is sick. So, on that note, I shall write again soon. 

Oh, but remember, just because there's a new guy in life, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. I still love you more than you could imagine. More than its probably healthy for a girl to love an anonymous, faceless person. =]

Love,

Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 4, 2011.

Hey all! So, there's some stuff I get to actually write today! We'll do it in sections; school, family, relationships, friends.

School: So, I'm doing okay in school. I still love it. It still intrigues the crap out of me. But, I'm starting to think maybe I'm not good enough to do this kind of work. I mean, I graduate in 2 months and I don't think I'm anywhere near where I wanted to be at this point.I mean, I can give a mean back rub. But, nothing life changing. Which is what I want. I want my skills to be profound. I want to be awesome. I want people to want a massage from me because they know it's going to be amazing. I think I'm going to start getting way more serious about it, though. Really put my nose to the grind stone. I'll keep you guys updated on that.

Family: I need my own place. I'm going to kill my brother and my dad if I have to live with them for much longer. Seriously, it's constant arguing between them and I just can't take it. It's like living with my mom and dad all over again. And when they're not arguing, my dad is telling me how I need to be living my life. Like, really? Don't get me wrong, my dad is probably the best friend I have. He's known me since I was born, he's been there through every bad breakup and every crazy scenario I've had to go through. But, I don't need his life lessons anymore. See, I'm talking to this guy (more in the Relationships section) and the first thing my dad says when I'm talking to him about it is "take it slow." Like, come on now dad. I'm fucking excited for this. I'm happy as hell that this guy came into my life. Can you just pretend to be happy too? Seriously? I know, he's just looking out for what's best for me, he doesn't want me to get hurt again, but I'm happy. Just ... let me be happy. Plus, when have I ever in my life done what other people felt was the "ordinary" or what society deemed as the guidelines in anything. Especially relationships. I fly by the seat of my pants. I do whatever feels right in the situation I'm in. Ever relationship is different. Whether that's a friendship or a romantic relationship, or even a family member. They are all unique, so you have to treat them that way.  Anyway...got that off my chest.

Relationships: Okay, so I touched on this in the last section. I'm talking to this guy. He'll remain anonymous for the time being, seeing as how we're not officially dating or being exclusive or anything yet. I promise to tell you his name if/when that happens. =] He's really great, so far. We had a date Sunday and we were supposed to hang out for like 2 hours or something for lunch. We ended up hanging out for 12 hours. Yes, twelve. We went from lunch, to just walking Main Street, to perusing a "nerd store" as he put it, to getting frozen yogurt (which I had never had before this day), to going back to my house and hanging out, to going to his place and meeting his brand new nephew and playing some video games and such, to going out to dinner, to going BACK to his house and playing even more video games, and then back to my house. It was great. I didn't get tired of being around him, I just wanted to stay longer. Haha. He dropped me off at my house and it sucked at first but then just the thought of seeing him again at some point in the future just made me happy. =] It's making me smile right now.
My last blog was about this guy. Obviously, it was not a hypothetical situation. I have given up the other guys that were trying to court me by just saying that they weren't what I was looking for at the moment and that I'd rather say it now then drag it out and hurt them at a later date. They all understood.
I hope this keeps happening. =] <3

Friends: Not much change to report here, really. I have a close friend who is currently being fucked over by a gigantic cunt face. I won't get into the details here but it pisses me off. >=/ I'm still friends with that guy that started dating my cousin, kind of. He doesn't really talk to me as much anymore but I think it's more because he's a little busier than he used to be. I miss him and our antics but I'm glad he's happy. =]


That is all I have to report to you wonderful people.
"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."  


Jenny-Lynn. <3

August 1, 2011.

