June 30, 2011.

Hey guys.
It's been about a week since the last time I stopped by and checked in you. Hope everyone out there is doing good.
So, here's been what's going on in my world.
Me and Jon...sorry, Jon and I....are still not together. I was hoping we would fix things but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I got a cat. =] I'll post a picture of him and my dog. Reminder, my dog's name is Lacey. The kitten's name is Boba Catt. <3 I love him.
Picture of them:

I have this empty feeling sometimes in the pit of my stomach. This dread that I might never find someone that is going to stick around. I hate this feeling. I am constantly thinking...what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Why couldn't he stay with me? Who is it he's looking for? How could it have been different? Could I have done more? Less? Maybe I called him too much...or maybe I didn't call him enough. Maybe it was my chipped tooth that turned him off. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just not worth the love of another. Maybe, just maybe, this world would be better off without me...maybe.

But, the world would be terrible without you. I would miss you terrible. I love you. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 23, 2011.

Hey all. I guess let's start with an apology. I know I keep waiting forever to write to you guys and lately when I have written it was just, blah. I haven't been opening up to you guys as much as I would like to. So, here we go.
The past couple days have been harder for me than they should have been. I hate that this is having to be written but, if I want to be honest with myself, it does. Jon left me.
The one guy that has made me so happy and showed me what it felt like to be 100% at the top of my world. And, he's gone. No one did anything wrong. No cheating, no lying, no screaming fights. He just didn't want this anymore. At least not for now. My friends are trying to be helpful but of course, they're not. They're saying things like:
"No offense, but I think he left you for another girl. This is just too weird."
"Oh well, he's a douchebag."
"You were only dating like, a month. Let it go."
To combat these remarks, I'd like to say this. First off, he didn't leave me for another girl. He left me because he doesn't know what he wants. He can't figure out if this awesome thing that was happening between us is as awesome as he'd like it to be. And if he was leaving me for another girl, hearing you say it doesn't help me. Believe it or not, it hits a spot way down deep that just makes it all worse. Second, he is not a douchebag. He is the sweetest, most caring, most amazing, funniest, greatest guy. He deserves to be happy more than anyone I have ever known. And if I'm not what or who is doing that for him, then I want him to go find who or what will. And lastly, to quote one of my newest friends, the heart can't tell how long it's been. It just knows what it feels and how strongly it feels it. When I met Jon, alarms went off, the light bulb came on, and I realized that is what I had been missing out on with all the other losers and low-lifes and cheaters and liars. I had been missing the person that makes me want to wake up in the morning and just be a better person. He is the one I want to lay down next to at night and wake up next to the next morning. He keeps me going through out the day. Even the bad days. He's the reason I just shrug off the little annoyances and just focus on the good in life. The reason I am saying "is" instead of "was" is simply because he still is that person. If there was one thing I could say to him right now it would be this...
Jon, you are an amazing man. You have a great sense of humor, you're sweet, you're honest, and have an overall kick ass personality. Not to mention, look at you. You're hot. And with all that being said, I hope you find what it is that is going to make you happy. I hope you can fill that emptiness inside of you and reignite the passion for life. I wish I could have been the one to do that for you, and maybe one day I will be. I'm glad to say I know you and I always will be. I miss you so much and I am constantly hoping that whatever you're doing, wherever you're doing it, and whomever you're doing it with, that you're happy. And I hope that you think about me and the brief yet amazing time we spent together. I love you just as much now, if not more, than I did when I first met you.

And for the rest of you out there in the blog world, I love you too. You're always there for me when I need you and you never nag at me to do more for you.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3

June 20, 2011.