15 more days until I turn 21! <3

Hey guys. Whats been up? It's been a while since I've written and not much has really happened. Um, I have a hypothetical situation for you. Let's say you are talking to a couple of guys, just ya know, going out and hanging out and stuff, and then you meet someone. Like, someone that you can't believe you never knew existed but now that you do, they're all you can think about. Should you just go for it, even though all of the other guys were technically "first" and you told all of them that you didn't want a relationship? I mean, the thing is, let's say you really didn't want a relationship but then you met this guy. The one that you can't stop thinking about. And now you reallllyyyy want a relationship with him. What would you do in that situation?
A) Go for it and just get rid of the guys you were dating casually and hanging out with. Not think twice about it.
or
B) Don't go for it because of the other dudes...

Hypothetically, of course. =/

July 28, 2011.

Not much to talk about, again. I'm just sitting here watching my dog and cat play. It's quite adorable.
I have been thinking a lot about what quote I was going to use for you guys today, and I think I'm going to go with this one:

"If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or music, then in that respect you can call me that... I believe in what I do, and I'll say it." -John Lennon.


And here's why; I love this quote. It genuinely makes me laugh when I tell people that I believe in myself or that I don't doubt what it is I'm doing, I get deemed conceited. I'm not conceited at all. Actually, quite the contrary, I'm actually pretty self-conscious most of the time. But, if I'm doing something that I know I'm good at and I say it out loud, that doesn't make me narcissistic, or vain, or conceited, or any of those things. What John Lennon is saying is that he's going to believe in himself and in his own abilities and if he is called an "egomaniac" so be it.
Sometimes in life, you have to be your own cheerleader. And, I think that society has deemed that as unacceptable. Which is sad, because sometimes you need to cheer for yourself. I say do it. I say shout it out. I say give 'em hell. You're amazing and you should show it. =]
I love you guys, and I hope you enjoy these little rambling posts.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

July 25, 2011.

Today won't be much writing for you guys to endure. Just a quote for you guys, like I promised in the last blog. 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-- Mahatma Gandhi"


Its crazy to me that we think that we're being so strong when someone wrongs us and we hold onto that. We think, "Yeah, I'm still mad at you, this hurts doesn't it?" But, in reality, the stronger ones are the ones who can forgive and let go. They're the ones who can say, "Okay, you wronged me, but holding onto this is toxic." You cannot be weak to forgive someone. I love this quote because it rings true to me. Anger doesn't equal strength.

I love you guys.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

July 24, 2011.

Hello all! So, today is a day that I can write something I haven't been able to write in a long time. I'm at peace with myself. After months, years even, of being upset and angry and emotional, I am finally at a place where I can take a breath and be happy. =]
Nothing major has changed. Still in school, which I love, still unemployed, and still single. But, I'm on a job hunt and I'm okay with maybe not finding a job until I graduate. I'm just looking to see if maybe I can find something beforehand. Being single isn't terrible anymore. I get to hang out with whoever I want, whenever I want, and there's no hard feelings with anyone or fighting with someone I care about.
Everyone and their brothers know that I was having a hard time coping with some recent upsets in my life, and I'm glad to be out of that place.
People have asked me how I did it and how I could be so upset one day and the next, just be totally fine with my life. It's simple, actually. I started working on myself. Working out, trying to be the person I always wanted people to see me as, and it's working. I was able to say, "Okay, this happened and it hurts. But, what can I do about it?"
This may sound like something you don't have to say, but you can't change the past. A lot of people think that by dwelling on one particular event, somehow they can change how it happened or at least how they handled it. You can't. That event took place, you handled it the way you handled it, and now the only thing you can change is how you let it affect the rest of your life. Constantly living in that place of your mind will only make you relive that painful moment over and over again. Or you could leave that memory in the past where it belongs and move on. Which is what I did.
For the people who have read this and said that I was "pining" over a certain someone, you're obviously not reading the same blog I am writing. This is the only place in my life where I can be completely honest about how I'm feeling about everything that's happening in my life. The good and the bad. So, that's what I do. I write whatever comes to my mind and hope that at the end of the post, the string of letters before me on the computer screen makes some sort of sense. Lately, I've needed to vent a few things about that certain someone, but that's over now. I'm glad to have him as a friend in my life and that's all I could ask for. =]
A person who reads this blog asked me why I always say "I love you" at the end of my blogs, and if it was to anyone in particular. It is, actually. It's to you. It's to the one who sits through my incessant rambling and tries to make sense of it in your head. It's to the one who relates to what I write and nods their head in agreement as they pore over their computer screens. I say "I love you" to the people who actively try to decipher what I'm trying to say. And I say it because I mean it.
He also asked me, "If you had to choose one phrase or saying or quote to live by, what would it be?"
My answer to that is not so simple. The thing is, I don't want to live by something that someone else once said. I am pretty sure what he meant by that question was if there were any quotes that inspired me. And to that question, yes there are. I'll share some with you guys over the course of the next few blogs.
That's all for today.
I love you.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

" There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain." -Audrey Hepburn

July 17, 2011.

Hey all! So yes, I know, it's been way longer than it should have been since the last time I wrote to you. But, I've been thinking about you all! I promise.
What? You don't believe me? >_<
So, life is good as of right now. I've been hanging out with some really awesome people lately. I'm friends with everyone in my class again. And I just .. feel happy. I feel fulfilled.
Jon still pops into my mind every once in a while and I still think about how it was with him. But, I've come to terms with the fact that he's not ready for a relationship with me, and I don't deserve any less that someone who is not only willing and ready, but someone who yearns for me. Every once in a while, he'll like my status, or comment on a post or something, and I think about him. And every once in a while when I see his name, I get a little sad. But, then I remember that love lost is better than to never love. And I remember that he's happy. And that makes me happy. In short, he will always have a place in my heart but I will not allow that place to fill up my entire being. =]
As I said, I've been hanging out with some cool people lately. They've all helped me to realize that I am special and that I have a lot to offer this world. A couple of them stand out more to me than everyone else. I don't really know how to explain it. I know I don't want a serious relationship right now. But, there is a certain someone out there who is really making me second guess that decision...
I had one guy, who I barely knew, tell me that he was in love with me. Of course, I did a huge, "whoa! what?!" And we haven't really spoken much since. I didn't mean to hurt him, but he caught me off guard. Not something I was expecting. He keeps telling me that he's sorry he said it but he really feels it. And I keep telling him to stop saying it. First off, we knew each other a while ago. I've changed since then. Second, when we did know each other, it was only a work relationship. There was no personal relationship there. Third, I haven't talked to him in about a year and a half. Lastly, I've only been reconnected with him for about 2 weeks. It's weird. But, I dont know. I digress.
So, yeah, life is good right now. I just hope it stays this way. <3
And as always, know that I love you and I think about you constantly. Know that you are the reason I wake up in the morning, and you're what I think about at night. You're perfect, and I would never change you. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn.

June 30, 2011.

Hey guys.
It's been about a week since the last time I stopped by and checked in you. Hope everyone out there is doing good.
So, here's been what's going on in my world.
Me and Jon...sorry, Jon and I....are still not together. I was hoping we would fix things but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I got a cat. =] I'll post a picture of him and my dog. Reminder, my dog's name is Lacey. The kitten's name is Boba Catt. <3 I love him.
Picture of them:

I have this empty feeling sometimes in the pit of my stomach. This dread that I might never find someone that is going to stick around. I hate this feeling. I am constantly thinking...what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Why couldn't he stay with me? Who is it he's looking for? How could it have been different? Could I have done more? Less? Maybe I called him too much...or maybe I didn't call him enough. Maybe it was my chipped tooth that turned him off. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just not worth the love of another. Maybe, just maybe, this world would be better off without me...maybe.

But, the world would be terrible without you. I would miss you terrible. I love you. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 23, 2011.