Holy shit. So, the weekend starts off with some doucher telling me he wants a massage then not being home for his appointment. At this point I'm almost on E in my car and was depending on the money from said massage to get gas to go to school that night. But, of course....
Then, Jon picks me up, and guess who gets the worst migraine of her natural born life? This girl.
Go home, wake up Friday morning, go to a job interview. In which they tell me that I'm a great candidate for the job, that they're going to push my application through but at the very end of the interview tell me that the position is for nights and weekends....-_-
Right on my application it said that I was not available nights because of school. Why would they even interview me?! Whatever. Friday night, I go to Jon's.
Saturday morning. Wake up, play some board games, hang out with Jon, go to his cousin's graduation party, go home, do nothing all night. Fight with and almost lost Jon. Made up. =]
Today! My favorite day of the weekend. Wake up at Jon's with Laceybug. (my dog.) <3 Whom we picked up last night because I missed her. Get dressed and all that mess, go to Jon's grandparent's house for a little fathers day celebration. Went out to eat with my dad  and brother. =] Then, we went swimming with Jon and his friends.
This brings us to the epitome of my evening. Finding out that one of my BEST friends is now dating someone. Who happens to be my cousin. The one who has hated me since forever ago. Not only that but he's so delusional that he thinks that she's going to be totally okay with our friendship. I mean, hello! we almost dated! There were feelings involved. And there's already a long history of distrust between me and my cousin. My cousin and I. Whatever. Me and my best friend were supposed to do a hilarious video together for his YouTube channel. However, that will no longer be happening because even though MY significant other finds it totally non-threatening, his will not. Simply put, I think I just lost another great friend. =/

But, at least I still have you. I love you for sticking through it all with me. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 13, 2011.

It's been a couple days since I've written, and I apologize for that. I was not home all weekend, went out with Jonathan. :)
It was a great weekend. Went out for dinner, sat around watched tv with him, woke up next to him, went to the Italian Festival. Good times.
Then, I did something dumb and watched this stupid ass show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." One of the girls on there was told that she had ovarian cysts and wouldn't be able to conceive. Ever. But, then of course, she did. It just had me thinking. That infection that I went through, the near death experience, I was told that I would probably never have children. That sucked to hear. Especially when I think back to when I actually was pregnant and lost it. It's like a kick to the stomach every time. And to re-think about it...it kills me. I let it kind of fester inside of me most of the day, not wanting it to ruin anyone else's mood. But then, I couldn't hold it back anymore. When Jon took me home, I just let it out. I cried and cried and told him that if he didn't want to be with me anymore that I totally understood. Because, I mean, that's what guys are looking for...the woman to settle down with and have their kids. And here I am, probably unable to do that for him. He just held me and told me that nothing was going to make him think twice about me and that we would get over it.
Now, I actually have to get over it. Unfortunately, even at 20 years old, I know that I want kids someday. How does someone who has always wanted to be a mom cope with being told that that might never happen. And that its nothing she can fix. Sure, there are surrogates, there's adoption...but, its not the same. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby. I want to hold it after so many hours of labor. I want to be a mom. I don't want to have to explain to my son/daughter one day that they aren't ACTUALLY mine. That some other woman carried them for 9 months. I would never want my child to have to go through that.
I wrote this tonight because its something thats been eating away at me for a couple of hours now. I can't seem to shake it tonight...
That's all for tonight. I love you and I want to thank you for being there for me when I really need someone. Just knowing that maybe one person might be reading this, it helps. Truly. So, again, I love you. And I'll be writing again soon.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn. <3

June 10, 2011.

Hey everyone! Today has been quite interesting. Let's start it out with me going to bed at 3:30 in the morning. Then being awakened at 9 a.m. because my dog decided that was the optimal time to urinate. Walked my dog, but of course my brother made it nearly impossible to fall back asleep with the TV being on at full blast and him using his ringtone player as his own personal stereo. Meaning, he was playing all of his ring tones on a loop, like a CD. It was a drag. However, getting up early helped me to get the ball rolling on a couple things that needed to get done today. Then, I did some stuff around the house, cleaning, that sort of boring thing.
Finally, school time. Went to school, learned some stuff, got to tell off a fellow student, fun times.
I got to see Jonathan tonight! Even though it was only for like forty five minutes, I was just happy to see him. We got to have a really long talk about his ex and the stupid drama going on and we finally compromised and we're better than ever.
When I finally got home, I made amends with a long-time ... enemy? See, he wasn't an enemy, just someone that I really didn't get along with for a lot of different reasons. Mostly because of the circumstances of our meeting. I got to put all that in the past and move forward with a clean slate. It feels really good to just let go of all that hate and negativity and to replace it with a positive light. =]
On another note, my dog is a genius. She's learned how to unplug my fan because she doesn't like the noise it makes. I thought maybe it was an accident or something but, no. I just watched her pull the plug out of the wall with her paw and mouth. It was insane.
That's all for tonight guys. =]
Always remember that I love and cherish you with all my heart. <3
Love,
Jenny-Lynn.