Hey all. I guess let's start with an apology. I know I keep waiting forever to write to you guys and lately when I have written it was just, blah. I haven't been opening up to you guys as much as I would like to. So, here we go.
The past couple days have been harder for me than they should have been. I hate that this is having to be written but, if I want to be honest with myself, it does. Jon left me.
The one guy that has made me so happy and showed me what it felt like to be 100% at the top of my world. And, he's gone. No one did anything wrong. No cheating, no lying, no screaming fights. He just didn't want this anymore. At least not for now. My friends are trying to be helpful but of course, they're not. They're saying things like:
"No offense, but I think he left you for another girl. This is just too weird."
"Oh well, he's a douchebag."
"You were only dating like, a month. Let it go."
To combat these remarks, I'd like to say this. First off, he didn't leave me for another girl. He left me because he doesn't know what he wants. He can't figure out if this awesome thing that was happening between us is as awesome as he'd like it to be. And if he was leaving me for another girl, hearing you say it doesn't help me. Believe it or not, it hits a spot way down deep that just makes it all worse. Second, he is not a douchebag. He is the sweetest, most caring, most amazing, funniest, greatest guy. He deserves to be happy more than anyone I have ever known. And if I'm not what or who is doing that for him, then I want him to go find who or what will. And lastly, to quote one of my newest friends, the heart can't tell how long it's been. It just knows what it feels and how strongly it feels it. When I met Jon, alarms went off, the light bulb came on, and I realized that is what I had been missing out on with all the other losers and low-lifes and cheaters and liars. I had been missing the person that makes me want to wake up in the morning and just be a better person. He is the one I want to lay down next to at night and wake up next to the next morning. He keeps me going through out the day. Even the bad days. He's the reason I just shrug off the little annoyances and just focus on the good in life. The reason I am saying "is" instead of "was" is simply because he still is that person. If there was one thing I could say to him right now it would be this...
Jon, you are an amazing man. You have a great sense of humor, you're sweet, you're honest, and have an overall kick ass personality. Not to mention, look at you. You're hot. And with all that being said, I hope you find what it is that is going to make you happy. I hope you can fill that emptiness inside of you and reignite the passion for life. I wish I could have been the one to do that for you, and maybe one day I will be. I'm glad to say I know you and I always will be. I miss you so much and I am constantly hoping that whatever you're doing, wherever you're doing it, and whomever you're doing it with, that you're happy. And I hope that you think about me and the brief yet amazing time we spent together. I love you just as much now, if not more, than I did when I first met you.

And for the rest of you out there in the blog world, I love you too. You're always there for me when I need you and you never nag at me to do more for you.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3

June 20, 2011.

Holy shit. So, the weekend starts off with some doucher telling me he wants a massage then not being home for his appointment. At this point I'm almost on E in my car and was depending on the money from said massage to get gas to go to school that night. But, of course....
Then, Jon picks me up, and guess who gets the worst migraine of her natural born life? This girl.
Go home, wake up Friday morning, go to a job interview. In which they tell me that I'm a great candidate for the job, that they're going to push my application through but at the very end of the interview tell me that the position is for nights and weekends....-_-
Right on my application it said that I was not available nights because of school. Why would they even interview me?! Whatever. Friday night, I go to Jon's.
Saturday morning. Wake up, play some board games, hang out with Jon, go to his cousin's graduation party, go home, do nothing all night. Fight with and almost lost Jon. Made up. =]
Today! My favorite day of the weekend. Wake up at Jon's with Laceybug. (my dog.) <3 Whom we picked up last night because I missed her. Get dressed and all that mess, go to Jon's grandparent's house for a little fathers day celebration. Went out to eat with my dad  and brother. =] Then, we went swimming with Jon and his friends.
This brings us to the epitome of my evening. Finding out that one of my BEST friends is now dating someone. Who happens to be my cousin. The one who has hated me since forever ago. Not only that but he's so delusional that he thinks that she's going to be totally okay with our friendship. I mean, hello! we almost dated! There were feelings involved. And there's already a long history of distrust between me and my cousin. My cousin and I. Whatever. Me and my best friend were supposed to do a hilarious video together for his YouTube channel. However, that will no longer be happening because even though MY significant other finds it totally non-threatening, his will not. Simply put, I think I just lost another great friend. =/

But, at least I still have you. I love you for sticking through it all with me. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 13, 2011.