June 9, 2011.

Hey everyone! Tonight is a very frustrating night. Let's start out with this. I waited almost an hour for my ride home from school tonight. By myself by the way, because no one in my class has the courtesy to sit there for a bit and wait with me. I'm sorry. Two people asked me if I wanted them to sit with me while I waited. Two people. Out of about 15. That's kind of ridiculous. But, whatever. It just shows that some people are genuinely good people and others aren't. And it shows which is which.
Then, I get home and my brother is taken to the Emergency Room because he was coughing so much he literally couldn't take a breath without coughing up a lung. So, that's happening.
Then, I look on Facebook and see that Jon has posted a couple things. And that his ex has commented on or liked literally EVERYTHING he has posted. It's just very ... annoying.
My self-esteem isn't quite up to par tonight. I dont know why. Nothing in particular happening. Just hating everything I see again. I really hope this doesn't last too long. I hate these phases. One day, I look in the mirror and go "Wow, I look cute." Get all happy, all that stuff. And the next day, I look in the mirror and want to punch it. Tonight is the latter of the two.
I just wish I could hold Jon tonight. Have him tell me that everything is okay and that I'm gorgeous. All of the wonderful things he says to me on a regular basis.
Well, that's all there is to it tonight. Sorry for the short, not-so-happy blog guys. Remember that I love you and that I'm so glad you're in my life.
Love,
Jenny-Lynn <3

June 8, 2011.

Sort of a sporadic blog, this is. Sorry about the latest long hiatus from writing. Some things you might want to know. I was in a relationship for a bit there, with a fellow named Oliver. I thought he was hot. Other than he was completely dull. He had no life, no ambitions, hated everything and everyone, treated me like crap because it made him feel better. And worst of all, admitted to wanting a brainless, gullible, naive girl with the lowest of self-esteems who fawned over his every move no matter how much of a dick he was to her. Sadly, I can't honestly tell you that I left him after he admitted that. I laughed a bit and said, "and yet you're dating me." However, on a high note, the relationship was terminated. Of course now he's telling people that I'm crazy and fat. But, hey. Whatever help you sleep at night, Oliver. =]
After we broke up, I started getting really down on myself. You know the whole, "am I good enough?" "who could love me?" type deals. And I decided to check up on a dating website that I had made months prior. Crazy enough, after a week or so of checking messages, talking to a couple of people, I met this guy. His name is Jonathan. We went out on a spur of the moment "date" to Wal*Mart. Then to McDonalds for a frozen strawberry lemonade. At midnight, by the way. We talked for hours, fell asleep, and when I woke up...there he was. We started hanging out more and then, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
This man is gorgeous. He's got these great blue eyes that show his every emotion. He has a great body. He's funny, and charming. He treats me like a freaking goddess. His sole purpose is to make me happy. That's all this boy does. He's 24, works at a bank, graduated with a 2 year degree in some sort of computer studies, and he plans on going back to get his 4 year degree. He has everything. He's perfect.
I'm in love. For real this time.
He lifts me up whenever I feel like I'm plummeting.
I'm just ... very happy.
I'm still in school for Massage Therapy. Which I love. I'm starting a work-out regimen to get myself to where I want to be. I have a life now! I mean, just this past weekend I went out to dinner, saw a movie, went to a metal concert, and went to the mall. And this weekend I might be going to Six Flags! Which would be awesome. I sincerely just love my life. And I'm very excited to be able to share this with you guys. =]
And of course, I love you.
Jenny-Lynn <3