It's been a couple days since I've written, and I apologize for that. I was not home all weekend, went out with Jonathan. :)
It was a great weekend. Went out for dinner, sat around watched tv with him, woke up next to him, went to the Italian Festival. Good times.
Then, I did something dumb and watched this stupid ass show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." One of the girls on there was told that she had ovarian cysts and wouldn't be able to conceive. Ever. But, then of course, she did. It just had me thinking. That infection that I went through, the near death experience, I was told that I would probably never have children. That sucked to hear. Especially when I think back to when I actually was pregnant and lost it. It's like a kick to the stomach every time. And to re-think about it...it kills me. I let it kind of fester inside of me most of the day, not wanting it to ruin anyone else's mood. But then, I couldn't hold it back anymore. When Jon took me home, I just let it out. I cried and cried and told him that if he didn't want to be with me anymore that I totally understood. Because, I mean, that's what guys are looking for...the woman to settle down with and have their kids. And here I am, probably unable to do that for him. He just held me and told me that nothing was going to make him think twice about me and that we would get over it.
Now, I actually have to get over it. Unfortunately, even at 20 years old, I know that I want kids someday. How does someone who has always wanted to be a mom cope with being told that that might never happen. And that its nothing she can fix. Sure, there are surrogates, there's adoption...but, its not the same. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby. I want to hold it after so many hours of labor. I want to be a mom. I don't want to have to explain to my son/daughter one day that they aren't ACTUALLY mine. That some other woman carried them for 9 months. I would never want my child to have to go through that.
I wrote this tonight because its something thats been eating away at me for a couple of hours now. I can't seem to shake it tonight...
That's all for tonight. I love you and I want to thank you for being there for me when I really need someone. Just knowing that maybe one person might be reading this, it helps. Truly. So, again, I love you. And I'll be writing again soon.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 10, 2011.

Hey everyone! Today has been quite interesting. Let's start it out with me going to bed at 3:30 in the morning. Then being awakened at 9 a.m. because my dog decided that was the optimal time to urinate. Walked my dog, but of course my brother made it nearly impossible to fall back asleep with the TV being on at full blast and him using his ringtone player as his own personal stereo. Meaning, he was playing all of his ring tones on a loop, like a CD. It was a drag. However, getting up early helped me to get the ball rolling on a couple things that needed to get done today. Then, I did some stuff around the house, cleaning, that sort of boring thing.
Finally, school time. Went to school, learned some stuff, got to tell off a fellow student, fun times.
I got to see Jonathan tonight! Even though it was only for like forty five minutes, I was just happy to see him. We got to have a really long talk about his ex and the stupid drama going on and we finally compromised and we're better than ever.
When I finally got home, I made amends with a long-time ... enemy? See, he wasn't an enemy, just someone that I really didn't get along with for a lot of different reasons. Mostly because of the circumstances of our meeting. I got to put all that in the past and move forward with a clean slate. It feels really good to just let go of all that hate and negativity and to replace it with a positive light. =]
On another note, my dog is a genius. She's learned how to unplug my fan because she doesn't like the noise it makes. I thought maybe it was an accident or something but, no. I just watched her pull the plug out of the wall with her paw and mouth. It was insane.
That's all for tonight guys. =]
Always remember that I love and cherish you with all my heart. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn.

June 9, 2011.

Hey everyone! Tonight is a very frustrating night. Let's start out with this. I waited almost an hour for my ride home from school tonight. By myself by the way, because no one in my class has the courtesy to sit there for a bit and wait with me. I'm sorry. Two people asked me if I wanted them to sit with me while I waited. Two people. Out of about 15. That's kind of ridiculous. But, whatever. It just shows that some people are genuinely good people and others aren't. And it shows which is which.
Then, I get home and my brother is taken to the Emergency Room because he was coughing so much he literally couldn't take a breath without coughing up a lung. So, that's happening.
Then, I look on Facebook and see that Jon has posted a couple things. And that his ex has commented on or liked literally EVERYTHING he has posted. It's just very ... annoying.
My self-esteem isn't quite up to par tonight. I dont know why. Nothing in particular happening. Just hating everything I see again. I really hope this doesn't last too long. I hate these phases. One day, I look in the mirror and go "Wow, I look cute." Get all happy, all that stuff. And the next day, I look in the mirror and want to punch it. Tonight is the latter of the two.
I just wish I could hold Jon tonight. Have him tell me that everything is okay and that I'm gorgeous. All of the wonderful things he says to me on a regular basis.
Well, that's all there is to it tonight. Sorry for the short, not-so-happy blog guys. Remember that I love you and that I'm so glad you're in my life.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3

June 8, 2011.

Sort of a sporadic blog, this is. Sorry about the latest long hiatus from writing. Some things you might want to know. I was in a relationship for a bit there, with a fellow named Oliver. I thought he was hot. Other than he was completely dull. He had no life, no ambitions, hated everything and everyone, treated me like crap because it made him feel better. And worst of all, admitted to wanting a brainless, gullible, naive girl with the lowest of self-esteems who fawned over his every move no matter how much of a dick he was to her. Sadly, I can't honestly tell you that I left him after he admitted that. I laughed a bit and said, "and yet you're dating me." However, on a high note, the relationship was terminated. Of course now he's telling people that I'm crazy and fat. But, hey. Whatever help you sleep at night, Oliver. =]
After we broke up, I started getting really down on myself. You know the whole, "am I good enough?" "who could love me?" type deals. And I decided to check up on a dating website that I had made months prior. Crazy enough, after a week or so of checking messages, talking to a couple of people, I met this guy. His name is Jonathan. We went out on a spur of the moment "date" to Wal*Mart. Then to McDonalds for a frozen strawberry lemonade. At midnight, by the way. We talked for hours, fell asleep, and when I woke up...there he was. We started hanging out more and then, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
This man is gorgeous. He's got these great blue eyes that show his every emotion. He has a great body. He's funny, and charming. He treats me like a freaking goddess. His sole purpose is to make me happy. That's all this boy does. He's 24, works at a bank, graduated with a 2 year degree in some sort of computer studies, and he plans on going back to get his 4 year degree. He has everything. He's perfect.
I'm in love. For real this time.
He lifts me up whenever I feel like I'm plummeting.
I'm just ... very happy.
I'm still in school for Massage Therapy. Which I love. I'm starting a work-out regimen to get myself to where I want to be. I have a life now! I mean, just this past weekend I went out to dinner, saw a movie, went to a metal concert, and went to the mall. And this weekend I might be going to Six Flags! Which would be awesome. I sincerely just love my life. And I'm very excited to be able to share this with you guys. =]
And of course, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3

April 15, 2011.

Hey! I am so sorry its been so long that I've written you guys! I still love you! I just hadn't had a lot to talk about lately. Let's see, I left the dude who was making me feel like I was less than amazing. Because, guess what? I'm back, bitches. I'm having the time of my freaking life right now. I'm not quite over the depression, I still have gnawing thoughts in the back of my mind like, "You're still not good enough." "You gave up the one man who will ever love you." But honestly, he didnt love me. If he loved me he would have done everything and anything to make me realize that. Oh man, I dont know what else to say. I'm on my way out to  a friends party. I guess I'll talk to you guys later. =]

I love you!
Jenny-Lynn <3

April 10, 2011

I'm tired of people telling me what to think, how to think it, when to think it. It's irritating. Well, guess what? All of the people who wanted me to believe I wasn't good enough, you're going to have a hard time saving face when all of you are watching me climb to the top. Kiss it hard fuckheads.


I love you guys!
Jenny-Lynn


(Sorry it was short, not much to talk about, thought I'd get this off my chest.)

April 7, 2011.

So I've decided that today is going to be happy. Well, I have decided that I will listen to a special someone and make one that isn't so depressing and "makes me want to kill myself." I have accepted that my emotions have taken over my life. That I no longer control them, they have started to control me and that my life has become unmanageable because of them. I feel like I've made a step towards bettering myself and my life.
Let's talk about today and a little about last night. I'm only going to talk a bit about last night. Those of you who read the post last night know that I was in a ... not so fantastic place. But when am I ever, right?On a serious note though, last night was really bad. I lost someone really important to me and I thought I would never see them again and that I had ruined everything with them because of my depression. They told me that I needed to get my self and my life together before they would even speak to me again. He was right though. I do need to get myself and my life together. And he had every right to walk away from me. He never should have had to deal with the emotional stress that came along with my problems. Now, on to the happiness!
Last night, I was really low and when he realized how low he decided that it was more important to help me than to worry about how he was being affected. That made me realize that maybe people actually do care about me and maybe I'm not so terrible of a person. So he came and picked me up. We went to Wal*Mart, sat in the parking lot, had a really great talk, went to Wawa, got some food, went back to my place, he spent the night (literally nothing happened, we just slept), spent all day together, then I went to school. I learned a whole bunch of new massage techniques, and got to work on a new body. It was amazing. Today has been a fantastic day. And I've decided to help myself  and to stop waiting for someone or something to come along and give me validation. I know a lot people out there reading this, if there are even a lot of people reading this, are thinking "so in about a week this girl has overcome a serious case of depression? bullshit." I'm nowhere near overcoming this. I am just helping myself to get over it. I'm taking the first step out of this. The first step out of twelve actually.
Step #1. Admit that one is powerless over his/her emotions - that their life has become unmanageable.
Done. Check. Fin. Only 11 more to go.
I wish I knew who you were. Maybe leave me some comments or something?
As always,
I love you.
Jenny-Lynn. <3

April 6, 2011.

I'm pretty sure this thing will say its only the 5th, but as of 13 minutes ago, thats not true. Still struggling with the fact that I can't be everything everyone wants. Tonight, driving home, I got into a big fight with someone really important to me and lost them forever. I just want to jump off of a building right now. I am really hoping that this writing thing helps me get over it. Maybe find some sort of closure through the words on my screen? I'm starting to think it may be too late for me. It may be too late for me to move on through this depression. Maybe Ive been dwelling in this state of self-loathing for so long that I'm stuck there. Sometimes you use someone as a crutch. An emotional crutch .You lean on them, and you depend on them to help you get to the next point in your life. Sometimes without that crutch you can't heal properly. Sometimes you just use them out of fear of facing the real world without them. I cant pretend I dont care when I'm forgotten, when I'm cast aside like a leper, when I realize that I'm nothing special to anyone. I could jump off of a bridge and at the end of the day the only people who would remember me a week from now are my family, and maybe the people at school. And I only say them because my name would stay on the attendance roster for the next couple weeks. I keep searching for something to live for. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be different. That when I wake up I wont hate myself. Maybe I should see a shrink. Get some drugs. Something. I can't take this constant emptiness. Maybe one day I'll be able to write this blog about how happy I am. Don't hold your breath though, guys.
I have a question for you. Have you ever cried so hard that you forget how to breathe, that you cant feel anything anymore except the warmth of the tears, that you think the emptiness will go away but it just gets bigger because the tears were the only thing filling it? If you have then you might understand where I am. I don't expect sympathy anymore. To feel sympathetic for someone you have to care about them and their situation. I have stopped deluding myself into believing that people care about me. Another day, another casualty of life, another obituary to print, another sad young girl who gives up. Just another one of the bunch.
I dont know what else to say tonight. Sorry for the depressing tone. And once again, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3